I am not ok. Living with an anxiety disorder is taking its toll. I am so ready to scream to the world I am bisexual, and that I am ready to take a step forward. But it is complicated. For those of you who don't know my background, my husband was abusive and used alcohol to bring a third wheel into our marriage. She made me feel alive, and it took a long time to accept myself. I grew up and living in such a homophobic community and don't see myself leaving any time soon. She broke me and then helped me get back on my feet as she was the only person my husband would listen to. I started to feel safe with her and loved holding her and being held by her. Then something happened a few years ago and our relationship came to an end. I cut complete ties with her a year ago. Since breaking up with her, I've had a couple of women and been rejected twice. It has been a couple of years since I decided to step back and focus on repairing my marriage. Some days I feel like I deserve to have a woman where I feel whole, I feel safe and content with life. But the little voice in my head tells me off. I can't hurt my husband like that, I don't want to hurt him the way he hurt me. I don't have time to build a relationship with a woman because I am a mother and just adopted our first grandchild. My relationship with my oldest son is not doing so well, we argue all the time and he blames me for a shitty life. My mother is toxic homophobic and recently became a reverend with the Anglican church. Coming out publicly will destroy me. I am content with who I am, and want to hold a woman. But at the same time, everything and everyone is telling me that it is not right and that I am living in sin because God created a man and a woman to be together and that is the only relationship that is acceptable. Any lgbtq is not right, and I hear homophobic slurs coming from the mouths of my family. I want to feel safe with my husband, I want to feel complete intimately with him, I want him to satisfy every part of me and I want him to be enough for me. But it doesn't work. Denying myself the companionship of a woman is only making me more frustrated. Why do I have to sacrifice myself over and over and over? Husband now wants nothing to do with other women. For sure my boys will not accept my sexuality. My family will disown me. Why do I put up with putting myself last all the time? Because I am a wife and mother, do I have to put them first all the time? Do I need to take care of them 24/7. Do I have to conform to a predetermined life that is acceptable in my isolated community of almost 3000? Why can't I get what I want?
Hey I am so sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I am not sure I have any advice for you. Without being able to leave it sounds like a no win situation. My thoughts are with you.
Hey @Mystic flower, It sounds like you have a lot going on, even without the added complication of your sexuality. It doesn’t sound like your home life is a happy one. You say that your husband has been abusive...can you work towards leaving him? Given the situation, there should be support available to you. Start by doing some research, contact a DA support service and get their perspective. If you can afford it, a therapist might also be able to help you process all of this. Don’t get caught up in thinking that you’ll never be able to come out, so what’s the point in leaving! It sounds like you’d be happier away from your husband, so focus on that first and work the sexuality stuff out later. Start taking some steps towards leaving and you’ll start to feel more confident, which will help. I know that it feels impossible, I’ve been there, but you’ll feel better if you start taking some steps to become independent.
Thank you. My husband had made a turn around, and is now loving and supporting. He no longer is abusive once we both sobered up and chose to live a healthier lifestyle. About 6 years ago, though, his abuse was bad to a point where I was ready to commit suicide if my life was not improving. With therapy and communication, my life had started to improve. Seeing this side of husband can get overwhelming, anxiety tells me to expect something bad to happen. One wrong move and someone will snap. I am used to being told I am not good enough. And yes, it is impossible for me to leave unless I move out of this community. I don't see that happening as anxiety prevents me from stepping out. My life is complicated and I am overwhelmed at the moment. I feel selfish for craving to hold a woman, to feel safe.
