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Reflections on self-acceptance

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 1cgd, May 19, 2019.

  1. 1cgd

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    As I lie here next to my sleeping boyfriend after another fun, amazing weekend connecting and falling more deeply in love with him, I’m thinking not only about how right and perfect his hair smells and how his stubbled face and warm sleeping sighs feel on my chest, but how far I’ve come in the least year or so. Just looking at this gorgeous man says it all.

    For my first 30-some years since puberty, I lusted over men and all the hot things I wanted to do to them, but denied the obvious signs about my sexuality and lived my life dating women and eventually marrying and building a family with one.

    In the last 10 years, those fantasies opened to the thought of kissing men, and in the last 5 or so, to the thought of falling in love with one, as I now have. Those fantasies became more intense as my mind opened, and my acceptance and revelation as a gay man grew stronger. I can now love without secrets or deceit and without forcing upon myself and my partner what I perceive a relationship should be like.

    As a result, kisses hello & goodbye are natural and instinctive, and how those kisses escalate into other stuff... happens so smoothly. Sitting close on the couch during a movie just happens. Simple things like talking about my day flow off my tongue. I’m more decisive at home and work. I can change my clothes, stand naked while taking to him, and text my honest thoughts about how I still smell him on my skin and the things I’m thinking about doing with him and how I can’t get up from my desk because of it, all without any of the awkwardness I felt in my straight relationships.

    This relationship is just a few months old and we have a lot more to get to know about each other. I have no idea if it will end in heartbreak or marriage, but I’m now 1000% sure that I’m 10000% gay and I can’t wait to see where the rest of this journey takes me. ️‍
     
    #1 1cgd, May 19, 2019
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
  2. Adz6

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    Wow 1cgd
    This is the second story today that I have read here on EC that has brought a smile to my face.
    I visit this forum daily ,and i find it is a safe place for me, I feel I belong here, reading these positive stories helps me along on my journey
    Congratulations
     
    1cgd and Drizzle like this.
  3. ERS2016

    ERS2016 Guest

    It really is inspiring to hear stories like that. I’m not as far up the road in terms of self-acceptance but I am getting close to maybe finally being able to act on what I’ve tried to fight for so long. I still struggle with shame and I am fearful about whether I will be able to deal with it after I’ve taken this step and to hear you describe how natural and right it all feels is a big help.

    You mention how much more decisive it has made you and describe how comfortable it all is resonates with me. As the struggle to accept that I am gay has become a bigger and bigger part of my life I have personally struggled massively with confidence and just felt increasingly uncomfortable and uncertain in many aspects of my life. The struggle has gone from a small part of me to taking over my life in recent years.

    Thanks for sharing this and good luck for the future, it sounds like you’ve taken a life-changing step that is right for you and I’m sure it has been a very difficult path for you. Keep enjoying being you.
     
    1cgd, shybiguyuk and Gayhusband like this.
  4. Questions93

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    This brings me so much hope! Thank you for sharing with all of us. I'm sure there's more than just me who will read that and think maybe someday that can be me too.

    Congrats!
     
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  5. out2019

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    I know this thread is a little old but your post was so inspiring..it makes me want to come out fully so bad!

    I definitely feel like I have taken this trajectory since coming to Empty Closets. Even imagining just a simple kiss with a man feels 100x more passionate and natural than trying (notice I have to 'try' ) to fantasize about women..

    I dream of the day I can have certainty.
     
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  6. Contented

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    [QUOTE="1cgd, post: 6666941,
    I’m now 1000% sure that I’m 10000% gay and I can’t wait to see where the rest of this journey takes me. ️‍[/QUOTE]
    I know this great feeling of certainty. Of knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that your finally totally unequivocally forever gay.i love the feeling of being so totally over compulsory heterosexuality and in my case toxic masculinity and living an openly gay life that only a few years ago seemed a dream. I am so much a better happier successful person as a gay man.
     
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