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How do people find signs when looking back?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Zerak, May 28, 2019.

  1. Zerak

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    I've been meaning to ask but when people come out/accept themselves and look back to see if their where signs do they generally consider things that had almost never been brought up before or is it more like looking at some old memories in a new light?

    And along those lines when someone doesn't look back and see 'signs' is it because the signs weren't there or were they forgotten?

    Finally I've been meaning to ask but as someone whose never been in love but when someone breaks through denial does the same sex attraction feel more intense or real than the forced one from before?
     
  2. Unsure77

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    For me, it was sort of like the move “The Sixth Sense” or “Shutter Island”. I went back and thought about certain memories through a new lens. Some it was things I didn’t fully understand as it was happening. Some of it, I didn’t want to accept as it was happening. But most of it was things that didn’t make sense at the time that make perfect sense now.
     
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  3. Leah061

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    To answer your first question, I think it's usually some of both. I definitely compromised my interpretations of some of my feelings when I was growing up, and when I realized that I might be gay, those were the first memories my mind went to analyze, and I fully understood them at last. I remember realizing when I was 14 that I had a crush on my English teacher, and it was the first time I acknowledged having those feelings for a woman. All I could do at the time was label those feelings as a "girl crush," as opposed to a real crush and ignore it. There were also a lot of things I felt that I didn't think twice about at the time, that I now realize were gay as well. Like the summer before ninth grade when I was OBSESSED with this older girl I knew, and I just assumed it was because I really wanted to be like her, or just be her friend.

    I think in the majority of cases, people who are same sex attracted eventually realize that there were signs all along, it's just that heteronormativity has a way of keeping us blind to what we're really feeling. It's kind of like when you watch through a tv series from the beginning, and then there's a huge plot twist at the end of the season, and you go back and rewatch it, and you realize it was right in front of you all along, and finally appreciate the depth of the plot elements.

    To answer your last question, I will say that I didn't really let myself entertain the possibility that I could be gay until I met this openly gay girl in college. I had known for years that I was attracted to women before her, and I had had crushes on women before her, but I never thought it would matter. I assumed I would inevitably end up with a man and that everyone must have feelings for girls sometimes. But having a crush on a girl, who I knew was gay, felt different because I knew that, hypothetically at least, we could actually be together. It felt like I was allowed to have a crush on her, and I didn't feel like a predatory lesbian crushing on an innocent straight girl with her. Those were the most freeing, genuine, and pure feelings I had ever known, and I knew I had never felt that way about a boy. I mean, I still don't know if I'm actually just a lesbian, or if I could try to be with a man, since I never *hated* being with them, but I'll always be glad I met her, and that she unknowingly helped me finally see what was right in front of me all along.
     
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  4. Rin311

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    In my case, it was when I stopped denying my feeling that I could look back and see that it was there all along. There were all kinds of signs, I just didn’t want to properly interpret/remember them because I didn’t want to face the reality of being gay.
    As for attractions - yes, my attraction to men is way more intense and real than the weak, mostly intellectual attraction I forced myself to try and feel towards women way back then.
     
  5. ladykiki

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    I definitely feel that when I look back there are many signs, but it never crossed my mind that I was a lesbian, because I wasn’t really aware that same sex attraction was an option for me, I was vaguely aware that guys could be same-sex attracted, but it didn’t seem to be a good thing. (It was the 80s/90s, so it was mostly hidden or not something to be discussed). I honestly thought for a long time I just wasn’t capable of building a close relationship with anyone because I couldn’t seem to be as interested in guys as my friends were.

    I had a massive crush on my best friend, but it didn’t occur to me at the time it was a crush. When we were wary teens she said her mum told her we couldn’t hang out and we slowly lost touch, and I don’t know if her mum sensed it and freaked out a bit (they were religious and I think her mum was against it).

    Then when I was 14 I had to go into hospital for an overnight, and there was just me and another girl in the ward. I remember talking to her I definitely had a crush. Then there was another girl in my year... all of my crushes were female. When my friends were gushing about boybands and actors I was think about actresses.

    Anyway, I used to watch the Ellen show with my parents, and in the episode where she came out, something clicked in my head. That was the first time I’d heard a woman say she was interested in other women and it dawned on me that so was I. I ignored it, and kept ignoring it, until I was in my mid 20s when something happened and I accept myself, then had a good cry because I was scared, and was closeted until 2 years ago when I came out at the grand old age of 36.

    It’s such a weird thing to explain to those who haven’t gone through it. I found it hard at first to let myself be allowed to be truly interest in another woman, and to properly acknowledge it instead of it being pushed away. Since I came out I feel so much more relaxed in general, it felt like the elephant in the room for a long long time, even though I was the only one who was thinking about it.

    But yeah, there were so many signs that I was gay way back in the day that I honestly kick myself for being so dense...!