Bisexual or Gay? Is my anxiety/depression confusing me?

Welcome to EC! This is a great supportive community for all people in all different places in understanding and embracing their sexuality. I know it has helped me, both posting and reading about others' questions, confusions, and successes. This is a terrific resource.

While I've never been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder or depression, I do know from personal experience that being anxious and depressed makes it incredibly hard to unravel these other feelings and to properly make sense of them. All of these other pressures (whether linked or not - it is even hard to unpack if they're linked when lost in this fog) create so much white noise that (for me, at least) they all turn into a flurry of circular arguments. And then that negative feedback loop feeds those insecurities and low self-esteem. Again, only speaking from personal experience (I'm not a professional) I had to clear away the white noise to truly understand my sexuality.

I know where I live, there is a health centre in the gay village that has various services specifically designed to assist members of the LGBT community, including therapy to address anxiety and depression. So, don't think that you are alone in this. And maybe there is something similar where you live?​

Are there any LGBT groups where you are? These can also be a tremendous help. They don't help in assigning a label (bi vs. gay, etc.), but rather helping you to untangle some of these things so that you can figure out who you are and what skin you are living in. Members of a group might be able to suggest a good therapist to help you work through some of this confusion and self-doubt.

You are asking some good and important questions. I'm sure you'll find the answers.

 

Oh man, if I could go back about 15 years and realize how attractive I was, I would do it in a heartbeat! I literally used to think I wasn't worthy of anything and not attractive enough. I kept trying to make myself more and more attractive hoping that people would "notice" me. Now I look back at old pictures and I'm like "wow, I was really attractive!" and it's really sad I couldn't see it in myself. Since then I've gained a ton of self esteem and wear sweatpants and tshirts all day and no makeup and feel great about myself. Getting old is weird.

Anyway... If you are attracted to someone, see where it goes. For me, I realized I was a lesbian because I just cared more about women that I dated. I couldn't wait to hang out with them. With men, I was finding myself working late instead of hanging out with them because I honestly just didn't care. I liked them just fine but I didn't have the same feeling of desire to see them. Even with female friends I would be way more emotional if we got in an argument and it would bother me but with male friends...eh. On the flip side, knowing I was gay helped me understand why my straight friends ditched me to hang out with their boyfriends all the time. I was like "oh, they like men the way I like women, got it". So I do understand to an extent why knowing what your sexual orientation is can be important.

One theory I have is that when we are attracted to people, we will go out of our comfort zone for them (within reason) or at least go out of our way to do things that aren't super convenient for us. For example, a female coworker and I hooked up. I asked her if she wanted to go bowling. She said that she hated bowling and it messed up her nails and she wasn't good at it. Anyway, she dated this guy we worked with shortly after and she was more than happy to go bowling with him and pretty much exclusively dates men. So far my theory is 100% accurate.

In summary, I would say just pay attention to how you feel around and about different people.

 

Hello! I was in your situation for a number of years before concluding that I’m lesbian. I also have anxiety, and suppressing my sexuality was part of it (among other things, but for a long time what I thought I was supposed to feel and was actually feeling didn’t align and I felt a weird and out of place with myself, it’s hard to explain).

I only had relationships with guys, but I was always drunk when I saw them, and when I saw them sober I didn’t feel anything for them. It was a weird few years and it wasn’t until I watched a show called Sugar Rush (while sitting with my last boyfriend haha) that I realised that I did indeed fancy women.

I could have banter with guys but no one made my heart race the way women do. I never understood the way my friends gushed over boybands or actors. I remember when X-Files was first showing and my friends fancied Mulder but I was fascinated by Scully. For a long time I thought I wasn’t capable of feeling attractions to anyone and had to be drunk to have sex with boyfriends which really should’ve raised red flags.

My anxiety somewhat lessened when I realised I was gay, it’s weird how although you’re thinking sh*ty thoughts about another subject that something else is burrowing away at you.

Anyway, sorry, I ramble a lot. If you’re comfortable and openly identifying as bisexual then that’s great, go with the flow and see where your heart takes you. Your sexuality isn’t necessarily set in stone if you don’t want it to be, and the important thing is not to feel like you have to pick a side or force a feeling that’s not there.

And don’t put yourself down for not feeling good enough for a man. Anyone worth your time will be good and kind to you. My anxiety has me telling myself I’m not good enough compared to a select group of people, and I tried to identify what it was about them that made me feel insecure, and then worked from there (I’m 38 and look ridiculously young for my age and am often spoken to like a child by women my age or younger, and I beat myself up for not being a ‘proper adult’ and feel I have to prove myself because I still have a baby face. Stupid, I know, but it’s very real to me)

Anyway, I wish you well in your journey

 

It’s uncanny how much your situation is similar to my own, except I’ve ID as heterosexual but have considered the prospect of being bisexual for a while now on and off. Kinda always dismissed my feelings for women as “just straight” girl crushes and nothing serious. Anyways, I’m questioning my attraction (or lack of attraction?) towards men now too. The idea of sex with a man and being in a romantic relationship makes me feel so nervous, afraid even. Not pleasant eager buzzing. Pure dread. Whereas when I think about being intimate with a woman I feel playful curiosity, and a sense of ease.. Though I can feel nervous too about the prospect of rampant societal homophobia that sadly exists in this world that would result if I did date a woman.

In a nutshell, I’m confused too and sadly don’t have your answers either. But I wanted you to know that you’re not alone. Have you had any more realisations? I hope you find peace and clarity soon