Hi, So I am totally new to this and looking for some advice. For years, I would say 10 years or so, I have totally hidden who I am to everyone. However, it's getting to a point now where I am starting to feel like there is no option other than to come out as it's affecting my life in many ways. I was hoping to write a note for family members and friends to try and get them to understand. To give you some background info, my family, friends and work friends are so homophobic it's unreal. Please give my note a read below and let me know what you think and if you think it is the right thing to do: Those who are close to me will be aware that for many years I have been suffering from depression & anxiety, which was intensified I believe by my job, past experiences and dare I admit mainly my “lifestyle choice” and my battle to come to terms with what was clear for me to see. Firstly I would like you all to ask yourself the following ”what is a choice?” I define a choice as an act of choosing between two or more, which is three in this instance, possibilities. Lets clear the following up before I proceed “I DID NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CHOOSE THIS”. Why would I? Would you choose to single yourself out and be different when all you want to do is be “normal” and have a “normal” life? Growing up, I suppose, I have always known deep down that I was not normal. I can so very clearly recall the first time it was brought to my attention...as I peered out of the back of my car window looking directly, at someone. I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest to my stomach rapidly and I couldn't remove my eyes from them. Fixed...more like fixated...Wow! I thought. Please bear in mind my age at this time was 10, so I wasn't too sure what I was feeling. Fast forward a few years and I realized, like a smack in the face, I found that person attractive. Just to avoid any further confusion, the person I found myself attracted to was also male. Yes...I'm Gay. This may sound really trivial to some, however, admitting this and coming to terms with this has not been easy. I feel like I have no other option now other than to admit it to myself and tell others, hoping people accept me for who I am. What's the alternative? I cannot continue this lie I’m telling myself and others. I’m exhausted. Hate…thats all I hear in all aspects of my life towards “my type” whether I’m at work, with friends or in the family home. Heck…I’ve even joined in on occasions to “hope” no one could see how uncomfortable and embarrassed I was quickly becoming. Have you ever stood up on stage, not really wanting to be there, while having many people fixated on you? Yes…well, that's how it felt to me. I’m told that the world is becoming more accepting…i can only hope that's true and all the hate I have heard from the people close to me is just bravado and I will be accepted for who I am. Please think the next time you're about to make an off the cuff homophobic comment. You don't realize the effect this can have on someone around which is battling with there sexuality. I’m not asking you to accept us or agree with my “choice”, but there is no reason why we can't all treat each other with respect. Some views people agree on, some other dont…thats life. Being gay had filled me with so much anger and self-hatred. I’ve felt so frustrated that there was nothing I could do to change my sexuality. I found myself asking at different stages of me accepting who I am, “is this really worth it? Do I really need to live with this?” I found myself dreaming about burying dead bodies quite often. When looking this up “If you are hiding a dead body in a dream this can indicate you are trying to hide away from something important in life. Are you trying to hide away your feelings? Maybe even your beliefs?” Funny how your brain tried to tell you stuff even when you are not awake. To quote the greatest showman, “this is me!”.
