Hello all, I would like to apologize in advance, this might get a bit lengthy. I am also not big on Internet forums but I feel like it would be best to get other opinions on my situation. As I’m sure I’m not going through something anyone else hasn’t. I am almost certain that I am Gay. I fantasize exclusively about men. I want a relationship with another man. In fact I came out to my parents and to my core group of friends.( that last part becomes extremely important). I was comfortable with my self. No one gave me a hard time. I know that I am extremely lucky for this to happen they way it did. As time went on to though everything changed. I always thought that a relationship while I was still in high school was a poor idea. I rationalized that the chances of finding a real relationship at such an age were slim so why bother. I chose to go to a university in the city because I wanted to be myself. First year of university nothing changed. I kept the same way of thinking, but I started to get feelings that I wanted to date. Over that summer I began to feel shame about being gay. At first it barely interfered with my life but grew faster than I could control. I then started to avoid anything related to the LGBT community. From the flag to the people. As time has progressed I feel as if I’m going to have a panic attack whenever I find out someone is gay. Or if I see the flag out in public. I tried discussing the it with my parents and they tried to help. But In the end they didn’t understand how I could go from being proud of who I am to not even able to be associated with it. I turned to my core group of friends and they had little to no advice, boiling down to “you’ll get better.” I started to not understand how another man could say another man is “cute” or “adorable”. And I know it sounds ridiculously stupid to say that. Im not to big on any PDA straight or gay. But if I see two men kissing I turn away and think how could they do that. However at the same time I do imagine myself as one of them. Being held by another man. I’ve never had a relationship. When I say that I have not even held hands with another man let alone be intimate. I’ve tried to go to a local center but that panic feeling takes over. This past 3-4 months though are what pushed me to reach and try to get other opinions. My core group of friends consists of 4 other guys. There really the only people that I constantly talk to and hang out with. All have had girlfriends and all made fun of anyone in the LGBT community. Even though they accepted me the jokes bothered me a bit. Although I’ve always have had fun with them and have never really gotten into any fights. they are good guys. I found out 3 months ago that all of them have boyfriends. To me it was hard to believe. 3 of say their BI and one says their gay. I mean what are they chances of 5 people that formed a group in middle school all turned out to be LGBT related? Turns out they all are. To my knowledge non are lying about that part. I was so excited that I didn’t stop to think of how they all have boyfriends. I felt that I wasn’t alone and that I could try talking to them and figure myself out. All of them said they were there for me and that they would talk anytime about it. That they wanted to help me. I was hesitant at first and only started talking to one of them. I’ll refer to that one as J. J somewhat would talk and try to help me but it one day he just said that he would continue to help me but he didn’t know what to say to me. I thought that was fair because I feel that my situation is a bit complicated. I was a bit disappointed. Turns out that J is actively involved with a lot of LGBT groups. From support groups to apparently in a bar or club. I never imagined J doing anything like this. It turns out that he is also extremely open about everything. The same night J told me this the others all texted me to say that they didn’t like discussing why their gay or bi. It also said that they just were and that I should just accept who I am and move on from the subject. All of the messages were the same from all of them. About 2 weeks after that I saw one of their parents where I work and started to talk to them. After about an hour they informed me that all of them would get together and discuss this very issue at their house. Multiple times this happened across a year and a half. The parents even wondered why I didn’t come. I got J to tell me this and it looks to be true. I feel as if I’m looking through a looking glass. I don’t know exactly how to feel, but it’s not helping with myself not being able to hardly be around other gay people. I do realize that there are two issues packed into this. I also hope that I posted to the right thread. I really would appreciate any advice or opinions that anyone could provide. I am also willing to expand further on something if needed. Thank you for anyone that takes time out of their days to respond.
The most important thing in all that you have said seems to be that you are not really happy with who you are. Once we have come out to ourselves then we have to learn to love who we are. I would like to know what changed within you that you could not see anything that suggested gayness without wanting to turn away or close your eyes. Have you worked out why this is? I know you have spoken about the group of five of you but they seem to have excluded you from some very important sharing at one of their houses. Why was this? have you asked them why you were not invited? My simple advice is that you should seek out a personal counsellor who can help you sort out your own feelings and help you find a direction. Ziggy i hope that you will respond to this so that either myself or others better able to help you can respond. I feel for your pain that seems to be hidden behind all that you say.
I totally agree with MapleCross here. Could self-esteem issues have become focused on your gayness? As you said, you rationalized away the possibility of a relationship in high school and your first year at university. Do you think you may be afraid of intimacy? Do you understand that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be loved and to love? Your friends did not want to discuss why they're gay or bi. This suggests to me that perhaps you are questioning why you are gay, am I right? Most people who are out have settle this question on a personal and political level: "I was born this way." "I just am." "God made me this why." And so on. It kind of feels like you are pushing them away as well: "...it’s not helping with myself not being able to hardly be around other gay people." Is that why didn't you go to these "meetings"? As MapleCross said, I too feel your pain that seems hidden behind what you've said. Please keep us posted.
Hello both MapleCross and Lek. First off thank you for responding. I am going to try to respond in the order you did. I would say that I am not really happy with who I am. In a figure of speech I feel as if my mind is falling apart and I’m barely holding it together. I can’t say exactly what or when I started to change. I can say that when I look at my future I see myself being successful with a women by my side. It is not a happy thought and I feel bad when I think that because it’s not what I want. I would also say that I look at my gayness as if i were to give in I would then lose a battle to something bad. Regarding my friends. I did not know that any of them were gay or bi. Yes I did ask them why I wasn’t invited and the simple response was that they didn’t want me around. I also asked them if I did something wrong and all of there responses were that no and there cool with me. It’s really making me think. I actually am seeking a counselor. I started last week. I don’t know if I would say it’s self esteem. I will say that I definitely feel ashamed. That I, for some reason can’t accept it. I don’t even know if I could say I’m open about it anymore because I’ve completely avoid the subject now at all costs. It’s just got to a point we’re i don’t feel like i have anyone to talk to. Especially once I found out that my friends don’t want to talk to me. That’s why I found my way to this site. I know your strangers on the internet but thank you responding.
