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Are there normal gays?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JonathanW, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. JonathanW

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    I know this question will not be appreciated by many, because what is ‘normal’? So let me first say I don’t mean to exclude anyone. It’s just that in my small world it feels the gay world is primarily known for very feminine types in movies and for lavish sexual parades. Both which don’t attract me personally and make it harder wanting to come out as gay. I feel like an ordinary guy that is attracted to ordinary guys, which is hard enough to admit. But all I can find on the internet are stereotypes of very over the top gays, which is fine but don’t seem to represent how I feel personally. Are there guys out there that are not feminine and are not into gay pride parades? Sorry again if this offends anyone, not intended.
     
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  2. Nickw

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    Hey. I am a bisexual and just came out a few years ago. I'm a pretty average guy. I connected with my local gay community and have a number of gay friends now. I would say all of my friends are just average guys that would rather go for a bike ride and have a beer than go to a parade. I think it is just that the more flamboyant demand more attention and that has both good and bad consequences.

    There are plenty of guys just like you out there.
     
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  3. johndeere3020

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    Dude, take a look at my media page, not flamboyant here!
     
  4. GayTurtle

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    "Are there normal gays?" ...
    Well, I think you answered your own question - you are one! And you're not alone. How many people are "normal" will depend on how narrowly you define that.

    Although, a suggestion:
    As you seem to realize, it's rather rude to call people abnormal. If you feel like you have to hedge this statement 5 times in your question, it seems like there's probably a better way of phrasing it in the first place. Maybe something like "how many gay men are very feminine?" or something like that.
     
  5. Ram90

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    I think to the hetero-normative society out there, the stereotypical Gay man is effeminate/feminine (Since gays like men) and the stereotypical Lesbian woman is Masculine (Since lesbians like Women). Totally one-dimensional. As the society and the environment around us teaches the same, we to think that's true. When I was younger and didn't know the meaning of the word gay, I assumed gay meant a man who acts like a woman. Harsh, wrong, but that's what mainstream media taught me.

    Have a broader picture. There can be all sorts of people, with all sorts of qualities, behaviours and attitudes. That's because our views and sight isn't one-dimensional any longer. :slight_smile:

    Are there flamboyant gays out there? Yes! Just like there are quieter, more reserved ones too. :slight_smile:
     
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  6. Chip

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    The short answer is... there are plenty of guys who don't really fit any of the stereotypes. I have a number of friends I would never have picked out as gay, even after spending a bit of time with them. They didn't trip my gaydar at all. And yet... they are... they just don't fit the stereotypes.

    Part of what reinforces the stereotypes is that the ones who don't fit the stereotype are invisible... you don't know they're there, so you assume they don't exist. Now... these guys might be a little harder to find; they might not commmonly go to gay bars, to pride, or the like... so it just might take a little more effort to find them.
     
  7. SemiCharmedLife

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    Hi there! I've been described by one straight female friend as "my least flamboyant gay friend." You won't see me in drag or at a club (gay or straight). My favorite LGBT annual event isn't our pride parade it's our film festival. I couldn't name a single winner of Drag Race but can tell you who's won every World Series dating back before I was born.

    So yeah, there's a lot of stereotypes I don't fit (and a few that I do). Sometimes I wish there were more gay spaces in town other than clubs. I tend to find those through the arts and community service organizations. And I've made gay friends through work or through other friends.

    But if you doubt that I'm gay for one second, just know that I have a bf that I love to kiss . I think that's proof enough!
     
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  8. sublimeprincess

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    Chip and Phoenix90 said it best. Yes, there are what you define as "typical" gay men. A lot of the members who replied to your post gave you examples.

    Since you are from a "small world," it might be worthwhile to consider what "normal" means to you. I feel like the concept of normalcy has its deepest roots in queer person's internalized homophobia. Heteronormative society is what we deem as normal, but the more you're in the gay culture, the more your life feels more homonormative. I actually sometimes mistake a hetero couple as a femme and butch lesbians (whoops), and I have to check my own bias.

    As you seem to know, the definition of "normal" is so arbitrary. Statistically, it's taking a population of people and finding what is at least 68% of what everyone else is doing. So, in that case, the "norm" views gay people as outside the norm... not that being outside the norm is bad (see Nazi views in Germany circa 1945).

    Since I have sneaking suspicion that you might be experiencing internalized homophobia (consciously or subconsciously) via your language about gay people, I think it might be helpful for you to immerse yourself with some shows. HBO has an awesome gay man show called Looking where you will see a bunch of different types of guys, and although you might not be into the content of Queer Eye on Netflix, just watch a couple episodes so you can watch Antoni. My gf and I are very much lady lovers, but even we love to watch Antoni.

    Hope this helps more than being long-winded :slight_smile: <3
     
    #8 sublimeprincess, Apr 27, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019
  9. swimman68

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    I think one of the reasons that I could not connect the dots on my sexuality when I was younger is that I had the same thinking. I thought gay men were effeminate and flamboyant because I didn't have any other reference points or role models. This image was the one that was prevalent in the media. Now that I am older, I can say that I know many gay men with a rage of personality types of interests. It made me realize that you can be gay and also like and do things that many people might typically associated with straight men. Identifying as straight, gay, bi, or anything else does not dictate other aspects of your personality.
     
