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Any married guys in the closet out there?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JonathanW, May 2, 2019.

  1. JonathanW

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    I am looking for stories like mine, but can’t find them anywhere online! (except for in the dating scene). Are there guys out there that are married and have later realized their gay feelings are much stronger than they thought? I myself come from a christian background with no gay examples in my life whatsoever. So I didn’t understand my gay feelings and ended up marrying and becoming a father, like most around me. Great career, money, big house, nice car. But the world has changed. I’m early 40’s and daily I am confronted with people truly falling in love, feeling like they have met a soulmate. And that is something I know I miss. That great guy I can stare into his eyes, that makes me weak when he smiles, that I can hug, love, travel with and have fun with. Maybe I have missed it from the start, I just didn’t know it. But now I don’t know what to do.
    I can honestly say I don’t see myself coming out to my wife, as it would destroy her and my kids. I love and respect her too much and I feel such a dick for realizing this only now, as she has devoted her entire life to me and our children. Such a loser I feel. And I feel I have a responsibility to take, as this is a path I chose, so I need to finish it. But I can’t stop to think what would happen if I did come out. Would everything fall apart? Would I instantly regret it? Would I actually meet that awesome guy and would it give me all that I feel is missing? Would the gay life turn out to be great, or the opposite?
    I crave for a handsome guy to wrap his arms around me, to kiss him, to spend time
    together. But my secret desires would wreck a whole lot of lives and I know I am not willing to let that happen. So what is my goal here? I truly don’t know. Maybe to spill my guts and hope it will relief me somehow. To read similar stories and to know I’m not the only one in this. So curious to know if there are similar men out there experiencing this. It’s awful.
     
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  2. bearheart

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    @JonathanW welcome to EC! your story is no different than may of us. It is not uncommon to find here similar situations. At one point I was facing your exact same dilemma, although I came to EC a little later than you, I was in my late 40s then. I am technically still married, although going through a divorce since late 2017, I have two kids, both are adults, one is married and the other one is in college. I went through the same thinking once, and I did put my family first before any desires. My marriage wasn't a smooth one though, and we had problems that were the main basis for divorce. I never came out to anyone in my family.

    I once had it all, family, nice house, cars, job, you name it. But at a certain point, when my kids moved out, I decided that it would be impossible for me to be able to continue with my wife. I separated from my wife in late 2016, moving to a separate bedroom, and started to financially separate accounts. The divorce wasn't filed (she did it!) till early 2018, and since then we are in negotiations and court hearings for mainly financial issues. I moved out the house and left almost everything behind, I took only the necessities, and I'm living since in a studio rental apartment. Frankly, I didn't care much about the house nor the belongings in there, I live in peace of mind since I moved out.

    Moving out gave me the opportunity to opening up to some gay friends, and gave me a chance to fall in a short lived love story! I experienced the first man hug and kiss. I regret nothing, but my case is different. I wasn't in a happy marriage, and my wife wasn't treating me well in the first place. Lots of abuse verbal and emotional, and lots of push and pull through more than 20 years of marriage, during which we were about to divorce more than 4-5 times at least.

    So yes, you're not alone. You are one of many you're going to find here. Some decided to come out to their wives, other did not. Some are now open to everyone they know, and others are still in the closet, or a partial closet like me! everyone's situation is different and only you would be able to evaluate and decide what to do with your life. Please take time to browse through the forums here, you'll find plenty of stories similar to yours, you'll learn a lot. Do not hesitate to involve us in any discussions you find important to you, we'll all try hard to be as supportive and informative as possible.

    Once more suggestion that I found beneficial to me specifically was to actually involve a therapist. Find one that is LGBT friendly, one who would understand what is going on and be able to support you, a safe place to vent out to a real person! When I started seeing one in the 2014 it was a suggestion from many on this forum and others, and it was my first coming out to a real person. I told my wife in 2015 that I'm seeing one because I have problems dealing with her attitude and not because I was gay, I was partially truthful, because then and then only I realized that I was involved in an abusive relationship. It was an eye opener and things evolved pretty quickly afterwards.

    The craving for a man's hug, kiss, to be in the arms of a man and to share the love and life with will never go away. It isn't easy to get, especially at an older age. Heartbreaks are common too, so life isn't peachy after coming out, but I am yet to find someone who came out and regretted his/her action. I personally, although not completely out, don't regret anything I went through, including my straight marriage, I won't go back to it, but won't regret it, it is a life experience, tough and rough but made me who I am.

    Good luck in your endeavor and please let us know if you need to vent out or discuss any issue.
    Big hugs.
    -Alex
     
  3. Nickw

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    @jonathonw

    Hi. Welcome to EC. I'm bisexual and came out to my wife after over 30 years together a couple years back. My situation is different in that my wife lost her sex drive and doesn't mind that I find sexual fulfillment outside the marriage. But, that took a couple years after coming out to her. I do understand the drives and urges you have although I was pretty fulfilled with a heterosexual marriage.

    We are all different. But, I have to ask this question. Are you what she needs you to be? Is your wife getting her sexual needs fulfilled? Can you be truly intimate with her? Some gay guys can do this. They love their wives and love the intimacy with them and are fulfilled even if they have this drive for m2m intimacy. Some gay guys cannot. So, this is not, necessarily, you operating in a vacuum. Your wife may well see something is not right in the marriage.

