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35, married, kids, mortgage, gay....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by B4rt0n, May 21, 2019.

  1. B4rt0n

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    I'll try to keep this simple, it probably is simple compared to things others have experienced.

    I've always questioned my sexuality and put myself in the 'bi' category before I met my wife 18 years ago. We married, had kids, settled down and created a great life for ourselves although I always had this nagging issue around sexuality and me and my wife hadn't ever fully connected in the bedroom, as everything else was so good I put it to the back of mind (not that this was easy).

    About 18 months ago my wife told me she had recently realised she was bisexual too and that was the start of an amazing 12 months of exploration, dipping our toes in lgbt culture and finally being totally honest with each other both mentally and sexually. I had never been as happy but about 6 months it started to fizzle out, I think it was becoming more and more obvious we both had itches we couldn't scratch for each other.

    For about 2 months I was having crazy dreams, anxiety, phases of panic etc and I knew 2 things, I was gay and I needed to be honest about it, with myself, my family and my friends. The lie was killing me.

    Last week I finally came out to my wife, it hurt us both but we both knew it was coming, we told a few friends and honestly, I've never felt such relief.

    But now I'm getting into the reality of it, my intimate relationship with my wife is over as much as we still love each other and will remain friends.

    We are tied together for at least 2 years until our debts are paid and we can buy a second home for me to live in and have the kids over in.

    As much as I have her unquestioning support and we have a plan to make the transition as easy as possible I feel totally lost. I have no gay friends, I cant express my new identity as I don't have space at home and I respect my wife too much to rub her face in it.

    I also think my homophobic upbringing has left its mark, I'm massively ashamed with myself and years of living in a homophobic environment has left me feeling uncomfortable with the idea of having emotions towards men.

    I know I need to make friends in the community, to accept my new reality and make peace with it but I don't know where to start.

    I also love my wife with everything I have, I closeted myself to make my life easier but also couldn't stand to hurt her.

    I'm a 35 year old 'hetro' bloke with hetro interests, where do I find new friends in a backwater UK town like huddersfield, it doesn't even have a gay bar?

    Has anyone been through something similar and found peace at the end?

    Just feels I've replaced the pain of the closet with the pain of losing my wife, family and lifestyle.
     
    FooFight54 and Dionysios like this.
  2. JonathanW

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    Hi, I’m Jonathan, 39. I’m practically in the same spot, but just a fase before you - as I haven’t come out to my wife. Dreading it big time. I feel life is crumbling around me the more I try to ignore my feelings. I’m afraid the pro’s of coming out can’t weigh out the cons. Afraid of losing control of my life.
    I’m also a ‘hetro’ guy, meaning I personally can’t relate to any feminine guys and to pride parades. Just craving to hug a guy and be intimate with him like I can’t with my wife, to fall in love like I haven’t yet in my heterosexual life. When did did you actually say out loud to yourself you are gay?
     
  3. Poofter

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    I have been in a similar situation. My homophobic upbringing led me to staying closeted and having two failed marriages as a result. My second ending on good terms and she is still my best friend much like you. I can out to her and we stayed the course for 7 years. Slowly paying off things and working towards having our own separate lives.

    I have six children between the two marriages, while I truly loved my second wife and didn’t want to hurt her I hit a point where I couldn’t keep it from her anymore. I never connected sexually with a woman. No matter how hard I tried.

    I am not out to my parents but I’m out to everyone else. There is light at the end of the tunnel. As you move into living who you were meant to be, life becomes enjoyable and all that shame from upbringing will eventually fall by the wayside as you come to terms with who you are. Not everyone will like the way you live. But it’s your life and not theirs, you should live it to your full potential and make it the happiest it can be!
     
  4. Poofter

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    Also should mention. There are guys in the community that don’t fit the gay stereotypes. I am one of them. In coming out I didn’t change the way I dress or act. I’m still me but happier doing it. Most people refer to me as a bear because I have facial hair and dress like a 40 y/o redneck.
     
  5. Rade

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    Hello to both the above guys.......
    Well your both on journeys. I previously lived a very hetro life. I was with my ex wife 20 yrs and I'm 43. I came out at 42 and 40 seems to be the Cross roads. Guys have the house, car, job and children but something is still missing.

    I live in the UK and joined some local groups and meetup groups, these are generally for socializing and not dating so I think I can mention that without getting into trouble. I now run my own group through Facebook. Going to my first ever meet was terrifying and that was only last September. I moved out in November and have my three children regularly.