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  10. dano218

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    I totally get this. I even had a one person reject the idea of me being gay because I did not "act" gay. I am honestly not the most masculine guy on earth and I am very much ok with that though I am not over the top feminine either. Only one person ever said that to me but even straight men are rejecting stereotypes of what is viewed as masculine and feminine and we have to think more often before we make characterizations of groups of people.
     
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  11. Tightrope

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    Most of them are "normal," which means I would imagine the men who are what might be considered conventional, and almost invisible, far outnumber the men who might be considered more obvious.

    Yes. They might not trip gaydar and go undetected in general. A couple of things that people might use as yardsticks are age and marital status, but even this is becoming less of a yardstick as the years have gone by because of huge societal changes. However, if in a situation such as being at a supermarket or at a gym and there is that almost immeasurably longer eye contact, that might be the only indication.
     
  12. OGS

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    Whenever this discussion comes up it always puts me in mind of an afternoon my husband and I spent at a gay sports bar here in town. Not long after we arrived a relatively large group of straight guys came in. Both my husband and I have really good gaydar so we sort of immediately set to figuring out which one was gay and pretty immediately came to the conclusion that none of them were. So we watched to see what would happen. They were two rounds and about a half hour in when we saw the moment where one of them figured it out. It was hysterical. While I would hesitate to describe the contents of any sports bar as normal, apparently the contents of this one was well within the range of what these guys thought of as "normal".

    In some respects I think a lot of people would class me as one of the "normal" or as I like to think of the "boring" ones. I'm in investment banking, played basketball on my high school team, and have been married to a wonderful man for well over twenty years at this point. The one thing I would add is that I'd take it a little easy with the whole idea of the normal gays because, yeah, I know a lot of them. But most of them wouldn't have a lot of patience with that sort of talk--it would definitely blow a first date. But what do I know--I and about a million of my closest friends here in Chicago attend the Pride Parade pretty much every year...
     
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  13. smurf

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    I think this is very important point.

    When you think of a gay men, the images that come to your head have been put there mostly by homophobic straight people. You have pretty much only seen the lgbt community through straight people's eyes. Straight people love a good spectacle, so a lot of the times they will focus and only see the people tho they find "disgusting"

    Are there other gay man like you? Hell yeah. Just in this thread you found a ton. You are not alone, but it feels that way because sadly you don't have enough people in your life that you can model your own identity after.

    Feminine and flamboyant gay guys have been the ones who have died and fought for our rights from the very beginning. They created drag show, they marched and they created pride parades. They are the ones who did the work so more masculine gays could feel safe enough to come out.

    But all that visibility also means that homopobes hate them. They killed them for being too feminine, they beat them up and got them fired. Did they ever back down? Hell no.

    Don't buy into the lies that straight media tells you about lgbt community. Their only intent is to convince you to hate feminine men too. Don't let them convince you to hate them too.

    As you meet other masculine guys like you, you will also meet other feminine and flamboyant gay guys who you will learn to respect and admire. Our community is so diverse. I can't wait for you to meet more people out there :slight_smile:
     
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  14. Love4Ever

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    If by normal you mean, gender conforming, white picket fence owning, mini van driving, 2.5 kids parenting people who are gay then yes, there are "normal" gay people. It is very possible to have a very typical "American dream" style life in suburbia with all that that entails. So yes, it is very possible.
     
    #14 Love4Ever, Apr 29, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2019
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  15. Jaimequestions

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    I would say so. Like you said everyone is different and the internet searches you find are stereotypes. As an example, even though he is political, look at Dave Rubin. I had no idea of how sexuality until he said something.
     
  16. revanmalak

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    This is something I struggled with as well when I was younger. Unfortunately mainstream TV and film don't always do a great job portraying the diversity within the gay community so you end up with a lot of stereotypes that aren't fully representative. If that's all you know, it can make you feel like you don't fit in.

    The reality is gay people come in as many varieties as straight people. Rest assured there are many people like you.

    My husband and I don't really come across as gay to most people, especially my husband. But it is somewhat amusing when people find out they start assuming things like we will know all about fashion or watch certain shows.
     
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  17. bearheart

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    I think you got good answers to your question and comment here @JonathanW. Welcome to EC!
    You're definitely not alone. When I came out to one of my retired gay co-workers and friend he was surprised, his gaydar, although he claims is foolproof, was never able to pick me up. It is either I learned how to conceal my identity or this is who I am, believe me I don't really know!

    It was frustrating for me too, the stereotyping of gays as feminine and flamboyant people only made me think that I wasn't probably gay! If you search the gay bear community you'll find what you're looking for. The majority of "bears" are "masculine". Although you'll find what you're looking for outside this community too.

    I was never interested in pride parades, raising the flag, fashion ...etc. I like fixing and repairing stuff around the house, I like playing rough sports like racquetball and would sit down and watch football and soccer games. I'm not into the bar scene at all either. I wouldn't look like a gay man at all, even other gay friends told me so. But I am, I don't need to prove it to anyone, but I knew that I was gay probably at 6th grade, couldn't put a name into it, but I had attraction towards men and never women.

    You're not alone my friend, welcome to the group!
    Hugs.
     
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  18. MBM4K54

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    I'm bisexual ,but I don't think anyone would pick me as being a bit queer.
    In Australia there is an openly gay man called Ian Roberts, he retired from rugby league football about 20 years ago but when he was playing he was considered one of the toughest men in the game. Certainly not effeminate .
     
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  19. johndeere3020

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  20. bearheart

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    Here is another video about an Irish strongman competitor to assure you that you're not alone!