Been married to a man..who I love and adore for years. Problem is I have always known I am attracted to woman, don't think I am bisexual either. I Have always had to fantasize about woman in order to climax. I felt pressured to marry a man, and I am lucky I found my best friend. I have told him I am a lesbian, but usually more in the context of a joke or in the heat of an argument. So he never takes me seriously. He knows I find woman attractive. But telling him my suicide attempts are because I have an empty hole inside of me, that I am dieing a bit more inside each day...all because I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I don't want to hurt him. I know if I leave he will be crushed. We raised 6 kids together and have all this history together. Do I throw it all away to start over again with a woman? And if I do where do I go and how do I start? I have told a handful of people, Including our daughter who was braver then me and came out at 17. She wants to see me finally happy. She vowed to keep this secret from her own father until I am ready. Which makes me feel worse honestly. I feel so broken and alone.
I was on this road, and coming out has completely changed my view on life and I am happier. Me and my ex wife had to sit down and discuss it in a serious way no joking and no fight leading up to it. She knew long before we started our separation and divorce. Be real and honest with people. And the changes you make will effect your life mostly in positive ways. It may hurt a little at first. But, if it’s truly your best friend, at the end of the day, they will get over it and still be your best friend. This was my experience and I know all people react ln different ways. Just my experience and opinion on it. Never take the permanent solution to a temporary problem. I also recommend getting some counseling as that really helped me as well. Not only in coming out but in dealing with depression and PTSD.
Also forgot to mention we also have 6 kids ranging from 6 to 20 and all of them have said they notice that mom and dad are both happier now.
@Roxxy75 welcome, we're glad you're here. Many of us are in the same situation, including me. I cannot tell you how much I relate to that emptiness. I don't know how I can destroy my marriage, but I also don't know how I can keep going with this huge part of my life rendered totally silent and unexpressed. When I joined here a few months ago, I had attempted suicide twice in the past year. I felt like I missed out on true happiness and didn't know if I believed in love or happy relationships anymore, much less deserved one of my own. Talking to others here, finding a couple of good books, and going to therapy has all helped. Even though I'm still married, unsure of what to do, and have bad days, I'm much better off than I was this time last year. I hope you find the same support here and know that you aren't alone! There are many wonderful people here who will listen and offer advice. It's wonderful that your daughter came out and that you can talk to each other. I think it's important to be honest with your husband, but I know it is hard. For me it's been a series of difficult conversations where I slowly get out what I want to say. Have you also considered talking to a therapist?
ts not that your daughter is any braver than you, just from a more accepting generation than we are. You did what I did, get married and all that and kept it inside for decades. I finally told my wife and she has accepted me for me. The mental freedom is beyond belief. Remember to do right for yourself. Ending everything is not the answer. In high school 5 kids took there lives in 18 months in a town of 2000 people. The sadness was extreme. There are other ways. Dean
I can relate. I was in the hospital off and on for about 3 years due to the depression and suicidal thoughts. I have been married 13 years to a man and the past few years have been rough. I really wanted to die. I didn't have support. After the last hospital stay I started counseling for my PTSD. I ended up learning how to deal with more than just that. I gained confidence. I found a local support group . I am now independent. Those dark days are very rough. I don't know how to help or what to say. I just want you to know you are not alone.
First off you are not alone for sure. Many of us have felt the same way. Torn between the world we know and the world we want. Certainly it is safer to stay with the known however your happiness is at stake. We owe it to ourselves to live as happy and fulfilled as possible. You get one shot at this life we need to be as authentic as possible. While you are right to be concerned about your husband’s possible reaction that does not mean you shouldn’t embrace your lesbian sexuality. You deserve to live as you want. If that’s with a woman then you have an obligation to yourself to go for it. The path towards sexual freedom is rocky but at the end of road it is worth the trip. Good luck.
I am sorry that it has been so long since I have been on, I love all of the support and beautiful insightful things that all of you have said to me. I have not been on because I had a cancer scare. But all is better with that. So the day I went to get a biopsy, my husband was supposed to be by my side. But never showed. Instead I come home to find he had went through all of my history on this tablet and thought this was a dating site. And I kept trying to explain to him that it is a support group. And then he would say yeah for f*cking fags and dykes. And I tried to explain that I need their advice and that they are human beings and not any different then me. And that also from my experience gay people are way more excepting and understanding about various situations because of their own desire for being accepted by others. So who better to get advice from. Anyways i stayed off here to avoid more confrontation because right now I am getting my health in order. But my daughter thinks I should come live with her. And I am considering this. Because I am becoming more ready to come out then ever. As much as I love my husband. His homophobic comments and judgement towards other people is not who I am. I really tend to love good souls over all. People who love and accept each other's life paths. Because we all have our own path to follow. Your path may not be the same as mine. But I will always respect you.
@Roxxy75 glad to hear you're getting your health in order! I'm just reading your story now, having joined this forum not too long ago. I left my husband a few months ago (it wasn't so difficult, in part because he was not kind to me) so I can somewhat relate to what you're going through. I told my husband (and all our friends/family) that I left mainly because he was not kind, treated me not nice, financially abused me for years, had mental health issues he refused to get help with etc. But the backstory is that I have had a huge crush on a friend of mine (a woman) for a long time, and it became apparent to me that I just couldn't stay with my husband any longer, living with this huge crush. He guessed my crush, and confronted me, and said some really nasty things to me (kept referring to my "dirty little secret") so he knows, and is not happy. I guess he feels cheated, like he married a lesbian (which I guess he did!) But after all that chaos, I feel much happier away from him. It's a relief. I hope things go well for you, whatever happens. I wish you good luck!
I cannot totally relate to your situation Roxxy but i can certainly say that suicidal thoughts had been present with me for a while. I’m around the same age as you and have struggled with accepting my sexuality for years to the point i felt i had no support and no other option also because i’m not out and very scared of my family realising i’m gay as they would be horrified. They look upon it the same way as your husband does. Sadly they are from a previous generation with closed minded opinions that unfortunately will never change. Granted you have feelings for your husband and do not wish to hurt him but ultimately this is about you and when it comes to the point that thoughts of taking your life come into the equation you really must think of yourself. Your happiness is what counts and you just cannot subject yourself to years of misery and constant derision from your husband just to ensure he has a happy life. You are gay..be happy..it will be tough to start but once you walk through the storm you’ll be glad you did it. I got involved on this site which in itself was and still is a huge step for me. I’m not sure i’ll ever be strong enough to cope with the fall out of openly admitting i’m gay but just having people here to talk to has been a massive help.
