I feel more comfortable lately saying "hey, I'm a little bit gay!" but I have moments when I doubt myself. Am I making this all up in my head? This, despite me currently having this huuuuuuuuuuuge crush on a friend of mine (don't know how she feels about me!) Am I weird for doubting myself, and wondering if I'm not just delusional? I did, after all, marry a man, and have always had relationships with men (but lots and lots of fantasies/crushes on women, my whole life, and when I was 11 I told my mom that I thought I liked girls!) Sex with dudes was not bad, but I guess I have to admit that oftentimes, during it, I would always fantasize about being with a woman (duh!) I just never thought this had anything to do with being gay! (what kind of dummy am I, anyway?) I always noticed girls a lot more than I noticed guys (I kind of think guys all look the same? When I'm watching a chick flick I can't often keep the characters straight- all the guys look similar!) I started only dating asian guys in my 20s....I thought they were my "type" but maybe that's just because some asian guys can be (not all of course!) a lot more feminine than the real macho dude. But really, I ALWAYS noticed girls (my ex and I even checked out girls together...he thought I was just being nice!), I especially like girls with light coloured hair....sooo....should I even doubt myself because of my prior relationships (and the fact that the sex wasn't terrible?) Do all these things make me seem not entirely straight? I'd like to label myself as SOMETHING....but it seems like human sexuality is pretty complicated! Confused!!!!
I think if you were able to take a step back and read your post with our eyes the answer would stand out a lot more. To try to help you, I'm going to pull out a few things: Does all of this make you "not entirely straight"? Well, I make it five confirmatory comments in a post of three paragraphs and you placed huge emphasis on the word always in that last comment that I quoted back at you. I don't know anything of your background or upbringing and I can't say why you chose to go against your instinctive attraction for the same sex, that seems to have been apparent from 11 years old. I would guess there were family, cultural or societal influences that led you to follow a different path. What do you think? All of these things can act as pull factors that build up layers of repression and denial. How did your mom react when you told her that you liked girls? Was she supportive and accepting or did she brush it off or try to dissuade you in some way? Even if she wasn't overtly critical, her reaction could have been significant at that time. Have a think about it and write some more, if you can.
@PatrickUK Yes! I know!!!! After I read all those things I said, and all those things I've felt/thought my whole life, I can see it's totally obvious. Completely. Why did I not stick to my guns after age 11? Because it was too difficult to go against the grain? My mother, when I told her that I liked girls, she said "Ok" but the look in her eyes said otherwise. She just looked taken aback. Now I also remember that years later, my father said to me "We thought you might be gay" just out of nowhere (completely serious), and I remember being completely embarrassed and not wanting to talk about it. Kind of like I've been forever. Whenever people talk about lesbians, I always felt sooooo uncomfortable, like they could see through me and know how I felt. I had an epiphany a few weeks ago when I went to see some clients of mine- they casually mentioned their daughter's partner- who happened to be also female. I was shocked, mostly that they didn't make a big deal about it, they didn't seem embarrassed to tell me their daughter was gay, they just mentioned it so casually like it wasn't even an issue. I was amazed. And I started thinking....wait.....this is actually something people DO? They actually have open (not secret) relationships with someone of the same sex? My mind was blown (I've known quite a few gay guys, but honestly, I can't think of any lesbian couples, until very recently). In my mind, it's always been ok to be a gay male, but female, forget it. Why have I avoided this my whole life? Mostly I think because I'm a "go with the flow" type of person. Also, I hung out with a lot of fundamentalist Christians growing up (and went to church a lot). My parents didn't like that I went to church, not in the least. Also, when I was 28, I did break up with a long term boyfriend (with whom I'd had zero sexual interest in), and I actually did post a profile on ### for meeting girls (I did say platonic, but was thinking if I met someone who I really liked...well, you never know!)....but then didn't really meet anyone I clicked with other than friendship, and realized that I wanted to have a baby, and my husband entered the scene. So, there was that too. So all these things....and here I am today. Huge crush on a friend. Left my husband (he knows my "dirty little secret"- his words), and feeling like...wow...I can't believe this happened. I can't believe this is where I am. It's kind of exciting! Thank you for the advice!
