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Need the Company of People Who Understand

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, May 10, 2019.

  1. SevnButton

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    It's been 10 months now since coming out to my wife as bi. I've been mostly kind of standing back and allowing my wife to go through her stages while I support her as best I can.. At the same time I'm trying to maintain my own well-being too.

    I've become clear that I don't need to be intimate with anyone else, male or female, and I'm OK with that limitation as part of the package. But I do need to be in the company of people who understand me, and with whom I can speak freely. Problem is, my wife thinks that any talk of sexuality should be between her and me only. She's not even OK with me being on Empty Closets. It feels suffocating to follow her wishes on this. Your thoughts?
     
  2. LostJedi

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    Oh, man. I'm truly sorry that you are in that space. I can only imagine how distressing and depressing it must be at times.

    The thing is, if you lost a leg in a car accident, there would be an adjustment to who you are. You would probably need to meet with other amputees to discuss how you feel and how your life has changed, to both reaffirm your feelings and to hear some different perspectives on the challenges. It wouldn't make you likely to form a romantic relationship with another amputee, but it would form a necessary support group. At the same time, your spouse would probably feel the need to talk with others about it and how it has changed her life.

    I appreciate that I am over-simplifying what it means to be someone who has lost a limb, and I'm in no way trying to equate the sorrow of losing a limb with the emotions (relief, liberation, empowerment) that can be associated with coming out. However, what I am driving at (and what you obviously appreciate) is the need to reach out and talk to others who are like you. I think that is a natural and healthy desire. I don't know if presenting the amputee analogy would help. Maybe she would benefit from attending a PFLAG meeting or something similar before you go to a bi group, if only to give her a bit of reassurance.

    One of the first people I came out to was a woman I know who is not shy about being bisexual (regular Facebook posts and so on). I went out for lunch with her to talk about being bisexual. She and her husband have a polyamorous relationship, which is not something I'm interested in pursuing (it sounds too damn exhausting for my meagre energy stores!), but even though there were a number of things that don't apply, there were a number of common points that helped validate. The entire conversation was very helpful and affirming.

    I do have the benefit of a spouse who has quite a number of queer friends, and where she works, she went through a workshop series on being a queer ally in the workplace (so that she can provide a safe space for those who need it), so there was already a strong foundation there for her acceptance. Still, it took her a bit of time to work through this and some of the common misconceptions about bisexuals being naturally polyamorous and more inclined to cheat.

    I don't know if any of this helps. I feel kind of shitty that I can't offer the silver bullet. I'll be interested to read other responses.
     
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  3. Nickw

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    @SevnButton

    I have an online friend who has the same issue. It has been really hard on him. After a time he just had to just go attend a bisexual discussion group that meets every month. It was too much to bear this alone.

    I get this. Even though I now have an open marriage I still have an unfulfilled need to associate with other gay or bisexual men that are out to their wives and working on an MOM. On line just doesn't hack it.

    I have met with a couple guys like me and the conversations were so validating. There was not any temptation to hook up. It's so funny that our spouses (mine assumed this) jump to the fear that if we meet a guy with the same life experience we will want to have sex or that somehow meeting someone to chat will cause us to be more gay.

    In my case, it was the opposite. Meeting and chatting allowed me to move beyond fantasy to reality. It made my same sex desires less.

    I think what a lot of married people believe is that somehow there is an ownership of their spouse's sexuality. Who we have sex with is the ownership of the marriage. But, who we desire is not. Now, if we cannot desire our spouses, then that issue needs to be resolved. That won't change because you meet a guy to chat over a beer.

    My approach was to make a deal with my wife that part of the freedom to be around other gay guys (platonically) meant I would use that positive energy to work on our marriage.
     
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  4. Dionysios

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    My friend, you are paying a price which I would find too steep. What is the point of coming out to your wife if all you have is the old status quo? It seems suffocating to be compelled to not see people and be forbidden to talk about topics important to your sexuality. It sounds truly like a straightjacket.

    After I came out to my wife, within 3 days I had joined EC. My wife was okay with that, but asked me not to go to any gay socials or see anyone while we were still under the same roof. I didn't like the restrictions but agreed. Now we are legally separated, live apart and I am free to go the LGBT functions and do as I please.

    You have to decide if it is worth it to stay in your marriage and abide by wife's wishes. It seems quite restrictive. She may soften in time, but she may not. Those 6 months could stretch into 6 years. If you can live with all this, that' fine. But I would advise you to figure out what you want out of you life. Then form a plan and make it happen. Good luck!
     
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  5. DecentOne

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    I’m in the situation where I’m waiting for my wife to catch up. Your question makes sense, but then I read the straight spouse forum and see all the husbands and wives who feel so betrayed by the lack of honesty of their gay/bi spouse. I think about how important it is for me to be honest, and how I want our marriage to get to a good place. My wife is just too important to me, and my own sense of character too, so I had to reveal my discovery of being bi after figuring it out myself. In some ways it did exactly as I hoped — gave me a boost. In many ways it has been worse than I feared... because of my wife being so hurt by it. But I’d still do it all over again.

    This sounds so much like what I could be writing here. My wife does not want people to know, and freaks when I have told her about appropriate conversations (like with a doctor) about being bi. It has been a couple months longer than you. I have an advantage though... my work has taken me to this far-off place, and so I can go to LGBTQ spaces (and participate in a hobby with LGBTQ folks) without it irritating her. I need those interactions with LGBTQ folks to feel I’m incorporating this part of me into my wholeness. There is no rule that your wife or mine has to be ok with that, but we can be loving, honest, and explain again and again how it isn’t a threat and we love them, and this is good to be whole. Don’t suffocate.
     
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  6. Dionysios

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  7. Nickw

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    @Dionysios

    I guess I'm in both camps on this (haha no pun intended). When we marry we agree to remain married through life's challenges. Some of us really feel compelled to honor those vows regardless of the damage it may have on ourselves and, just as often, on our spouses. So, we struggle with making these marriages work even though it might cause us to give up a part of us. I know that if my wife were to tell me tomorrow that I could not see other LGBT people, or even communicate on line with them, I would do what she asked. But, I know that my marriage wouldn't, ultimately, survive this. At least not the sort of marriage I need. That is a marriage that allows me to be everything I need to be.

    So, I have this strange take that I understand how @SevnButton feels. That he struggles to appease his wife at his peril. But, I don't understand his wife's position that she does not feel that he should exercise any parts of his sexuality. It would seem so counter to everything I need from my wife. Freedom to be who I am so I can be who I am for her.

    So, to be blunt. I would have to ask what my wife would be contributing to the marriage. I get that a wife might be a mother and care for the kids and make a home and all that. But, isn't marriage also about what partners do for each other just for the sake of making their lives happier and as a result make ours happier? I understand that there are adjustment periods with something like a disclosure of sexuality. But, how much time can we allow?

    I'm not talking about straying from marriage vows and having intimacy outside of the marriage. That is a different subject in my view. I don't expect that most marriages would tolerate that sort of "happiness" for their spouses.
     
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  8. DecentOne

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    @Dionysios
    You are right, SevnButton should not have to play games, worry, or be restricted in being here or at LGBTQ spaces.

    Yes, it does seem more complicated when Bi and wanting the marriage to continue. I think it is harder for our spouses too. Nothing is clear cut.
     
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  9. DecentOne

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    SevnButton,
    I wish I could tell you my situation suddenly got better at the one year mark, or some time the wait is over. I honor how you are being kind and considerate to your wife. Don’t suffocate though. I know how much it means to me to be able to be connected to community, I wish the same for you. I’d probably be in the same exact place you are in if I was living at home... she lets me be connected when I’m away, but only when I’m away not when I’m back home. You are not alone in this challenge.
     
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  10. Nickw

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    Why does your wife restrict your activities when you are with her?

    My wife is not hot to have me out to our friends and, especially, to her family. She doesn't want people to "feel sorry for her". But, if I get caught she doesn't really care.
     
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  11. Dionysios

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    You my friend, are so fortunate to have such an understanding spouse, who supports and encourages you to be yourself. She is fine with you having a bf. Remarkable! I suspect that your situation is quite rare hiwever. But I am happy for you that you have such a full and fulfilling life! *smile*
     
  12. Nickw

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    I AM lucky! My wife is an incredible person. I have had the opportunity to explore the entire spectrum of my sexuality and I have to say that it has been incredibly fulfilling

    I've been reflecting on this a bit recently. I've been seeing my boyfriend for six months now. Our passion is amazing. But, I miss that with my wife.

    People change and our bodies and libidos change too. It would seem wrong that if my wife can no longer feel sexual desire that I should also spend my years not experiencing it. Yet, there is so much other caring and intimacy in our relationship.

    She gets this. But, I am not sure how she would feel if I stopped desiring her even if we don't do anything about it.
     
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  13. DecentOne

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    Hi Nickw, I’ll try to answer this in a way that it still supports SevnButton’s thread. Maybe some day I’ll summarize my journey with my wife in a separate thread. I love her and know she loves me, and...

    I think sometimes our spouses have their own stuff to work on. Maybe they witnessed infidelity wrecking the marriage of a favorite relative or friend’s family when they were young, and are worried about what an “out” bisexual might do. Maybe they need the solid anchor that their spouse provides, due to their emotional capacity or self esteem. Maybe it is wrapped up in heteronormative privilege, or social circle reputation, taking a little bit more bravery than they’ve ever had an example to guide them in this before. It is very clear my wife did not ask for this, did not see me as anything but straight, and needs extra time to adjust. Much as you’ve stated about your own wife not wanting people to feel sorry for her (“please don’t tell our friends or family”), my wife has said she wouldn’t want people talking to her about this, or about her. Much like SevnButton’s wife, my wife thinks sexuality (and so also sexual orientation) is something just between the husband and wife, no one else. So when I go home, to a place where it seems everyone knows us or is connected to someone who knows us, I can’t be out. We’ve been making progress on the telling of family, I’m glad of that.

    It is so different from what I suspect she would do if one of our kids came out — I’m guessing she’d have a bumper sticker showing support, and maybe even ending up leading the local PFLAG. But since it is her husband, no, not yet anyway.
     
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  14. MzMrAlexa

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    I think that with any relationship that we enter the truth is we do so hoping that as you and your partner go through life you stay on relatively parallel paths and grow together, but more often than not that ends up not being the case, and that holds true in so many ways and not just sexuality or gender.

    What it sounds like to me is that both you and your Wife have some difficult choices to have to make, and it's obvious that your discovering more about your own sexuality is causing a lot of stress for both of you (and that's not blaming you, we all have to evolve in our own way). The real questions that I feel you both have to ask yourself are First, can you and your wife live with this change in the long term and be happy? and Second (IMO) it sounds like you are just starting this Journey and if that is true where will you end up? Realistically if you have only recently discovered that you are Bi, the Normal progression would be to seek out others who are similar and at some point experience that fully. Now I'm not saying you will follow that path, but that urge will be there and likely get stronger with time, and there is a high likelihood that if you don't get to fulfill your inner desires eventually that will lead to resentment, and if you follow them it's obviously not a workable situation that would be be acceptable your Wife if it would come to pass.

    Definitely a tough situation to be in, and the odds are not good in the long term, but I hope you beat them! Just be sure to back up and look at things objectively from time to time as often when we get in intense stressful situations we can't see the forest for the trees and end up doing more damage to all parties involved because we're not willing to admit that something in our life no longer works (been guilty of that here on several occasions).
     
    #14 MzMrAlexa, May 11, 2019
    Last edited: May 11, 2019
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