Vulnerability...

Picture

Not great pics... but I’ve had a beard since I was 15. I mean I’d shave it off for a minute but always let it grow back quick. I’ve always been self conscious about my hog jaw (it’s still there just a lot smaller since losing like almost 120 lbs (hog jaw is what my family calls the double chin)). I’ve used the beard as a way to hide and two days ago (left pic) I looked at it and hated it so much. Another physical example of how I’ve let what others say or think control me... I decided it had to go. So it’s gone (right today) and I think I’m gonna keep it off... at least for a while!

I know I’m gonna be tempted to grow it back because of insecurities but I’m gonna try to over come these for sure... keep working on the inside and out and reminding myself where I was and where I am now... makes looking at where I want to be not seem so impossible...

 

My grandmother has passed away... the next few days are gonna be hard, but I’m staying focused on what I gotta get done.

 

So I’m still in bed this morning and feel like I want to cry a little. I’ve not done that yet and feel like I need to... it’s just to let go seems like a major commitment. Seeing my sister cry, my uncle cry, my cousin cry, and the nurse cry we’re all hard (my mom and brother too but the cry often so I it’s not the same seeming them). When I felt myself tearing up I’d drop my sunglasses over my eyes and it’s like bam I’m good. I don’t know why sunglasses have always made me feel safer when I feel like my emotions are showing. I guess because people can’t see my eyes. I started another thread specifically about the death. I don’t know why...

Last night I went riding with my brother in law. We talked about everything. I caught him up on therapy. I shared a few fights mom and I have had fought about the last few days. He witness one yesterday. A couple days ago I talked with mom really in depth about plans for me on work and all (I knew when my grandmother passed I’d be able to get back to work and all) but how my anxiety and such has caused such issues and what would be best when it came to work. It was a great convo. But yesterday in front my sister and her husband she made a big deal about me finding a job right away to pay “our” light bill next month... I was so hurt and upset because she was making a spectacle and trying to get sympathy for herself but did it at my expense. Using something she knew caused me anxiety and hit me way below the belt on my self esteem. I told him what I had told her about my plans with work and he thought it was a great idea. He was very supportive and even offered to help (he’s an accountant). I told him I want to move to ATL in August or September. I’ve already been talking with a couple people there trying to get ready to find a room mate when it gets closer haha. I know he was very supportive of this and I know him and my sister will offer a lot of support in me getting back on my feet. I feel like such a pathetic asshole saying that but I’ve been down a while... that’s another story. But I’ve been working hard in therapy trying to get my stuff together and get myself pulled back in the road. He said they’ve seen the change and the hard work I’ve done the last few months and they are behind me and want to help me however they can. I even told him about my freak out saying that what happened when I was 6 was sex... we talked a bit about that.

It’s weird but all this has been bottling up for a month and this week started coming out. Last night it poured out and that felt good to let it go. I didn’t want to because it wasn’t a good time... I felt guilty I mean with what’s going on... but he engaged and asked questions so it kept it going.

 

Today I feel like I am completely alone and not in a good way. Like I’m stranded on an island all by myself and it’s kinda sad. Wasn’t sure I should even continue to post but I know I can’t make any major decisions when I’m upset and I have therapy tomorrow. This has been one of the three assignments I have. I am suppose to continue to reach out for support with my online support group. She’ll ask me tomorrow have I used my resources since my grandma’s death and I don’t want to say no.

The thread started as a defense of being guarded, grew into why I was guarded, how I could become less guarded and followed the work I’ve been putting into the process on these issues. I’d let my walls down (I thought) completely with EC before but it wasn’t till this thread that I realized I hadn’t and I hadn’t even let my walls down for my self.

The problem is now I have started trying to be more open I’ve felt that need, dependency on others. I’ve let others in to my life in ways to talk about my feelings and such and know what if feels like to not have to carry it around alone... only the last few days when I’ve reached for a place to unburden myself I’ve felt very much out of bounds.

Like the conversation with my brother in law was great. I was surprised at how much I’ve bottled up the last few weeks because what I was facing. All that was stuff I had shared here and in therapy so it’s still like telling the story or history lesson. I’m talking real time unburdening. The personal attacks on my self esteem I’ve dealt with the last few days... like mom making comments about my anxiety and how I’ve got figure it out because of everything going on and I gotta get back to work. I took off work to take care of her and Mema first (then went back and my anxiety kicked into over drive caused issues I took a short break for me and since I’ve been taking care of them again). Or dad grabbing my hog jaw (double chin) it hangs a little differently because it’s sooooooooo much smaller than it was but he did it to just point out it was still there and I’m still fat... my sister being short with me... my brother yelling. Everyone saying “I’m sorry I’m just super stressed I shouldn’t have been mean I know I hurt your feelings thank god you’ve kept a level head....” everyday there’s been a number of things that’s happened and I have them all right here (my hand is over my chest I know it’s cheesy) carried them myself. I’m use to that I guess. I’ve got therapy tomorrow so I guess I can unload there for sure...