I relate to soooo much of what you wrote. I also realized when I was 11 that I might like girls, although I never explicitly told anyone. There was even a rumor at school that I was a lesbian, and I came home crying about it one day and told my mom and she just looked through me, disapprovingly, like she knew the rumor might be true, even though I didn't know it yet. I was so mortified by all of it that I pushed it so far down that it took me another ten years to finally feel comfortable sorting through those feelings. My whole life, I've also felt really uncomfortable anytime anything having to do with lesbians came up in conversation. I always hated "I kissed a girl" by Katy Perry because it made me feel like everyone was looking at me to see how I would react. Similar feeling when I walked past the Victoria's Secret store in the mall with my friends. I felt so on display all the time, even though I would have sworn I was heterosexual and boy crazy. I totally know what you mean about wishing you had "sticked to your guns". Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to figure out now if we had just known that it was okay to have these feelings when we were growing up. Maybe it would have been easier to accept being attracted to girls if the little LGBT representation there is would focus a bit more on narratives other than those of gay men. I don't mean to rant, or make this thread about me, I just want you to know that your experience is more relatable than you might think, and I know where you're coming from. I've learned that it is so easy to just "go with the flow" and not question yourself too hard when you know the alternative means risking so much. It's far easier to assume that you're "normal", as you've been taught at every turn your whole life, than it is to be honest about who you are truly drawn to. We really cannot underestimate the extent to which heteronormativity affects how we see ourselves, and what it is that we want. I think the fact that you have admitted to having feelings for a friend, and have discussed them here, on an LGBT forum, is indicative that you are not a straight woman, especially when you have these past experiences of denial and repression. Doubting your same sex attractions, when they are clearly present, is a common manifestation of internalized homophobia in a lot of cases.
@Leah061 Thank you for the reply- I was interested to see you've had similar experiences! I always had in the back of my mind that I might be gay, but hey, I was dating guys, so all good, right? I also thought that this was something I would have figured out in teenage-hood- and if I didn't, that meant I definitely was not gay! So I got to age 20, and thought oh, well, guess I'm not gay after all- not realizing that you can actually deny it for years and years. Who knew? No kidding....you're posting on an LGBT forum, but you think you're completely straight? Um, probably not! Sometimes I have to check in with my straight friends who tell me things like "yeah, that's not straight"- like, I always thought it was straight to always have fantasies about girls while having sex with guys....now it turns out that's not exactly a straight thing to do (oops!) I feel so dumb. I feel like the whole world knows I'm gay, except me. I feel like my parents have always known (I used to write long essays about how being gay is not sinful! I once sent a letter to the radio station to support sex education in schools that said it was ok to be gay! I had a huge crush on a girl when I was 17, and my mom knew!) I told my best friend about this crush I have right now and she said "oh yeah...I remember that time you tried to make out with in the back of the car when we were 18!) Last year I did a race that was sponsored by the LGBT community, and I thought to myself "Well, maybe by this time next year you will have finally come out of the closet." Then I pushed those thoughts aside, kissed my husband and said to myself "Come out how? You're not gay!" But was I not? Am I not? This has been a pretty crazy year for me....having this huge crush, realizing I'm not exactly straight, leaving my husband....here's to a better future!
I did this same exact thing, except with All The Things She Said by TATU. Since the video featured a relationship between girls, I thought that liking the song would make me a lesbian, which was what everyone already thought I was anyway (in middle school). So I just turned the song off as soon as it came on. Totally helped.....
Only delusional people don't doubt themselves, or wonder if they're delusional. Beware the unquestioning! (Yeah, ironic isn't it?)
Hey doubting yourself is totally normal, I think when you get closer to accepting yourself and coming out etc sometimes it can also coincide with a stronger bout of questioning, almost like your subconscious mind wants to put up one more stronger fight before it is forced to give up on and let go of what once was your normal. Of course nobody can decide your sexuality for you but from what you have written you sound as thought at the very least you lean more towards girls. It's hard but I don't think you should worry I think it is all totally normal.
Ah yes. I understand this all too well. I too was enamored of gay men but never knew anyone who was gay and female so it was something I basically had no exposure to. Couple that with a misogynistic culture that hates women and feeling internal self-hatred and you get me, someone who literally couldn’t imagine liking women. Someone who despite being a boy crazy “straight” girl did not turn out to be straight. I will tell you in all honesty that I thought for sure I was the last person who wouldn’t be straight. But here I am.
