On the brink...

While I've told my husband of 18 years that I'm attracted to women, we've been living in this limbo of "what now?" for some time. He's been more affectionate and loving than I can ever remember (which is a bit frustrating actually), but I know we can't continue on like this. I have been and continue to mourn what I thought our lives together and our future would be, but I know this can't be how I continue to operate.

I went to a women's coming out support group for the first time this week, and it was wonderful to see a few people on the other side of similar situations. It helps me see that there is another side. I know I'm not the person I could be while feeling so trapped from being who I really am. I'm not the mom I want to be, I'm not the partner I want to be. My husband and I both deserve to have fulfilling relationships with another in every way. He is my best friend and partner, but I will never be the lover he wants. I never have been. And I can't keep having a sexual relationship with him for his benefit only.

I have to make the next step and tell him I'm gay. I am. I'm gay. I need to accept that for myself, and I need to say those actual words to my husband. That is the only way we move beyond this limbo. But I'm so scared. I'm scared of losing all that I have for a big unknown. But I'm withering from living this charade. How do I take this next step??

 

Thanks @Mirko - thank you for your response. I do have a couple of new supports locally, which I’m sure will help. I do think something for me and my husband together could be really good, too.

 

Thank for your encouragement @SevnButton

I did talk with my husband Friday night. I told him I’m gay and could never be what he wants me to be. That we both deserve to have full relationships with people. I also admitted having strong feelings for a female friend of mine. He is hurting, of course. But he was as good as I can imagine a person being with all of it.

I’m just feeling really exhausted. Drained. It is a relief to have said it. But I’m so scared for everything that is to follow. I know he will go through periods of being angry. And we’re just letting all this settle for now - not making any major decisions on how to move forward. Which I think is good, but living all the fears in my head is going to make it difficult to move out of this depressed state that looms over us right now.

How can I be so relieved and excited while so devastated at the same time? My heart is breaking just as it is finally feeling full.

 

Yes, I think our next step is defining the boundaries of our relationship at this point. It’s really hard for me not to want to comfort him and act like everything is as it was when we aren’t actively discussing change.

 

Ha! Yes, it seems once we allow ourselves to be open to who we are, we see the world more vibrantly. It’s hard to see the other side from here, and I will struggle with wanted to “take it all back” for a while, I think. But in my heart, I know that happiness doesn’t lie in the life I had been living.

 

Hi @Luria77
I think if my husband had his way, he would still make it work with me, too. But I see that ending in a lot of resentment on both sides. I’m so scared of splitting my family (I have 2 little ones) but I’m not the mom I want to be as I hide from who I am. It’s inspiring to hear stories like yours where you took that step of leaving. Even with as horribly hard as this has been so far, that step feels insurmountable.

 

Your post really made me smile. I think you’re right. I had a productive talk with my husband last night and it feels we’re in a positive place with this. While there’s a lot of tough times ahead (as you continue to experience in various phrases it sounds like), maybe the worst of it is over.

I see a lot of hard times ahead, but for the first time, I don’t see myself settling back into my marriage as a default because I’m too scared to do otherwise. I finally feel hope that I will see the other side of this and that the other side is filled with not just heartache, but with joy.

 

So, here’s an update. My husband and I have had some ongoing conversations this week since telling him with no room for question that I’m gay and that I want to date a woman. We’re starting with the step of opening our marriage. We discussed clear boundaries and expectations for this and while it’s really quite weird, it all feels right at this point. We both feel good that we have a direction for where we’re going instead of being stuck in a pit of limbo.

I don’t think this is our forever solution. I think we will divorce. But I feel really good. We are going through this together, communicating and being loving as we each struggle to grapple with this change. I feel lighter and more full of hope than I have in many months if not years! It’s hard for me to envision breaking up the family eventually and leaving life as I know it behind, but I finally see that we can do this in a healthy way, especially for our kids.

It’s truly incredible what a difference a week can make. I thank everyone on the forum. This has seriously given me so much strength to push through the doubts and fears. And while I have more of those coming, I can’t imagine anything more scary than what I’ve already done.

 

This is an interesting statement. If you have doubts, then how can he even say that it’s perfect? Unknown is so scary, but that doesn’t mean staying where we are is the right choice. I feel for you in that position. I feel like that’s the world I’m entering into now at this stage of the process. This may be right for the time, but it’s not right for my forever. Do you have a vision for a post-divorce life?