A part of me feels like I should be happy at the moment. It'll be my birthday soon. However, that's the thing, it only serves as a reminder that it's expected that I'll want to be with friends on that day. But in reality, I'm drifting away from my friends again. I swear friendships seem so fleeting right now. There's so much upkeep, which is frustrating when the other person doesn't want to try. Nope, they've got new friends now. I guess I'm no longer wanted, I don't fit in to their schedule anymore. Perhaps I could join something new, make some new friends. But I worry that I'll just be dropped when they get bored. Whatever, I've got my own company. And my family. How do people with lots of friends even do it? That must be exhausting. At least they don't have to worry about it dropping down to no friends sometimes when people replace you. I shouldn't even be bothering about this right now.
All of this sounds a lot like you're dealing with depression of some sort. Have you ever spoken with a therapist?
Well, it's not the first time that's been suggested to me... https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/what-is-this-emotion.467716/ There are threads that could suggest such if I go back even further... https://forum.emptyclosets.com/inde...th-is-decreasing-my-enjoyment-of-life.446585/ I have noticed that I do seem to go through a pattern of posting behaviour. Although, I assumed that I was over this. Perhaps not.
Drifting out of friendships/feeling as though they're not worth it, dismissing your own feelings, constantly feeling drained, wanting to "escape reality", being convinced by your brain that you're not a good person, having a lack of motivation, are all indicative of serious mental health problems. You don't just "get over this." You can't keep going this way and expecting life to just feel better if you wait it out enough. People have clearly been trying to encourage you to get help for a while now, both on this forum and in your own life. Have you sought any real --not on the internet, I'm talking actual therapy or counselling--mental health help out at all?
I actually really relate to what you are saying in this thread Canterpiece. Like when me and my family go out for a celebration, I can remember a few times going out to a nice dinner. It should have been a super happy time but I felt empty inside for some reason. I think I might need some better relationships and friendships in my life. I’m not a big people person and for friendships and relationships I prefer quality over quantity. I don’t want to have to be the type that always has to entertain just to get people to like me or want to be with me but I also don’t want to be the one who is the only one that reaches out and makes an effort. So I know what you’re feeling.
Not really, no. I had a school counsellor when I was younger, but for different reasons. Although, they turned out to be somewhat emotionally abusive so I don't think I would consider that to be real counselling. Then the one I had after her was just condescending. Anyway, I have also tried online therapy but the particular one I used offered services that were more like cheerleading than actual therapy. So no, I haven't. I have considered it before though. Maybe I'll talk to the therapist in my University campus when I start my second year.
You absolutely should and I encourage that. While getting the type of help you've gotten can be helpful for some, I'd doubt it could do much of anything about serious mental illness. If you find that it's hard to connect with a therapist you get, keep looking! There's one out there for everyone. Depression isn't a choice but getting better is.
Thank you for your posts, @virginia. I feel hopeful about this. Planning out what topics I want to discuss, questions I have, and what I want to achieve from the therapy seems like a good place for me to start. Otherwise I don't think I would ever truly get to the point, personally. Also, it's my birthday. I am now twenty.
You're welcome, and happy birthday! What a great time to start trying to turn things around (Also that's a good idea. When I first started being honest in therapy I literally brought in a sheet of paper on which I'd organized everything I had to say lol.)
These last several days have been...emotional. I think the hardest part has been dealing with relatives trying to make me feel happy. Since I want to be, for them. I wish I could just put everything aside, so they don't feel as if they've failed. The things they've done for me, they're great. I'm thankful. However, even though everything is fine, technically, when you go beyond the surface level it's a bit more rocky. I want to gain a more balanced perspective on life. To add a little more optimism to my pessimistic viewpoint. Lately the intrusive thoughts I've been having seem to be cropping up way more than usual. I keep thinking "Why does anyone like me?" and "Why haven't they left me yet?" Alongside "What if I never make anything of my life?" These thoughts make nights difficult. Or make minor inconveniences seem like the end of the world. I end up randomly sobbing over something that isn't that big of deal, much to the confusion of others. My emotions have been intense, lately. Certain memories forever lingering, so vivid yet particular details are missing. I know that it isn't going to be easy. To unlearn things, to feel hopeful and motivated once more. My biggest worry is "What if I'm forever stuck at this stage in my life?" and that's a daunting thought for me. Perhaps irrational, yet scary all the same. I've spent a good portion of my life so far with these issues, it's strange to think about how I might change after working through them. As if I'm a stranger to myself. I suppose in a way, I am.
