I'm embarrassed to even ask this question, and I think I've bought into the notion that I'm shallow for even thinking this way. And I apologize to anyone who may be offended. While we were dating, and for the first few years of our marriage, my wife and I were physically active. We used to ride our bikes to walk our dog for an hour each morning and another hour each evening. We got a tandem bike and rode it a LOT, often going 60 or 80 miles, and even doing an organized century ride. It was great! But slowly, over the years, she kept putting on weight, and now it's difficult for her to ride more than just a few miles. I've tried easing her gently back onto the tandem and I invite her to walk with me in the morning. She's not just a little overweight, but so much so that it limits her and it's unhealthy. In the past, when I've tried to gently say something about my concerns, my wife found my words hurtful and called me "shallow". I'm trying to figure out how to preserve my marriage while also being authentic with my other-than-totally-straight sexuality. Part of that, I think, includes reconnecting sexually with my wife. I'm finding it difficult to overlook the weight. Should I say something to my wife? Or figure out how to overcome this on my own?
There are separated issues here. One is she is not able to do the activities she used to do with you, and you miss it. The other is you wanting to reconnect sexually with her. In the first instance, it can be talked about without addressing weight. You can bring up how you miss doing your formerly enjoyed activities. The second one is harder though. You’ve got sexual orientation realizations which may be affecting this. Is her weight an excuse for you to keep from thinking “have I changed as I learn more about/embrace my orientation?”... that is the harder thing to ponder. And the implicit messages “I’m not enough for him” may be heard by her. I can only imagine the mixed messages our spouses get when we say “I love you” but something is different sexually. There is lots of advice online for hetero couples (one had this quote: “If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?” ) but that leaves out the last bit I brought up — you have to know for sure that it isn’t you looking for excuses (due to not facing something about how your orientation affects things).
Oooh. Good points, @DecentOne. Is the weight just an excuse because it's really my bisexuality that keeps me from being attracted? Or maybe it's the other way around: I'm feeling the same-sex attraction only because the sexual attraction to my wife is gone. I need to sort this out.
I am no expert on things like this especially when it comes to women but however... You mention that you wish to reconnect with your wife sexually. As the reply posts have pointed out, could it be possible that you are using your wifes weight as a way of giving into your gay side. Is your wife still open to intercourse with you? if she is and you directly go to the weight thing then i think the answer for you is clear. You must sit down for the good of you both and your marriage and find the answer.
I think you should tell her, but you should tell her in a way that brings you two closer ... not exactly sure how but you'll figure it out! I don't think you should feel guilty about it because after all you're supposed to be partners and working together on the relationship and, frankly, I agree with you that obesity/fat is not attractive. Maybe you should also agree to work on one of your own weaknesses that gets in the way of your relationship. You'll really have to finesse the comment, but I think you're entitled to let your feelings be known in a kind and loving way.
Oh boy I think I'd rather take a stick to a hornets nest than talk about weight concerns with a woman. Lol, can I have your car after she kills you? Seriously This is a tuff situation. Let me put the shoe on the other foot. This fully out gay guy and I are "scoping" each other out. (no, no intimacy, just lots of talking and looking - checking each other out.) We are both physically active and skinny as rails. We have already told each other reasons for liking each other. We are both physically active and in fairly good shape. I have already told him if he were out of shape I wouldn't give him a second look. What are we doing? We are being authentic with each other. I've got to ask, is your wife trying to change your taste? Change you? She has to work at the relationship to. Maintaining the relationship can't be all from you. .
Sevn Attractions are complicated things. I'm not sure that this is a sexuality thing. Although, in other posts we have seen men describe women as becoming unattractive and even repulsed once they accept their sexuality. So, it could be either way (no pun intended). My wife is a fitness fanatic and remains attractive even at over sixty. So, I continue to want her sexually even though I am attracted to men too. But, I can say that I would not feel this way if she were overweight. I am attracted to athletic bodies, male and female, and have very little attraction for those that are out of shape. I'm not talking the perfect body. I'm talking about someone who cares enough about their bodies to maintain a level of fitness. Your attractions are what they are. My concern is that your wife might be gaining the pounds because she does not feel worthy and has low self esteem. I have a relative who makes herself unattractive to avoid disappointment. If she was attractive and still undesirable then it would be very hard on her self esteem. It is easier for her to blame others for being shallow. How do you "fix" this? You don't. Your wife should discuss this with her therapist to find out if there is an underlying problem. You can encourage it by maybe hiring a personal trainer that you both go to, learn to cook some really healthy meals that you treat her too and continue to try and get out and do things. But, you can only be supportive. She needs to want to be attractive to you and be attractive to herself.