 

I was literally dreading today. I don’t know why, I guess I knew things wouldn’t be bad and I wasn’t looking forward to it. We talked about losing Mema and how things have been since. How I’ve still not cried, like really cried. I did for a minute (not even) last night. I guess this was the beginning of the end to a happy session.

I don’t think I’ve posted this here but after she passed several things has happened that felt very much like intentional blows to my self esteem. Like I’ve lost nearly 120 lbs. Most people at the funeral commented on the massive weight loss, and the hair cut, and the fact that I shaved because they are use to seeing me in a beard (since I was like 15). My bio dad however reached and grabbed the bit of hog jaw (double chin) that’s still there. It’s a decent bit but no where near what it was. It was after the funeral but in front of people, it was embarrassing and humiliating and well seemed very intentional. Almost like I shouldn’t feel good about how I look. Well mission accomplished I’ve felt like a whale since... I’ve pulled up the side by side comparison pics of the before and after to remind me but it’s no use I’ve only looked in the mirror when I’ve had to for two days... I’ve ate raw veggies mainly, drank some fresh low fat low calorie high protein smoothies, I’ve had small normal breakfast and a small piece of something in the afternoon but I’m back on a very strict diet without even thinking about it. Mom said something today at lunch about noticing... I didn’t even realize it honestly.

Well mom had her little digs too. My anxiety and such has been very crippling the last few years. It’s interfered with work off and on and with my social life a lot. Like I have isolated myself completely for like two years now. She knows how self conscious I am about my anxiety and this stuff. We had a great convo about my plans on going back to work after things settled down as an independent sales consultant. I can set my own pace and it is something I’m good at. She was very supportive. But in front of my sister and her husband she made a big deal about me having to go to work to pay the bills and then again made a comment about her paying all the bills. It’s sad because it’s like what I do doesn’t matter. What I’ve done doesn’t matter. She wanted sympathy and got it at my expense.

Well I’m therapy and I’m unloading. I’m sharing how lonely I am, how I don’t have anyone I can just talk with, I feel it’s my fault for sure, I made a comment about my previous posts here and how I’d prob have to apologize. She asked why and I told her how I felt and it just seemed ridiculous and I apologized again. She was pissed... apparently apologizing for your feelings isn’t an ok thing to do and I missed this lesson completely. I also missed her little hints that she found it unacceptable. I got the message loud and clear now. It’s a habit I guess and I’m like look I’m working hard on myself and trying to do better, she agreed. I guess I just don’t realize how much I shrink myself for real.

Now I have to journal more specifically... a guided journal which seems like really? And journal my real feelings. This freaks me out! I don’t like to put them down. Even here I edit. I don’t want go risk saying everything and then it getting out. What if someone sees. There feelings would be hurt with what I put already. If I put my actual feelings down.... people would never speak to me again. Now I have to. This causes me such anxiety...

 

We talked about this in therapy too. She asked me what am I scared of. I already feel completely alone. So, if I reach out to lean on someone and they aren’t there... it would just prove I am right. I am completely alone. This scares me... thinking something and knowing something are two very different things. You can’t unknow something... I’m not sure this makes sense.

I actually really enjoy mediating. I always seem to forget to do this when I’m spiraling. But walking is kinda a time I like to do that but sometimes I can’t do that alone so I really need to just schedule me time to mediate everyday to get in the habit.

I love crystals... mine have gone missing. I suspect they’ve been taken lol I mean they don’t fit in biblically hahahaha but I have no proof. My brother in law got me some soap that’s embedded with a quartz crystal so I’ll have a new one soon... I got to get back to the crystal shop for sure. And I love smudging. I’m omnist so I kinda believe in it all...

 

My mom and sister are sooooo pissed about him doing that. My sister saw it and I told mom. Even last night mom and my sister made a comments about stuff. I was rubbing my double chin I hate so much with out thinking and I guess I looked upset and my sister was like you look great you gotta stop letting what that ass said upset you. Then mom fussed about “me starving myself to lose weight” she expected me to say something argumentative back. I just said I know I am. I ate a little gluten free cupcake and nothing else after that because it was too much and I was upset with my weight so yea... I get it. I’m trying to do better but it’s a working progress.

My anxiety has been in hyper drive lately. I think the world is starting to turn again after standing still so long (with my grandmother being sick and passing) now I’m breaking out. I’ve been taken Xanax go try and keep calm but since I don’t take them normally I keep forgetting and them and the margaritas are having their how party hahahaha

I’ve been putting this off but I’m gonna start today... I’ve even cut back on here because I’ve not wanted to put down my feelings and felt guilty about some of them... but I’m gonna do it.

 

I considered creating a new thread for this post but it goes with this one. As I’ve shared I’ve been extremely lonely. I’ve also been keeping myself off the market because I want to work on me. Well... I slipped. I hooked up with a guy. I don’t really like him, I don’t find him attractive like at all, and he kinda aggravates me. This made him perfect for the moment.

I wanted contact with someone. Just that feeling of someone being there, but not someone I’d fall for or anything. I’ve made it clear I’m not looking for anything serious or even steady so he’d know. During the encounter it was great. It was like ok I haven’t forgotten how to do this stuff... I felt as confident as ever in that area. But once it was over I felt like shit.