Hey there! First of all welcome to Empty Closets! Please feel free to get in touch with a staff member if you have any questions or if you need any help. That said, I would like to offer my two cents on your post, what I have to say might be a bit long, so please bear with me. I tried coming out to my parents in 2016, at the age of 16. But it backfired, they didn't understand what I was saying and had no experience with LGBTQ+ stuff since they nor I, have never heard about it before. Since we live in a slightly conservative, extremely judge-mental society, they were more concerned about what our relatives, neighbors and friends would think if they found out. So I understood I wouldn't be getting any support from anywhere and wasn't completely sure about myself, so I went into the closet. I came out of the closet on-line on EmptyClosets in Late 2015, but the first time I told some supportive friends about my being gay was in 2018. That was also when I started being myself, letting my inner gay out when I was hanging out with them, started dating and basically spent the better part of the year exploring myself fully. I never thought I’d have to come out to them again, at least for another couple of years, till I move out of their house, get a better paying job and be a bit more financially independent. But that didn’t happen. The truth comes out one way or the other, and my parents found out I “still thought I was gay” in their words and found out about my dates and meets with guys. Things blew up, as they are still homophobic and quite religiously orthodox when it comes to things like sex and lifestyle. Since I’m 29 years old now, things have gotten a bit harder when it comes to trying to convince them to see the truth for what it is, but now that they know about me, I’m trying to stop hiding myself and am actively helping them see reason. The gist of what I’m trying to say here is that, if you feel like you need to come out to your (homophobic) family and get them to understand you, by all means go ahead. I’m not trying to scare you, but it will be a slightly up-hill battle. Harsh words might be said, fights might happen, but don’t lose hope and don’t cave in. The letter is a very good idea, but be prepared for confrontations and tears later on. As hard as it gets, even if your family does a lot of yelling and crying, try to be calm on your end. It doesn't help if everyone screams at each other, I learned that the hard way. And it will take time for them to understand and come to terms with how you want to live your life and who you actually are. Be patient and give them that time. Please let us know how things go. I wish you the very best and am confident things will work out for you. As I mentioned before, all of you on EC are here for you. Feel free to write a message on my profile if you need to talk. J (I haven’t written a letter before, I’ve always come out to people on their faces, so I’m not of much help in providing a comment on the letter you wrote. I think it is very good though. )
Hey WELCOME to EC! I think I would shorten it a bit. Maybe take out the part about hate, no need to put that thought in their heads. Maybe something like " I realize that some of you may have already figured me out and for some of you it will come as a complete surprise that I am gay. For some of you it may take some time to accept while others will realize that I am just the same person that I have always been, a son, a brother, a nephew, a friend. The only thing I see as a change is that I will not have to hide anymore, feel less than, or be ashamed of myself . I hope you all understand that God made both me and you and God is perfect. insert John chapter 3 verse 16" The people that you think wont accept might surprise you! My version is just an idea you don't have to use it. There are other examples here on EC I just can't remember where they are, ask one of the staff. Remember, those that won't accept don't need to be in your life. Blood doesn't always equal family. Good luck, let us know how things go and what you decide. Dean
Great comments about your note. I don't have anything to add to those. I will, however, point out one point you may not have considered: Many people are afraid of, and judgemental toward, things they are unfamiliar with. And this is especially true of straight people that (think they) don't know many gay people well. The negative stereotypes are out there, and that's what informs many people's opinions. You will probably discover that, given a bit of time, most of your friends and family come around and are supportive. It may take them a bit of time to adjust, but fundamentally, who you are hasn't changed... it's just that they now know something they didn't know before. So I think sending the note is a good idea, and will have a very positive impact on your self-esteem and depression. Please let us know how it turns out.
I relate a lot with the situation you’re in. I was in the closet for about eight years before I came out. I don’t really have anything to add, but I hope everything goes well for you.
I don't have a lot to add to your specific situation, as I have the luxury of living hundreds of miles from my parents and siblings. It haunted me for years about how to break the news to them (even the term "break the news" has a whole lot of internalised homophobia packed up in it). I wouldn't have been able to take their likely rejection if I did it while I was young; I wouldn't be able to accept they pity at the struggles I'd been through if I did it now. But now I'm out - I honestly don't care whether they find out or not. If I never come out to them, it doesn't affect me in any way. If they find out, well I'll just play the "I thought you already knew" card and move on. I understand this is easy to say when they aren't much in my life any more, aside from occasional visits. But my point is that your perspective will change over time, so don't beat yourself up if now is not the right time to open up to them. But it terms of mental health - mine has improved immensely since I came out. It's only to a very limited group right now, but that's been enough to turn me from borderline suicidal to feeling very positive. It's important to feel that someone loves you or is even just friends with the real you, not the mask we wear in the closet. It's incredibly good for your self esteem, and punctures the self hatred. But it doesn't necessarily need to be everyone in your life. One step at a time can work wonders.
