Hi everyone. Until around 12 months ago I didn't really consider myself gay, but I came out to my wife as bisexual. It was corny, we were watching lesbian porn together and my wife joked she was probably lesbian. After my confession she wasn't upset at all. I had some short-term relationships with men in my 20s and I told her about all this and how much I missed the feeling. She has encouraged me to pursue a safe relationship with a man. (I have to admit that we have an open relationship.) What an incredibly tempting idea! The first time it was a wonderful experience that made me look for repetitions. I had (safe) sex with several men. I started to realize that I was probably gay. I began to lose interest in sex with a woman. I watch gay porn pretty much exclusively and my heart longs for a long-term relationship with a man. My wife's cousin is gay and he had a wedding last week. I wanted to be in his place and marrying a man. I want to stop it. My wife is great, kind and liberal woman, she doesn't deserve this. Please don't judge me. Dan, Germany (so let's be be tolerant for my English, thank you.
It sounds to me as though your wife is very open to the prospect of you being gay, not to mention her being lesbian or bisexual. What makes you think it would hurt her? You two might both be in the same situation, and having a best friend to share experiences with might be a great gift. I'm a little jealous, actually!
Hi, Dan! Welcome to Empty Closets! One thing I learned pretty quickly after being in this forum (and lurking before signing up) is that this is a safe space to ask these questions and that there is no judgement. You aren't alone here, and you'll find a lot of allies and cheerleaders. Your wife certainly sounds like a very kind, open, and compassionate person. From what you describe, she has been very supportive in you being able to come out and explore who you are. Because of this, I feel that you need to have an honest conversation with her. And also from how you describe her, I'm guessing that she will be understanding and sympathetic. In fact, she may already have a sense of where you are. If you have no real issues with the relationship with your marriage, I believe that it is important for you to tell her that as part of the conversation - that the way you feel has nothing to do with dissatisfaction in your marriage. She will need to understand that you aren't drifting away because of anything she did. My spouse is very kind, liberal, and supportive, as well. I've had very different sorts of conversations with her than what you are looking at having. But I feel very fortunate that she is enlightened enough to be encouraging and that she has made (what could have been) a painful situation into a very liberating and positive experience. And I may be projecting my spouse's attitudes and behaviour, but I can't help but feel the same sort of support would be there for you. How do you think she would respond? What do you think she is feeling?
+1 It sounds like your wife may be more accepting of you than you allow for yourself. I think you should go with the flow. You can never truly know her thoughts: over time, actions will speak louder than words. Accept her love and acceptance: if she's like my wife, she actually embraces it as her way into my deepest heart. Plus, it kind of turns her on
Some background information: I come from a non-religious family, but my father was the big macho tough guy. When I was a teenager, he began to worry that I was "effeminate" too much. I do not know why, may that be the reaction of people who themselves have these desires, but he started talk about how fags are disgusting. Not often, but sometimes. I didn't realize until I was fifteen that it was my feelings for guys are more special and even then I was sure I could control it. It was very secret, I didn't tell anyone. I definitely wanted to be normal, to have a wife and children. My wife, on the other hand, comes from a religious protestant family, but much more progressive. In this Protestant church, gay couples were married years before the state recognized same-sex marriage. They even have LGBTQ pastors. This is also the thing that my wife strongly supports. Therefore, she was really understanding, when I came out as a bisexual. The problem is that I feel more and more gay. My sexual desire for women is declining. Maybe it's a temporary thing, because now I can discover my sexuality with men, it is new and exciting for me, no stereotype. But I'm afraid I will soon fall in love with a man. I feel the need for long-term, loving relationship with a man. Also when I see my wife's cousin. He is openly gay, married to a man of his life, even planning for children. That was unimaginable in my 20s. I appreciate my wife, I love her, but I feel like I'm getting away from her by embracing my gayness. That's why I want to quit it.
