Open marriage question

How terrible! So thankful that your boyfriend was unhurt. It shook both him and you up. The hidden nature of your relationship is both a blessing and a curse. Perhaps, as more bi people come out, people will both understand and accept bi relationships. In this day and age I am surprised that bi relationships are so invisible. My friend, since your wife is accepting of your bf, why not make it publically known? Would the repercussions be so horrible? Your boyfriend is clearly dear to you and this secrecy can cause anguish. Perhaps you, your wife and boyfriend might want to consider revealing it?

 

I understand regarding the family dynamic. But as for your married, middle age friends, I would just say that you should live your life for yourself, not for them. I tried for decades to please loads of people living a false life. If your married friends find out and are shocked, who cares? Let them deal with it my friend. You have already have a beautiful life without them! ☺

 

I really hope he s ok after the accident
This is going to sound strange but why is it uncomfortable for you to keep your life private? it works for you and your position and if that is that who cares about makingit public? the problem is that your situation might be a little too unconventional for others and might invite unwanted attention and opinions, live your life the way you want it and privately. Go see your boyfriend and make sure the poor guy is ok, other people knowing wont make it any better.
I ve been in a relationship with my SO for three years and because of the traditional country i live in, except for my sisters and really close friends, to the world we re roomates and besties

 

Nickw,

I just went to a birthday party for a long time gay Latin friend of my ex boyfriend (my ex and I are still good friends). His friend just turned 50, is married, has two kids. He has an open relationship with his wife and no one hides it. His entire family and extended family were at the party as were both his gay and straight friends.

I was taken aback by how open everyone at the party was about the situation and how no one seemed to have any issues. It’s been some time since he came out and so everyone has had time to digest it, and clearly they have.

Just food for thought.

 

Putting aside all the discussion about age gap relationships and what works or doesn’t, you should not care what other people think if it works for you. Live your life for how its best suited.

 

With all of the posts I have read, you seem like you have a lot of confidence and are very self aware. Maybe its time to use it to take the next step on your journey?

I was working out at the gym yesterday and today. I have a new trainer working out with me. He is a classic masculine straight gym rat type of guy. He started talking about his girlfriend and I started talking about my ex. He was shocked to hear I was gay and seemed taken aback. I didn’t blink and eye and kept the discussion going, although I did notice his reaction. Today he trained me like he had no reaction and our discussion continued where it left off.

 

There is a huge community who has the same arrangement as you, but like you keep it all a secret.

I don't think there is a right answer, but I do think its harder for lgbt people to answer since its just like another coming out experience. So we know what we "should do" and what we have already been able to do. But at least I hope it also shows just how much safer it feels to be lgbt than another lifestyle that most people, even lgbt people, don't get.

Even on EC there have been some nasty threads about our relationships. It fucking sucks and its exhausting.

I personally have let my closest friends know and wherever I have a leadership role in LGBT orgs I make it my mission to let other people know that I'm poly. I then get sooo many people pull me to the side to confine in me that they are also poly, but they don't want anyone else to know.

I'm in the closet about it all to work, family and anyone that I might not know well.

My husband is also not poly, so I don't have a relationship like you sadly. It makes it easier for since for some reason people are more willing to understand and open relationship than someone being able to love two people at the same time. So fucking weird.

Again, I think its completely up to you and you taking care of yourself is not a bad thing.

If you ever come out about it all, then go you. Not only will you be able to breath more freely, but you will also show other people that there are other options other than monogamy. Some people wish they had what you do, but never knew it was an option.

Do what feels right for you three. Check in on each other, take care of your love ones, and try not to be "perfect" about this whole thing.

 

Yep.

And this is a wild guess, but if you are as classist as I am then connecting to the poly community can be a challenge.

Most people who are open about their alternative lifestyle (whatever that is) have always been people who have less to lose by being out which us usually people with lower means. It was true for lgbt people and its true for poly people.

Its been an interesting process for me as I'm trying to consciously challenge my classism, but its a constant battle. Still, it has stopped me from fully embracing the poly community.

The online resources are fucking great though. They have constructed some amazing tools to keep these relationships healthy in the longterm. Some poly people have even figured out how to raise kids as a polycule. Blows my damn mind.

This is what people are scared of from poly people.

It blows up how we view freindships, marriages, and relationships as a whole. It disrupts a whole understanding of things and leaves people feeling scared. That's why the backlash is so fucking harsh.

Shine that light. That's why I have always appreciated your candor on EC. So other people can get a glimpse of the many options that are out there for them.

Thank you for sharing your story here

 

Smurf, I think I need to challenge you on this point. I can’t imagine there are any statistics here, but I have come across many people living alternative lifestyles within a white collar or in a high socioeconomic demographic. Maybe it’s ibecause I have lived in larger more progressive cities that don’t bat an eye at this stuff, but it’s what I have seen.

 

I'm not saying that only people in lower socioeconomic places have alternative lifestyles, but that they are usually the most vocal of them all. They are usually the ones that will create communities, literature, resources and the like.

People with means while they are young are usually not open about all of that because there is too much too lose. One of the best and recent examples is Stonewall. Stonewall riot happened in a bar that was for the outcasts of the gay community; trans people, people of color, poor people, feminine guys, prostitutes and the like. The bar was owned by the mafia and it was the place to hang out for the people who were kicked out of the other bars for whiter and more affluent audience.

The same thing has happened over and over again in every single marginalized community. Its not a rule though, just an observation from the history that I have read about social movements.

Girl, when don't you like a a good debate haha love ya

I am curious though. Are those people in your circles in the trenches of those communities and openly advocating for them? Because if so that is rare. Usually people who have open relationships will have them, some openly, but most don't go out of their way to create community and to make it more acceptable to have them. They aren't activists for a cause.

What I was saying is that the people who are creating the poly community, educating the masses, organizing the conferences, etc are usually people in lower socioeconomic backgrounds or people whose careers allow for openly alternative lifestyles.

I myself aren't out and I don't push for the polyamory movement as a whole other than online. There is too much too risk and my family can barely handle the gay thing and they think we are monogamous. Can you imagine if they knew our whole lifestyle? no way.

I guess this is some of my point. People do it all the time while they are poor and young. I have met people who have been in a triad since they were 23 and funny enough polyamory makes finances easier since you can share rent with 3 people instead of 2 haha

One of the reasons I would love a triad is to make everything cheaper. Vacations, mortgage, retirement. Phew lol

 

I think there are more now than you might perceive. Especially those on similar journeys and time paths as mine. And when they embrace themselves later in life, they have the means to support the causes and help push for further activism. Doing so out in the open, not behind closed doors. Just spend a week down in Fort Lauderdale, its open and abundant. Yet again, as I said previously, this is a very liberal/progressive community so what goes on here (or London where I was previously), may not be the norm.

 

Always!!!!!