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Am I trans or am I forcing myself to feel this way plz help

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by James S, May 29, 2019.

  1. James S

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    council bluffs, iowa
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi. I came here because I needed help and I can't trust my homophobic and transphobic family and I feel like I'm bothering my two (dang that's kinda disappointing) friends. Just so you know I'm 15 and think I may be trans.
    Since about a year or three ago, I have given up skirts, dresses, the color pink, my dignity. I gave them up for the sole reason that they disgusted me. Keep in mind that all of this was built up slowly in intensity till now. I have always been a bit less girly looking than others with the thicc manly eyebrows and my natural female lower voice. But my personality has been on the female side for a big fat ass chunk of my childhood. I liked to play with dolls/ pony toys, I wore skirts and dresses, and I didn't really show many signs of being trans. Until the puberty nation attacked.
    After turning I think 13, my personality shifted a bit (a bit he says). I wore tomboy clothing and refused to do basic hygiene because I thought that was too girly ( cuz apparently I thought being a pig ment being more manly). I refused to wear dresses or skirts anymore and I cringed at girly girls. But I was ok and, might I say comfortable with being a female. So I was at this time just a tomboy.
    But starting highschool things shifted again.
    I realized this year, before this confusion officially started, that I was trying to imitate how the dudes in my school were walking. I ended up looking retarded. But then my mom started getting frustrated that I wasn't letting her comb my hair or wearing the dresses and skirts like I used to. She confronted me and started shoving that girly shit my way and I swerved of course. Her pushing has to lead me to get conflicting feelings. Back then I used to actually (no joke) dream about suddenly waking up as a dude. In those dreams, I seem so happy. I am now at a state that I feel nauseous of just the thought of not being a dude sometimes. At home, I seem like I'm fine with who I am now but even alone now I feel like I was meant and should be a male. Once any human being is with me, I immediately feel like I should be a male not female. I now hate when people call me she, her, chic, anything like that. I feel happy when my brother calls me 'brother' ironically. I have all my accounts has me as a dude. But somedays I feel fine. Idk if I'm being possessed by Michael Jackson himself cuz I don't know if I'm a dude or a dudette. plz help.
     
  2. Flynn S

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2017
    Messages:
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    84
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey James!
    I actually relate to a lot of what you said. When I was a kid, I played with dolls, wore skirts/dresses. These things didn't define me, and they shouldn't define you either, especially because they don't really mean anything. I think a lot of trans folk don't like to admit this, but sometimes there aren't any signs of being trans in their childhood, and sometimes there are but they go unnoticed. Just because you can't point to a specific instance that you 'knew you were a boy since you could speak' doesn't automatically make you a girl.

    I'm not really on board the idea that you can "force" yourself to be trans. Generally if you are worried that you are "faking" it, you probably aren't. Besides that, only you can determine if you are trans or not. But I think you answer your own question already:

    Have you tried experimenting with different pronouns around your friends? Don't be afraid to "bother" them - as long as you feel safe - helping you figure yourself out shouldn't be something your friends would be bothered by.

    I'd describe this as an example of gender euphoria. Is this the same type of happiness you feel when you are male in your dreams?

    A lot of what you have described does read to me like gender dysphoria. Those feelings often fluctuate - some days are good, some days bad. You might be really frustration with your body/pronouns/perception one day and wake up feeling fine the next. I think the important this is to (a) see if these feelings last (not necessarily constant), and (b) if they bother you, which they seem to be doing. I am, of course, just some random guy, so I can't really help you more than give you advice or share my experience. If possible, I would recommend that you speak to a therapist. Since your home environment isn't very good, perhaps you could look into resources at your school?
     
  3. Jenniewo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2018
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    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I don't believe you're forcing yourself to be trans. Most transgender people find out that they are trans when they reach puberty. One accurate way to truly tell, though, is to live as the opposite sex/gender for about a month. This way you can see how you feel by going by a different set of pronouns or maybe even a different name if that's what you desire.

    Hope this helps,
    Jennie