Great to hear that Nickw good on you fella . Nowadays there are not to many who openly admit to still be sexually attracted and active with their wife past 60 especially when there is an attraction to men to. I can only admire you for it.
Well. Not as active as I would like. Menopause killed her sex drive. But, I still desire her and we do a lot of other sorts of intimacy these days. It's why she lets me be with men. She is aware of my high sex drive and this works for us.
Unfortunately I cannot cite the study (heard about the study on I think NPRs 1A) at this time that pointed out the relationship between obesity and psychological effects. The study pointed out that obese people (some) would subconsciously/consciously make themselves overweight so they would be unattractive. Why did they (some) do this? So they would not have to deal with the psychological effects of interacting with others. Very complex issues here. Mental health if important and we here in USA shove it under the rug.
I cannot remember if @SevnButton 's wife is in counseling separate from marriage counseling. But, probably a really good idea. I have overweight friends who just plain don't care and are pretty happy with themselves and their lives. That's super cool. But, some people gain weight because they were abused and try and not have it happen again. Or, there is something else driving it. I think it is important to also mention that I am talking about morbidly obese. Not the beer gut or curvy hips that plague most of us. That's more into the territory of body shaming for minor imperfections and that's not what I am referring to.
Perhaps you could address the weight issue by saying that it makes you sad to see that she can longer do the things she used to do and that you are concerned for her health. Hopefully, she would view this as concern for her well-being as opposed to being hurtful and shallow. Of course, it's your wife - so you are the best one to know how she might respond.
My opinion: no, don’t mention her weight. She’s already feeling insecure and bringing up something she may not have any control over is only going to make that worse. My GF is obese and the shame that goes with it is heartbreaking. I don’t know your wife’s history, obviously, but my GF has been looked down on, shamed, and discriminated against because of weight for years. The damage that does to a person is horrifying. My GF has tried every diet out there and even had weight loss surgery. Nothing works. That’s not the case for everyone, but losing a large amount of weight is hard and from what you’ve said previously your wife sounds like she has enough struggles right now. She has to decide to make lifestyle changes and you can support that, but you don’t get to tell her she needs to. She already knows. Work on reframing your own definition of attraction and see if that helps. We are conditioned in society to see fat as undesirable. I fell in love with a woman who is overweight because of who she is and I’ve been able to start looking at people’s bodies differently. I’ve had to work at it, but it has been rather freeing.
Thanks @SoulSearch , I think that's the right call. This morning I consciously steered our conversation toward things my wife does well. It was easy to be sincere and interested because she is so enthusiastic about those things. The little bit of validation I gave went a long way. The results have been remarkable.
Is your wife on any meds? I struggle with weight gain which is really bad because I already had body shame. According to my doctor, some of my medication for depression is making it more difficult to lose weight. But I feel that I’m using that as an excuse too much. I need to lose probably about 25 lbs.
Yes. my wife is talking medications for depression and anxiety. The meds make her sleep a lot more, but she still gets out and does her walks regularly. I can tell when my wife is feeling low because she cooks when she's down, and she doesn't clean up when she's done. She uses food to soothe herself. It's really hard on her self-esteem that I'm not sexually drawn to her. It seems to all get back to the conclusion that the best thing I can do for her is talk about the things she does well.
I'll admit, I find it very pleasing to look at athletic, fit bodies. But you know what really attracts me? It's aliveness and enthusiasm. That's available to people of all ages and all body types. Much like a fit body, some people seem to just have it naturally, and the rest of us need to make an effort to achieve it.
Sevn You probably know this having been married so long.... Intimacy can take many forms and often women's desires are on a different level than men's. My wife would just rather have a massage than intercourse. It almost doesn't matter, to her, that I need to be turned on by her if she feels desired and worthy by other expressions. At this stage, sometimes, my sexual desire for her is seen as an interruption in our intimacy. So. Even though my wife has remained sexually desirable to me, that's way down on her list of needs in the marriage IF I show her how much she means to me otherwise. So, it sounds like you are headed in the right direction but maybe amp up some of the non sexual physical intimacy? Here's the problem with all this though. What are you getting? If you are not attracted to your wife and are not being fulfilled sexually? Is this sustainable? I've found I really need sexual intimacy. It's how I'm wired.
