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Married, kids, bisexual, depressed

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jggates, Aug 1, 2018.

  1. Jggates

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    I made it! I came out to my wife as bisexual.

    It went okay. I feel like a massive burden has been lifted.
     
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  2. Questions93

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    Congratulations! Delighted for you.
     
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  3. Jggates

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    Thank you :blush:
     
    #303 Jggates, May 26, 2019
    Last edited: May 26, 2019
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  4. LostJedi

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    Outstanding. Congrats!

    This whole thread started and petered out months before I found this forum and signed up. I only found it now because it popped to the top of the list. At almost 300 posts, I haven't read the entire thread, but it has been very good to read.

    What was your spouse's response? What was the conversation? Very interested and happy for you.
     
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  5. LostJedi

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    While I was reading through these posts I see that you posted the story elsewhere....
     
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  6. Jggates

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    Her response was nothing but supportive. Regret that I hadn't been able to confide in her while I was drowning, but she understood that I had to come to terms with myself before opening up.

    So far, so good.
     
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  7. DecentOne

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    I’m so glad for you!
     
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  8. Jakebusman

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    Great What happens next
     
  9. Jggates

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    No big changes. The only difference is that I suddenly feel "normal" again.
     
  10. Jakebusman

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    what she say
     
  11. Jggates

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    Pure support. She expressed regret that I hadn't been able to confide in her and gone through the journey alone, but she also understood why I couldn't come out until I had accepted myself.
     
  12. Jakebusman

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    did she know
     
  13. Jggates

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    No. She knew I'd been seeing a therapist, but not the reason why.
     
  14. Jakebusman

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  15. LostJedi

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    Yes. Same here.

    Coming out as bi to my spouse (and to others since then) has made me feel more centred and real, and my spouse has been terrifically supportive - which has made a world of difference. I've found that I've become more consistently happy and confident in my day to day life - that I am truly comfortable in my own skin and being authentic with who I am.

    My spouse and I check in from time to time, like debriefing after I go to coming out support group meetings and after she told a close circle of her friends. With the former, I don't divulge the specifics of what is discussed (the sessions are intended to be confidential) but rather my feelings and thoughts that are inspired by the discussion. With the latter, she was perplexed by some of the questions and comments that they had, and she realized that some of her initial comments were confused and sometimes based on silly assumptions. By unpacking these things together, it has improved my understanding of who I am, and she has gotten to know me better than anyone else in my life.

    My relationship has shown itself to be strong, supportive, and emotionally fulfilling enough that I don't feel any voids that need to be filled by other men or women. Of course, I still get those passing fancies (like the other day, meeting the parents of a child who is friends with my child, and feeling a little lustful attraction to both) but I have no desire to pursue anything with anyone else. Unbelievably, coming out has made a strong relationship even stronger, and I continue to feel extremely fortunate.
     
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  16. arken1

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    Really glad to see that you were able to get to this stage. Coming out is generally a process, so I would advise you keep your mind healthy, either by continuing to be active in this forum and helping others, carving out time to meditate, or even maintaining some form of therapy. You've definitely gotten through the most challenging hurdle!

    It's sad that people equate therapy with secrecy and weakness. I personally think it's plaguing society by making us all suppress all feelings and making unnecessary suffering in everyone's lives. In an ideal world, everyone should have a therapist.... maybe with monthly check-ins or something. But especially LGBTQ people, because we often don't have anyone to talk to about our issues.
     
    #316 arken1, Jun 4, 2019
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  17. Jggates

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    Agreed - things would have probably been easier if I'd been able to admit I was struggling. Although the problem was as much admitting to myself as it was admitting to others.
     
  18. Jggates

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    Yes, I'm mindful that I'm probably in the "honeymoon phase" where everything feels like a massive relief. I jumped before I was really ready as things were coming to a head (my wife knew I was in therapy, noticed changes in my behaviour, and was starting to get to the wrong conclusions), so when the dust settles I may well need more help.

    In the meantime, I'll try to keep active on here. I'm also on twitter practicing being more open, so hopefully just being "me" again is what I need to keep my mind healthy. But if I start to sink, therapy won't seem like such a big thing any more.
     
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  19. Jggates

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    Bonus thought - what I really am wanting to do is volunteer at a local LGBT support centre. My (selfish) motivation is more about stopping myself going back into hiding. I'm not making some big "coming out" announcement to anyone else, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm hiding. So this seems like a happy medium - no big drama, but if someone spots me there and asks questions then that's fine.

    But I also realise there are two players in this game now. I've also got to consider how my wife feels about this. I've had time to process my thoughts and worries, whereas this is all new to her. She's been nothing but supportive, but when the dust settles she may be uncomfortable with others knowing - they will make unwarranted assumptions about our relationship. So for the time being, I'm just letting things ride, and making sure I talk about things with her so that it doesn't become a Big Thing that we don't mention.

    So far, so good. :slight_smile:
     
  20. DecentOne

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    Yes, this is what I have found. My love of my wife means inviting her on the journey, and trying to be patient (but still assertively stating that I want to be fully “out”). She didn’t ask for this... and she has worries about people gossiping or judging.
     
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