I’ve now added another random to my list whom had no redeeming qualities to be there except he was a man and willing, I don’t really like bringing people I don’t know into my space I normally go to there’s but he came to me and I regret that seriously, and the worst part is for that hour I forget all about the problems and struggles I was facing. That feeling is so intoxicating and I am craving it again (from someone else).

So still guarded, still lost, still confused, still lonely... just now very hyper aware of the simplest way to ease all of these for a bit... I should be caned!

 

I’ve not been doing great lately. I think that is clear by my lack of activity here. I do tend to isolate as I spiral and I was crashing hard before the hook up and since that didn’t help stop the fall I don’t know. I’m still going to therapy and I’m suppose to be keeping a journal... I’ve not been so I’ve not been posting on here either because I don’t even want to examine my thoughts and feelings myself, much less share them with anyone else... but I told my therapist today I was doing it so I’ve gotta start (I mean I’ve been doing a bit just not enough really). She seems encouraged that I am going to see progress soon and I’m just feeling completely broke honestly. I’m being open in therapy so I guess that’s what makes her think things are gonna move forward. At the moment I’d rather stay in my room, in bed with the tv on and never have to face anyone. Getting up and doing anything is so hard but I have to go threw the motions of answer the questions... it’s a ramble I know...

 

I’ve come back to this thread several times in the couple weeks to post and have just been unable to. I’d typed it out and just never share. I won’t lie, I’ve been very discouraged here lately. I feel ridiculous saying it but I do tend to take things to heart, I over analyze my actions and others, etc. My therapist has pointed out this with a list of things I log that is part of my journaling. Cognitive distortions, had to look at the list again, I guess I sound completely crazy...

So here we are, and I’m questioning why I started this thread. Actually wondering why I’ve shared any of the information I’ve shared in any of the threads. It really started bothering me because of something I’ve posted somewhere else... and now I’m just regretting it all. I’m still struggling and right now just feel extremely exposed emotionally and don’t like that all... I hope this feeling passes, but won’t make any big decision till after my next therapy session. Wednesday just can’t get here quick enough...

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I appreciate all the replies and the feedback. I don’t want anyone to think it’s gone wasted or unnoticed it hasn’t. I really am thankful for all of you guys.

@Mirko I am sorry for not replying to your post directly yet. When I came to do that I encountered an unexpected situation. I am continuing to journal best I can. I’m not happy about it as it bringing stuff up I’d rather not. I mean surely we can sort this out with out all of that, I know I can’t but wish I could. As for the causal hook ups, generally they are great experiences for me. I’d say nearly all have been. The only time I have problems is when the reason for the hook up isn’t just... a hook up. I knew better and shouldn’t have. I’ll wait to get my feet back on the ground before I put my legs back in the air hahahaha I couldn’t help that it was just sitting there lol anyway thanks for the feed back.

Smurf... thanks for being straight forward and honest. You have been great through this and your support/advice has been amazing. My therapist sees through my performance and has called me out every session since I asked her to hold me accountable. Not the best move lol. I am use to performing every day it’s hard to turn it off.

 

I’m stuck on repeat I’m afraid and I know everyone is over it... god knows I am. This idea of being vulnerable sounded good on paper but in reality I’m kinda back to hating myself more... I’ve already hit on that in another thread.

I’m not sure I’ve even let the walls down for me... and now doing it a bit I am just a mess. I was watching Queer Eye (rewatching it) and they said something that stuck out to me. I’ll paraphrase it... basically that if you don’t let yourself be vulnerable you may be numbing the hurt and all but you’re also numbing the good emotions. It really stuck out to me because the happiest time of my life was the moment I said I was gay. I let that wall down and for 15 minutes I felt our joy... like I’d never felt. Then reality hit and it was over.

@Mirko you said that being vulnerable gives the chance to work on things, and to heal... I believe this is true, I have to. But my fear is that, while what happened in my past is definitely not the worst things that have happened I know and I hate complaining, the damage that was done and I done tormenting my self about it is something that will never heal. Not just the abuse stuff but everything... So am I just spinning my wheels? That’s what it feels like every time I think I’m moving I sink further (if you’ve ever bogged down you get it). My therapist did say things may get more difficult but that we will get through this and I’ll be better on the other side. I trust her, I am trying to be patient with the process, one day I hope I can believe in myself...

 

So I’m dividing today’s therapy between two threads. I don’t know why I even started the other but I did. It was a really horrible/great session. Today’s the first day I actually cried. I tried not to but still did. I refused to use the tissue and would not let the tears get to my cheeks but they breached. This is odd but it was a relief. I hate crying in front of anyone with anything to do about my own personal life/emotions. I’m not sure she’s actually ever even seen tears come out... I’m sure she hasn’t because at the end of the session she made a comment about the “big step in letting the wall down today.” I’m not sure it was that big but it was definitely progress which I desperately needed.

I will say I feel like today was the most profess I’ve had in a session... ever! We covered a topic I’ve avoided like the plague but somehow I still left feeling so much better. Not that it matters but the details of the content of therapy will be my other thread Guilt... since was really all about that.