I met up with two very good friends today who talked some sense into me. They are two women who are a few years older than me who have both been through divorce (they’re straight). The one already knew of my situation, and I ended up telling the other one too. After talking for a while, I realized that I really, really need to start taking some steps. I have been stuck. As much as I love my husband and want this marriage to work, I know that it can’t. Some people would be content with a marriage to a good friend and partner and parent to their kids, even without deep intimacy, but I’m just not that person. I wish I was, but right now I slowly feel parts of myself suffocating. I am going to meet with a friend this upcoming week to inquire about a long-term housesitting opportunity while she and her husband will be overseas. If I can do that, it would get me out of my house and give me some space to think about where I go next. And it would be close to home and my kids, so it would be ideal in that sense. I am also going to request a consult with an attorney to review my financial status and different options. I need to do something. Otherwise I find myself just replaying the woman relationship I lost. It’s almost easier and more comfortable to dwell on that than to contemplate the end of my marriage. That’s big stuff there. But, I’m moving forward. I’m putting this out there to you all so you can help hold me accountable too
@L8bloomer - that’s huge! Does it feel like a bit of a relief just having some kind of movement? Feeling stuck in limbo is torturous to me.
To be honest, I do feel some relief, but also a huge amount of fear and second-guessing. My husband and I had a nice day out with the kids yesterday, and he started a new job today. So in many ways we are happy, and that makes it harder to leave. That’s one of the things I have found so difficult through all this: there are so many good moments and memories, and yet it always comes back to me knowing it’s not enough. I feel guilty for even phrasing it that way. It’s enough, just not the right fit for me I guess. And moving forward is scary in the sense that once this train starts rolling, it’s going to be hard to stop. (Not saying I want it to stop, it’s just scary.)
I definitely feel that. I go back and forth at least daily precisely because of that. I keep hoping that will fade but I think doubt is inevitable when stepping into the unknown. After over 20 years with my husband, it’s hard to let go even if I feel it’s not a good fit. It’s hard not to feel guilty and selfish. Especially when things feel good together. I keep trying to ask myself what kind of life do I want to look back on. Some days I feel like a content and comfortable life isn’t so bad. But clearly it’s not enough if it’s not a fit. We are here to be our best selves and sometimes it hurts to get there. I sympathize with your struggle!
Well, if it’s any consolation, it’s taken me literally a year to get even to this point of taking little steps. So it’s a process and we all go through it differently. My older divorced friends really drove home the point of how bad an example I’ll be for my kids if I stay and if I’m unhappy and suppressing myself. One of them stayed longer than she should have for the sake of the kids, and said it really messed up her kids for a while. They said that after so long repressing your true self, you lose your confidence and become a doormat. That scared me, because I already see it starting to happen. I’m losing confidence at work to the point it’s affecting my job, yet at home my resentment is causing me to lash out at my husband and my kids are seeing it. I can continue to try with my husband, but I keep thinking, it’s been a year and this isn’t getting better :/
I'm in the first six months of my marriage and I see I could be comfortable. Or living my truth. I feel guilty and really want to get him on his feet before I leave.
That is a really big step. Just saying it and making that commitment to move forward with it is huge. I remember feeling stuck like that and I had to get away, I had to breath. It really does help. Take this time to really think, thoroughly, about the next step and what you want it to accomplish. It takes a long time to be ready to be there in the moment to say I am who I am but it's worth the journey. It's taken me five years to put myself out there again. But building a life that gives you the real experience of being yourself is worth the trouble. You have a good support group here.
I think taking the time to reflect and thinking about where to go from here will definitely help you to continue figuring out the next (small) steps. It is good that you have friends who can help you to gain different perspectives or some insights based on their own experiences. I don't know how accessible it would be for you, but it might be worthwhile to see if there is a support group you could join, which could potentially give you some more insights or food for thought as it were. At the end of the day, it will come down to what you are comfortable with, and ready for but listening to others, and what has helped them could help. The fear and second-guessing, is probably going to stay with you for a while and in particular as you go through the next steps. Have you had a chance to speak with anybody else, aside your friends about where you are at?
