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A long distant friendship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GlindaRose, May 29, 2019.

  1. GlindaRose

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    Hello EC, it's been a while since I posted in here.

    You know when you visit someone that you don't get to see very often, and eventually you get to the end of the trip and have to say goodbye to them? I have a friend who lives in a different country, and have spent about the last 5 years loving her like crazy. Whenever I have to say goodbye to her, I end up wrecked. I'll lock myself in my room, cry my eyes out, and then for the rest of the week, battle the waves of emotion as I bounce between totally fine and missing her really badly.

    I've never been like this with any other friend or relative.

    Each time I see her, I'm convinced it will get easier. "I'll get used to it, it won't hurt so much this time." Each time, I end up proving myself wrong. It's the same thing all over again, the tears, the black mood, the waves of okay-ness interspersed with waves of not even being able to get out of bed.

    I guess I just keep hoping that eventually it will get better, but right now it feels like I'm compelled to be completely devastated every time we part ways knowing it'll be a long time until we next see each other.

    I'm not really sure what advice I'm looking for in this post. Normally I'm fine with leaving people for long periods of time. I'm a keen traveller and am used to it. But where she's concerned it's the exact opposite. Has anyone else loved someone to that point, when the idea of being away from them is so unbearable? How do I stop feeling crushed every single time?
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Are you sure it is purely a friendship? I'm not saying it isn't but do you think you might have more underlying feelings for her?
     
  3. GlindaRose

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    I definitely have more underlying feelings, I'll be completely honest about that. But in terms of how we relate to each other, we are just friends, and I think that is the right thing.
     
  4. Mirko

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    Hi, welcome back. :slight_smile:

    I have read your post a couple of times, and it is possible that the underlying feelings you have for your friend are causing the strong emotions you are experiencing every time you need to say your goodbyes. As you know, there are different forms of friendships, the strengths they have, the meaning we have attached to them - how important they are to us. All of those, and other factors will have an impact on us.

    When you indicate that

    and while it might be hard to think more about the feelings you do experience, how would you describe these feelings? What goes through your mind when you experience them?
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Before I figured out I was gay i worked at a camp for a summer and got really close to someone, we were just friends as you were. She left before everyone else because she had to go somewhere and when she left, out of nowhere I experienced similar feelings to those you describe, it was crazy because I'd never felt like that before.
    I'm not sure I have any amazing advice but I wanted to say you aren't alone. Perhaps realising why it happens might help you deal with it when it does.
     
  6. GlindaRose

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    Thanks for the responses.

    To answer this I will describe specifically what happened on this very recent occasion. After I said goodbye to her I went back to the flat and went to bed. At this point, I was fine. The next day, I got on a flight back home. Still fine. The whole time I was thinking, ok this is good, it isn't close to as bad as it's been in the past.

    Then I got home. And broke down into floods of tears.

    The reason? I realised that, when I was with my friend, I didn't feel worthless. I felt like she treated me like a person, and I felt like someone who mattered. Her friends who I met were very welcoming and kind. There was no judgement for my somewhat socially awkward personality, and my dedication to our friendship even got praised.

    Contrast this to my immediate relatives. When I'd gone on holiday, my mum had texted me a million times interrogating me about why I was staying in an Air bnb rather than with my friend. (Just how things turned out tbh, no particular reason.) She had a go at me for the fact that it was a flat with a shared bathroom, went on about the fact she'd been watching some documentary about young people getting kidnapped/murdered. She then apparently told my sister this, and when I got back home, the first thing my sister did was ask me why I stayed in an air bnb when my friend always stayed with me, and made a harsh generalisation about "europeans never spending a dime on accommodation."

    I was gutted. My relatives, who hardly know anything about my friend, or our friendship, had made such judgemental comments about the one person I happen to care so much about. In that moment, I felt something very strongly against my relatives. I found myself wanting to go back to my friend and stay there. Because at least there, I would feel human, not like every single move I made was being frowned upon.
     
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  7. Mirko

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    I think you wrote out the answer to what's happening, and why you are feeling the way you do/did. You have a friend in your life that cares for you and lets you know that in her own way. As you said, she treats you like a person and someone who matters. Plus, from the sounds of it, people who you presumably never met or hardly know (i.e. her friends), treated you in a nicer way than what you seem to be experiencing from your family members.

    One thing to keep in mind is that (of course) parents will often times be quick to say, why are you doing 'this' and not 'that.' When I traveled with a friend this last September to different places in the United States, we stayed in Airbnbs because they were a more affordable option than say going into a hotel - and we both agreed we would not be doing hostels. When I mentioned it to my mom that we'll be staying in Airbnbs, let's just say we had a chat about why they are safe and can be quite nice too.

    Sometimes, the comments or the words come out in a way that doesn't sound right because they come from a place of worry, from the unfamiliar. And unfortunately, documentaries and news reports about kidnappings and murders don't help. At the end of the day though, you can decide how much you allow this to have an impact on you. You can't control what your mom says, or what your family says, but you can control how you receive it, and what you do with the information. If something like this happens, maybe try to let it go past you. Try to imagine the comments floating by on a cloud into the distant horizon. And sometimes, you might also have to say, 'I hear you, but I can't listen to it at the moment because you make me feel [insert feeling]. It might help.

    If you don't mind me asking, do you live at home?
     
