I have been a member for quite a while. For some reason I was unable to use my existing account as I lost log in details for the email I used to sign in. I gave up and have started afresh. My other user name is Jackiescutt17.... I feel a little lost. I was an addict to this site a couple of years ago when I first came out. It was the only place I could find an escape from the confusion and overwhelming change that hit me when I realised I was gay. Now I am back. I feel a bit unloyal, I think I should have stayed in touch with my EC family. It's the first place I have turned to for support. I have just split with my first female partner of two years and for the first time in my life realise how a breakup hurts. I have never experienced this feeling before! I am 54, have four grown sons and didn't realise I was gay till I was 51. I always felt I was more into her than she was with me... I suggested a month break, but deep down think this is it. She is very wrapped up in herself and her own world, not sure she can change (or wants too)I know there will be a time when this pain subsides, but at the moment I am just so lost. X I also need to get strong, and I know this site was my rock before and I need that again now! If after our month break we meet I want to be sure it's best for me and just not slipping back into what we had which was good... but something was missing for me. She was the first person I truly loved and could be myself with. Big empty space now
Sorry you are going through this. It is a big empty space indeed. I cut all ties to the first woman I've ever been intimate with last year, although our fling ended a few years ago. I do miss her, but know that she is toxic for me and my marriage. She was our third wheel, she manipulated both husband and I and she is one complicated person. I think both of us need to replace the void with something we love to do. I used to write a lot, maybe I could start writing again. What are your hobbies? What is something you can invest your time and effort into?
Hello Mystic Flower. Thank you for responding. I can busy myself with lots and have done today. She lives an hour away and we both work so my weekends were spent at her house. She has a young son and very lively dog so it was easier to go to hers. During the 2 years we were together my house has suffered. I am giving it a good spring clean and a facelift. Going to tidy the garden and decorate everything. I gave her a month to think about what she wants... I am hoping that works for me too? Her son messaged me today. There will be some contact whatever happens as I am close with her son and he loves me. He doesn't know anything at the moment. He just thinks I am having time to tidy at home. We are all supposed to meet up for her birthday in a months time. We will chat then about how we move forward. This is a first for me. I have had relationships with men that I have ended easily. I was obviously barking up the wrong tree for years so didn't properly love them... maybe I loved them but I was not in love with them. This is different. It sucks. You talk about your third wheel... is she still with your husband? Have you not felt like meeting someone else? x
Hey @JackieScut ! I was just thinking about you! I’m glad you’re back but sorry it’s under these circumstances. I don’t have anything useful to say but hope that your time apart and hashing things out here will help you move forward in whatever way makes things better.
Hi Jackie! I'm sorry. When they say, "love hurts", this is what they're talking about. It's not just sadness, there's a physical pain that comes with it. Just know you won't always feel like this. I'm glad you're back here on Empty Closets!
I feel like I am back home. Is that strange. I should never have left. I am glad you realised it was me Really xxxxx
Hi there, remember me? I understand the feeling of being heartbroken too now. It takes a long time to heal. Perhaps you can sort it out. But I think you are wise to carry on with your spring clean and redecorating. Also make contact with old friends. The pain is physical and real, as SevnButton describes. Take good self-care. Do things that lift your mood slightly and accept that there will be moments when it feels unbearable, but that these too shall pass.
Hey welcome back. Don't worry that you haven't logged in all the time, sometimes real life has to take over and there is nothing wrong with that. I totally remember your story and also my condolences that you are back under these circumstances but I am sure we can help you get through this period whatever the month brings. I'm kind of intrigued but you don't have to answer if you don't want to. Before you offer the months break how would you have described the relationship from your point of view, did you think everything was fine or did you kind of know that something was up and this is where it was heading?
Hello. Yes I remember you, one of my first friends on here and a great support when I needed it most xxx Self care is something I know I have to concentrate on. I already I feel motivated to do that, and then I think, what's the point? The last 2 years have taken a toll on me. The weight I lost when I first found out I was gay has piled back on. I really let myself go. Part of me blames her for the lifestyle we led. Another part of me says I was in control and it's my own fault. Another part of me feels glad now I have pulled away from this sort of magnetic vice that had me going back again and again knowing that there was a missing piece and that it would come to an end. I am so glad to be back on here. I won't be losing touch with EC again. x How are things with you Peterpangirl?
Hi Silverhalo, it's good to hear from you.I don't mind you asking at all. It has always been good. Really good. We laughed together loads and chatted non stop when we met and by phone whenever we got a free moment. She definitely suffered with depression that stemmed from work. She said I was her rock and she left a stressful teaching role and had a year off. She is back to work now and even though she has a job that is virtually taylor made to suit her... still not happy. She works 3 days a week on a very good wage. Not quite enough to cover her bills and she discussed at one point me moving in. I was holding back. I have a home (long term rented) with my sons, 2 dogs, work and friends here. She lives an hour away which would have been hard for work. It felt like the moving in bit would have been on the cards anyway but it also felt she bought it forward for financial reasons. I noticed first in bed she didn't seem as into it as me. That made me feel less like doing anything. She picked up on that and after several months it came to a head. She asked if I was enjoying it and I said no. I can't say sex was great, it had been exciting and we both didn't feel unsatisfied but it was very boring and quick. Not like at first. She was reluctant to try anything different, not anything mad but she preferred to stay on her back and I always took the lead. I had mentioned it and she said her libido was low as she was depressed. Then last weekend I didn't respond when she wanted to do it and it all came out. She admitted she wasn't in to me as much as I was into her. She has some hang ups. She can't seem to let past relationships go, she has a hang up with each of her ex's, and gets angry when she talks about them. It's like they all owe her something. She loves me, is in love with me. She can't bear to imagine life without me. She said she is getting closer and closer to me all the time and feels a special bond between us but there is something holding her back where she can let a little part of herself go... scared on being hurt deeply again. She also said sometimes she doesn't even think she's gay? I told her it isn't enough for me. I want it all. I deserve it all and as much as the rest of the relationship is great that I needed to have that closeness in bed returned. She broke down and said she agreed. She said I deserve more. She said almost immediately that she felt relief. And after that we made love 3 times and it was like in the beginning. She said she felt different and all of a sudden the tenderness and excitement came back. But I am not sure if that will last. I said she needs to have a real think on what she wants. I gave her a month. I said in that month I can try and get back to feeling normal, feeling the old me without being wrapped in her. A close EC friend (she knows who she is) said there is something called a lesbian weld/merge? I think I have experienced this. It is so strong and I loved it. Totally submerged in her world, her friends... I now need to get ME back. It's so hard not talking to her. Only 2 days in and haven't had to charge my phone once! But I have to stick to this month and keep busy and hope I can unweld myself from this relationship as I don't think it's healthy for me.
Yeah I think it is common for lesbian relationships to be really intense very quickly and then merge or become one. I think it can be really difficult when you are involved in the relationship to stop it happening or even notice it in a lot of ways. I also think when it is your first relationship it can intensify it also. The month will be tough but you will get through the month and when you come out the other side hopefully everything will be clearer for everyone. It sounds to me like she needs to work on those parts of herself that are holding her back regardless of her decision on your relationship. We learn things from all of these experiences and so whilst it hurts too much right now it will get better.
*****I tried to reply to the wall post Really but it would not let me start a conversation with you. I remember I used to struggle with navigating this site before. Hello, I am such a donut... It took ages for me to work out how to do this post reply to you. Hope it works. OMG how lovely it was to see your message waiting there for me when I logged on XxX It sucks. Big time. This is definitely the first time I have felt like this after a split. . Came home early from work. That has been so hard to cope with. I came off FB and hid myself offline in WhatsApp! I keep looking at our chat thread and I can see she has been doing the same. It's churning me up in knots. I started this, I was the one that said I was putting more in than her. I walked out and came home... both of us destroyed. We really love each other but there is something she is holding back. Ball is in her court now, she needs to decide what she wants. Sort out her issues and if she doesn't want me then I will just have to accept that. But she does want me, she said so. Can not imagine us not being together... she is screwed up. She says you can't have everything. We are In love, love each other, enjoy being together but no passion in bed from her. I think drink and depression have had a bad effect on her. I hope the month off makes her realise what she could be losing. Or maybe she is relieved it's over??? Not knowing is crippling me !!!!!!!!! How are things with you. Still cycling? Your turn. I should never have left this site. Feels like home lol x
Hey @JackieScut , This sounds like a very emotional time for you! I’m not sure what to say but maybe trying to work through this break without keeping tabs on her quite so much would help you (and her) develop more clarity? Is there some other friend you can confide in? There’s always us here, of course. As for posting on my profile, I believe you need a minimum number of posts. 10 or 15? Can’t remember. When you see a message on your profile, just click the Conversation link below the message in question and then post your reply. I also wonder if the admins could merge this new account into your old one. If that’s something you’d like. I’m not sure they can but you could ask them at the bottom of the forums page in Ask the Staff.
Just a quick note, starting a conversation is like a private message which you can only do when you are a full member and to another full member. @Really is right though you should be able to reply to the profile post once you have 10 or 15 posts .