    You don't have to be feminine to be gay. Your probably still gay. I was very masculine and still am. The gay spectrum is big like any other spectrum. But I'm slowly ajustiing, planning my first pride, got a thing for hats at the moment and black k nail varnish, which I haven't done yet.

    I felt so repressed for years with low confidence. I have my first beard at 43 in my life. I go running and lift weights! You build a new life. I wet shave now and try new beard styles. I feel totally impowered.

    I will admit I had 12 sessions of counselling which turned my life around. And yes I still feel guilty about what I put my ex wife through, and that will stay with me for a long time.

    You can both do this but give yourself time and plan ahead, the worst thing for me was financially running my own flat with one wage and not two good wages isn't easy. And I pay child maintenance and others bits for my kids. But my authentic life is so worth having.

    The grass isn't greener but it's different. The first few months were hard, living alone after 20 yrs but I've come through it now. Had awful nightmares and hardly slept but it has past.

    You will change for sure. I try clothes on, Like my clothes fitted. I now realise I looked a baggy mess for years, you will develop a style. My ex dumped all my clothes when I left. Well I gave half to charity, lived out of suitcases for two months, but had great fun trying new stuff on.

    I met a couple guys,had some fun, had to go to the std clinic and get tested but it didn't bother me, yes I was stupid and got carried away but I've learned to use condoms.

    I had to learn the sexual terminology, tops/bottoms/rimming/water sports, I literally hadn't got a clue.

    My children have adapted, I see them 3 or 4 times a per week,o part of this they stay a day and night at the weekend. Im dad but when the kids go home I'm gay Jon and that suits me just fine.

    So many people notice a difference in me, I'm so much more relaxed and happy. I just become this happy gay guy.

    You can do this but like I said plan ahead.

    Wishing you both luck and if you have any questions please shout,

    Jon x x
     
  6. B4rt0n

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    Last week but I've said it many times since.

    Coming out has been a rollercoaster, I go from crisis to absolute highs.

    I finally came out to the rest of my friends last night and they were so supportive which I didn't expect so apart from my parents, everyone a care about but my parents now know. Not looking forward to that one as my mum has very strong views on gays.

    The further I follow the path the more positive I feel about it, such an empowering experience, what was I so scared of??

    The only pain I feel now is for my wife, I love her so much and would have done anything to not be gay for her although the more I come out the more I'm starting to feel pride in my sexuality, i think I'll be ok being gay.

    It has made me realise how hard on myself i was and just how much damage i and some of my friends did to my mental state, i tried to do this when I was young and the response was awful.

    Thanks for the replys guys, it's great to know your not alone.
     
  7. Rade

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    I remember walking by a busy road last year and I shouted out I'm gay, I'm gay. People could hear me it was summer and everyone had their windows open.

    The problem 15 months on from coming out, the guilt. I feel guilty for hurting my ex wife and being dishonest. She didn't deserve that.

    And my eldest daughter, nearly 14 is really struggling with me leaving six months ago etc.

    The rollocoaster phrase, I previously used that a lot.

    It's hard, but life goes on.

    Jon
     
    #7 Rade, May 22, 2019
    Last edited: May 22, 2019
  8. Dionysios

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    I can so relate to what you are going through. I was married for 32 years. I also have a religious background (I was a priest). Last year I finally put aside all those nasty feelings of guilt, shame and sin. I accepted the fact that I was gay and that this was how God made me. I came out to my wife and we are now legally separated and will divorce next year. I did feel guilty for dashing her future dreams and for pouring cold water on her happy memories of our life together.

    However I don't feel guilty anymore. Why should I? I gave her 32 wonderful years! I never cheated on her and provided for her and our son. I am giving her a generous part of my pension, we split our assets and she is financially comfortable. She now has the opportunity to find a man who will love her as she deserves. My wife and I hope to remain friends. My son loves us both and is accepting of my new lifestyle. Why should I reproach myself? I did my best as a husband and father. Now I deserve a chance to live my life openly as the gay man I always was.

    My friend, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. You can still have a wonderful relationship with your children and have an amicable relationship with your wife. Now is your chance to begin living your new and more authentic life. I would suggest you begin checking out LGBT Meetup groups in your area. It's important to begin connecting with other gay guys like yourself through social encounters. You need new friends for your new life. Take your time. It will get better for you. I daresay that in a year's time, your life will be so much more happier and fulfilling. *smile*
     
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