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  8. GlindaRose

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    I do not live with my parents. However I do share a flat with my sister. My parents live abroad, pretty far away, so the whole thing with my mum happened over WhatsApp.

    I know that parents ask these things out of concern. But it got to the point where I actually told my mum to back off because I wouldn't be able to enjoy my trip if she was constantly breathing down my neck. Literally from that distance, she managed to annoy me to the point where I had to shut her out.

    I've been doing okay recently. I still miss my friend, though it seems I keep dreaming about her. In the last one, we went skiing together. Something I hope actually comes true in my life. I've come to realise that she occupies a safe space in my head. Whenever I need to escape from reality, I go to that place, and she is always there, existing within it. Luckily, at least this time, I know roughly when I will see her next, which means I have something to look forward to. This year, I've seen more of her than usual. I'm normally lucky to see her once a year; this time, it's been about 3 times in the same year.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Hey I am sorry you have been experiencing some difficulties with your family, it can be difficult, even if you know their comments come from a place of concern.
    Do you have any friends in your local area?
     
  10. Mirko

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    Hi, I see how it all came about; to be honest, having said something to your mom, and even though it most likely wasn't easy, was probably good given the situation and the impact it had and is having. Having something to look forward to already, and even though it might still be some ways off, can certainly help.

    Silverhalo asked the question, I was wondering about as well; do you have friends that are close by?
     
  11. GlindaRose

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    I have two avenues here. One of them is the choir I'm in. The other is a professional development course I'm doing, that's related to music composition. I have a number of acquaintances/colleagues at both and I enjoy their company on a weekly basis. Outside of those, I mostly hang by myself the rest of the time. (I know people from work but am not close to any of them.)
     
  12. silverhalo

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    So it sounds like you know people where you live but you don't really have any out and out friends, so there are people you socialise with but there perhaps isn't anyone that you can have a rant to or share you inner thoughts with. I imagine that really has an impact on you missing your friend as well.
     
  13. GlindaRose

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    That probably sums it up. I am an introvert by nature. There are people in both groups I could probably come to consider friends, but no one I'd splurge my deepest darkest feelings to. (That would be the abroad friend, haha.) Mostly, I keep them to myself or pour them out in writing. I have many diaries filled with a combination of fiction and non-fiction, so plenty of my emotional splurges have made their way in. xD (Including lots of letters to the abroad friend that I'd never actually send. -blush-)
     
  14. silverhalo

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    Nothing wrong with getting things in writing, being introverted or being happy in your own company. I think sometimes when we are going through something difficult or just have stuff going on we need that someone we can just tell everything too and when they are far away its an additional complication. I wasn't suggesting you rush out and try and immediately make close friends near by, its not that easy and to a degree these things take time.
     
  15. Mirko

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    As Silverhalo mentioned, it is good that you know some people with whom you have regular contact. How would you feel about trying to forge a closer friendship with one or two other members of the choir? You would have a great starting point, as you already have something in common with them which could be a great way into getting to know others further.

    Being an introvert myself, I can empathise with some of the difficulties you are encountering. Sometimes, it can feel bit like a struggle in finding the right people to connect with and build a deeper (more meaningful) friendship, because generally as introverts, we like small groups of (close) friends with whom we can spend quality time with, while also preserving our own space, and being totally fine with spending time by ourselves. Depending on the other persons in the choir, and if by chance they tend to be more extroverted or are seeking friendships where one is more out and about in larger groups, that can become bit of a challenge.

    That said, I think it would still be worthwhile to try to get to know one or two more people which could help with knowing that there is somebody else in your life whot you can trust and count on. Take your time though; if you do decide to try to get to know someone further.

    Writing letters and keeping a journal to write about your feelings, emotions are great ways for having that outlet. There was a time where I used to keep a journal, and it was really helpful. Glad you are journaling and have enough trust in your friends abroad to write them about what you are experiencing.

    Just thinking more about what you have mentioned, I wonder, if you have a chance to spend some time with your friends talking online?
    I have a long-distance friend and we Skype, and check in, with each other on a fairly regular basis. It helps to bridge the time between the visits or the times we can do things together (like traveling). Of course it is not the same as spending time in person, but it could help with bridging the distance or feeling that friends are far away.
     
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  16. GlindaRose

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    So far, out of all the people in the choir, there is a grand total of one person who I've actually met up with completely independently of the choir. (i.e. it wasn't after-choir drinks or anything like that.) So there may be potential for more of a friendship there. Will see, I suppose.

    Speaking of online, I do actually talk to quite a lot of people on sites; it's because I am part of an online community of fiction writers, who write collaborative fiction about all our favourite fandoms. So I have a lot of online friends through that, most of whom I've never met in real life.

    With regard to the abroad friend, we don't tend to talk huge amounts online, or skype. I don't know why. Skyping just has never been a thing between us. Sometimes we text, and there was a point when we e-mailed quite frequently. It varies a bit. But it never quite beats meeting up in person. There is something special in seeing her face after ages of not seeing her. A rush of incredibly rare joy.
     
  17. Mirko

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    It is good to know that you have been able to connect with one of the choir members outside of the practice, singing sessions. It sounds like that there is a good chance that a friendship could develop.

    That's true that meeting up in person can never be really replaced by something else, even regular skyping. It sounds like though that you are having some contact and maybe there is a part of you that would like to have a bit more; maybe ask, if facetime or skyping would be an option or at least something to try out. :slight_smile: