1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Problems with a bully/"ex"

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kevin k, May 8, 2019.

  1. Kevin k

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2019
    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    Stewartville mn
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    A long, long time ago, (probably 3rd grade) I was young and confused, and I didn't know what "gay" meant. There was this other boy that I guess I was attracted to. My memory is a bit blurry about how it all came about, but somehow he agreed to show me his *ahem*. Like I said, I was young and confused. Basically, it ended with me and him being in a bathroom stall at school, I showed him mine but he didnt show me his. We never spoke about it again. Ever. Till recently, at least. He came up to me at school the other day in front of people and said "you showed me your dick in 3rd grade, Kevin, I know you're gay" everyone heard, now I just sit and watch the rumors spread like wildfire. How do I get this calmed down??
     
  2. johndeere3020

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,104
    Likes Received:
    426
    Location:
    Minnesota
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hey Kevin,
    I am going to throw out a couple of thoughts before I give you my advice.

    1. Thought from Dr. Heredia, my LGBT counselor and one of the coolest people I have ever met. If you ever think that you are in danger in a situation it is always best to walk away and not have conflict.

    2. I'm going to be 47 years old soon and I recently came out to two young people at work. Both responses were very positive. Both were 20 years old. One went to Lewiston High and the other to Chatfield. I asked if it mattered, could you be yourself these days or if it was like years ago where you had to hide. Their answers were as follows, Lewiston, didn't think it mattered, it was ok to be who you were. Chatfield was a little different until two girls started to date, it took a little while before everything became cool.

    3. My experience, I was never "out" but got labeled in the late 1980's in Chatfield. A couple of people tormented the hell out of me, most just left me alone. One was the kid that sat behind me every morning on Biology class. The Dean of Students told me if I ever beat the crap out of him he would look the other way. I never had the guts to follow through. I was angry about it for a long time but giving him a beating would have solved nothing. Besides now days I'm sure the cops would get involved.

    In the end everything will blow over, those that care about you won't give a damn. If your ready to be out there is one sure fire way to shut him up. "Yep I AM, does it matter, does anyone care?" His power will be gone for the truth sets us free! Chances are that he is questioning his own sexuality or it wouldn't matter to him. He is just giving you crap to make himself feel better. Remember, it doesn't matter if he is a jock, prep, stonner (maybe the terms are different now) or whatever, anyone can be LGBTQ.

    If your not ready to be out then you will have to weather the storm.

    I am going yo assume that your a junior in school? Your BF the same or about the same age? Who are you going to take to prom? I never went to a school dance or parties, ect. I would encourage to be yourself and make the most of your youth!

    Take Care, let us know your choice and how it went!
    Dean
     
  3. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    16,551
    Likes Received:
    4,750
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey, Kevin.

    Unfortunately, this sort of stuff spreads like wildfire in high schools, as gossip has high high value. So the only real practical solution may be to simply own it. In most parts of the country, people are reasonably accepting, and high schools are often the most accepting, as kids have grown up with LGBT people all around, in media, etc.

    The other nice benefit here is if you simply own it, then you take all the wind out of his sails. He can't threaten or embarrass you if you just take the approach of "Well, yup. So what?"

    Also, for what it's worth... a very, very high percentage of people who bully gay kids in high school are themselves deeply closeted gay guys themselves. I know quite a few folks who have gotten emails or FB messages years later from a bully apologizing and admitting they were gay. Not saying that's the case for this guy, or even if it were that it would change anything... but people who bully others always have some sort of deep self-esteem issue themselves, and derive their power from attempting to devalue others.

    You might also consider telling a teacher or guidance counselor if there's someone you trust.

    Keep us in the loop about this.
     
  4. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Agree with the above. My guess is you can just own it or say “does it matter either way?”

    The guy is not trustworthy. At some point the others in school will realize that he could violate any friendship or trust they give him. If he is bi or gay that’s gonna isolate him from anyone who might be available for a relationship (but maybe he wants that isolation). If he is straight the girls will figure out he’ll spread stuff about them, and stay away from him. If ever you decide you are going to be out, it would be a public service to your classmates to point those things out in case they are being slow about figuring it out themselves.
     
  5. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I have to say I would probably just dismiss it with the truth: "oh yeah, he's that kid who wanted to see my dick." Let them decide who sounds gay in that story.
     
  6. Euler

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2015
    Messages:
    1,061
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Northern Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I second the advice from the rest. However, if you don't feel comfortable coming out you can be strategically ambiguous about it. Don't deny or admit it. If someone asks directly you have a few ways of responding and ending the conversation.

    You could ask why do they want to know. Are they perhaps looking for a boy friend? If you feel the question is outright hostile you could tell them they could find out by sucking your c*ck and see if you c*m. If you are looking for more neutral way of addressing the issue, you could just tell them that it doesn't really matter what you say since people seem to have already made up their mind and you don't particularly care what others think. If they press on just tell them you don't discuss your private matters with strangers/acquaintances.

    Oh, and if the kid comes back to telling the bathroom stall story again be sure to remind him it was him who asked to see it.
     
  7. Kevin k

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2019
    Messages:
    148
    Likes Received:
    18
    Location:
    Stewartville mn
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Family only
    I am a junior, my bf is aswell, he goes to byron. Prom was last week, we didn't go. I didn't want that to be my coming out expirience. It would be easier if we both went to the same school, bc then we could deal with the haters and stuff together, and it wouldn't matter what people say to us, cause they can do anything about it. There are times when people talk about lgbt stuff at school, and I just wish he was there with me.