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Am i really transgender?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Signate, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. Signate

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    Hi all, I wrote this question and I explained my situation on a lot of different places. I'm asking here just to be sure to reach a lot of different people. Right now I'm questioning my gender (I'm AMAB) and I have been doing so for 2-3 months. At the age of 17 (I'm 19 now) I really wanted to start crossdressing and I started doing so when I turned 19. For the first times, i was excited but time after time i started to became less and less excited (sexually) about it. I think that i'd like to be a girl and be seen as one but i'm not sure. When i see a woman or a girl i can't stop thinking how my life could have been if i was born female and sometimes i'm envious of the opposite gender. I told everything to my mom and she was supportive. Then i spoke with a therapist and she said that she'll send me to a specialized center. The question about my gender is always on my mind and i can't stop thinking about it. I'm really not sure if i'm transgender because unlike other transgender people i don't hate my body, sometimes i just wish it was different. I searched a lot of things on the internet including the "null hypothecis", documents, videos of hrt therapy, and tests about gender identity but i'm still not sure. What do you think? I know that i'm certainly not cisgender but i don't know where i am in the spectrum. Maybe i only like the idea of being a woman? Can this be just a phase? I'm also waiting for your questions, maybe you'll help me figuring out who i am.
     
  2. Hrafn

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    Firstly, welcome to the forum!

    It sounds to me like you've already taken a good first step by telling your mom and speaking to a therapist. Ultimately, no one else can tell you who you are. Only you can truly answer that question. But I think asking these questions of yourself is a good way to begin figuring out exactly what you feel. Doubt is a normal, human reaction. Have you tried experimenting with names or pronouns with anyone? You also said you crossdress. Have you gone out in public presenting female at all? How do you feel being treated socially as your birth gender? Trying things out with someone you feel safe with can be a good way to see what feels right.

    One other thing that I think is important to remember is that not every transperson will experience the same things or feel dysphoria in the same way. You said you sometimes want your body to be different but don't hate it. You certainly don't have to hate your body to be trans. Dysphoria comes in many forms, and doesn't necessarily have to mean great discomfort with your body just because many trans people feel that way. Is there anything in particular you would like to change about your body? If so, how would you change it?

    If it may be helpful to you, my experience is similar in some ways (though I'm AFAB). I don't particularly hate my body; I mean, it keeps me alive, doesn't it? I do really dislike certain aspects of my figure while I love my body for the fact that it functions generally as it should. Most of my dysphoria is actually social. I dislike hearing certain words describing me, and am uncomfortable being called "ma'am" or "miss." I am highly aware of how feminine my birth name is, although I don't hate it (I do want to change it). Watching trans guys on HRT online makes me feel envious that I don't have what they have. I was so very confused for years, until very recently.

    In the end, what has helped me the most is seeing a therapist weekly and journaling. I have been writing down my thoughts whenever I have something on my mind related to my gender. Writing down what I'm feeling on a weekly to daily basis has really helped me sort my thoughts. You might try something like that to get a clearer idea of what you feel regarding your gender. If there is something you find yourself repeatedly coming back to, perhaps you may be able to answer a question or two.

    I hope my rather long reply is at least a little helpful! I wish you luck in figuring this out!
     
  3. Signate

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    Thanks for your answer! I never crossdressed in public, it's dangerous here. About being treated socially as female, i did some tests, making people online calling me with a different name and pronouns and i liked it. When i'm outside and people use male pronouns with me, sometimes i feel the urge to correct them but i don't. Regarding my body, i'd like it to be less masculine and to be smaller. I also shave everywhere but it keeps growing up and this "hurt" me in a sense. As you did, i watched a lot of hrt videos and sometimes i felt envious too. It's a really difficult question and it's making me feeling extremely distressed. The times i'm outside where i see women and girls i feel at the absolute bottom, and the only thing i want to do is going to sleep or cry. It's like, a physical need.
     
  4. Hrafn

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    I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so distressed about this. I'm glad to hear you've been trying some things without putting yourself at risk though. Safety is so, so important. Experimenting is good, but don't do anything that you are uncomfortable with or could compromise your safety.

    I know it can seem really hopeless, and that there can be a lot of emotional pain involved with figuring out who you are, but don't give up on it. It can take an awful lot of patience. It may seem like a few months have been an eternity. But you can figure it out. It may take time, but you can find your answers. And move at your own pace. You are the one deciding how to move forward, no one else.
     
  5. Brandy Bee

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    I should just copy and paste your words and call them my own: for me (trans feminine, mind you), my overall sentiments echo yours precisely.
     
  6. Lalaith

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    "Am I transgender?" is the question that brought me to this forum a year ago. It was for me a nice place to speak "in feminine" and being referred by female pronouns. Then I left the forum for lack of time and later on I got some professional help. With that I realized that, at least for now, maybe I'm not trans but I "just" have gender nonconformity... I don't know, I'm still figuring out that myself. But something that has helped me lately is table-top roleplaying, you know, Dungeons & Dragons. It's been a safe place where I take the identity of a charismatic sorceress, or a beautiful paladin, or a mysterious rogue; all of them strong women, and I'm treated as such by people. You see, we're playing in a make believe in world where there's fire breathing dragons and walking dead --why would people frown upon on you playing a "different" gender?
     
  7. savannah07

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    hello my name is savannah and i just imagined me having a males part and my boyfriend is mtf and i support him, but i have no clue what i am and i am bisexual and i haven't even told my family about my sexuality . And this question brought me when i just asked out my boyfriend out and im just confused on what i really am