    My wife saw that I was becoming angry and withdrawn. Since coming out I have been able to be more of what she needs.

    I'm not suggesting that you do come out because of the risks of losing much of what you hold dear. But, these feelings of loss will not go away. If you are really feeling you need to spend your life with a man how can you be the husband your wife needs?

    There are other guys here who have had a really different experience than I had. Marriages that fell apart and marriages barely holding together after this disclosure. So, every result is different. But, I would never go back to keeping this secret inside me and you will hear that from a lot of us.

    Best luck
     
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  4. SevnButton

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    Hi @JonathanW ! Welcome to Empty Closets!

    Short answer: Yes. Definitely yes. It seems there are lots of men in straight marriages who realize they're not totally straight. As @Nickw has already written, there is a lot of variety among those of us who are in this situation. Some come out, some don't, some end their marriages, some don't some are in otherwise good marriages, some are not, some are closer to the straight end of the spectrum, others are closer to full-on gay. But what is consistent it that we all benefit from being able to tell our stories and our truth, and from helping and being helped by others. The thing that drew me into Empty Closets was seeing that the things that people post here are respectful and supportive, and that this is NOT a hook-up site.

    A year ago January, I was intensely feeling the gay urge, and I felt freaked out and desperate to connect with someone, anyone who would understand. I've really opened up here and gotten some amazing support. I actually came out to my wife on our honeymoon, about a quarter century ago, but then swept it under a rug because I didn't know how to find the resources I needed in order to figure out how to simultaneously acknowledge my true sexuality while preserving my marriage. I think I'm closer to the straight end of the spectrum, but nothing in this realm seems certain, I re-came out to my wife last summer, and the jury is still out as to whether that was the right choice. Our marriage has been rocky, and now it's even rougher. My wife struggles with anxiety and depression, and (in my opinion) lacks a sense of well-being. This has not been easy on her. The interesting part for me is that it feels like since I've given my other-than-totally-straight sexuality a voice, it no longer needs to scream so loudly.

    There are no guarantees here. Some people describe letting go of their former, seemingly-perfect lives and becoming happier than they ever have been. Others, not so much.

    You didn't ask, but here's my advice: post here often and openly. Take your time, there is no rush. Read what other people have to say, and offer your support to them. You are NOT alone, and what you bring to this conversation is valuable.

    Virtual hugs-
    =Sevn
     
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  5. swimman68

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    I appreciate you describing what you are feeling since it really resonates with me. I struggled with the same thing for years but I could not bring myself to acknowledge that I am gay. I was just too afraid of hurting people and losing what I have. Finally this year I came out to my spouse and now we are dealing with the impact. Even though it is going to be difficult transitioning to a new life as a divorced gay man, it is a relief to get some clarity and envision a future where I can experience sex and relationships the way I was wired to experience them.

    Since you already acknowledge your sexuality and identify as gay, you have taken the first, and probably most difficult step. My only advice is to think about when and how you want to have the conversation. Think about how to respond to your spouse’s reaction and what you want because the next question will be whether to stay together or not.

    The short answer is that there are many men in similar situations. It is helping me to know that this is the case so I hope sharing some of my story will help you as well.
     
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  6. swimman68

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    You wrote about not understanding your gay feelings and getting married, following the path that everyone around you was taking. This is something that I am struggling to articulate. It isn’t as simple as knowing that I was gay and trying to fake it. I genuinely wanted the kind of life that I thought I could only get from a straight marriage. All of those feelings were genuine and I tried so hard to suppress my sexual attraction to men because I thought it was the life I wanted. I did not appreciate that this desire would remain and grow stronger despite my best attempts. It was only when it got to be overwhelmingly obvious that I allowed myself to acknowledge that I am gay.

    I suspect you probably thought something similar when you were younger and, like many of us, are now realizing that the feelings remain. I think the other dynamic is just taking stock of our age and realizing that we have to acknowledge our true selfs. It is just difficult because that acknowledge will have an impact on people you love so you have to be sensitive to that.
     
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  7. MBM4K54

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    I told my wife about my bisexuality once. She started crying and I really upset her a lot. I've never bought it up with her again.
    I've only told one other person, a very close friend, so I suppose I could say that I'm more in the closet than out.
     
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  8. SevnButton

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    It may be worth mentioning that sexuality from straight to gay is a spectrum, not a binary one or another. For men who are full-on gay, or close to that end of the spectrum it seems unlikely that staying in a straight marriage is going to work. For men who are closer to the end of the straight end of the spectrum, staying in a straight marriage seems like a real possibility. For myself, I've often thought that if I were to be in a gay relationship, I'd long for sex with a woman.
     
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  9. swimman68

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    An important point and thank you for mentioning it. I think one of the reasons that people in our situation might struggle is the fear of the unknown. I could come out, leave my marriage, and still end up alone. I have to acknowledge the risk and move forward as best I can. I try to stay positive and have hope for the future, but none of us really knows what will happen,
     
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  10. swimman68

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    I agree with your point. The issue for some of us is trying to convince ourselves that are straight or bisexual. Figuring out that I am gay took a really long time. The idea that I could be bi was appealing to me because I could convince myself that I could make it work. When I finally acknowledged that I am gay, I knew I would have to make a big life change.
     
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  11. JonathanW

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    Thanks guys, this is very helpful. The very knowledge of sexuality being a spectrum suddenly brings a lot of things in perspective. I struggle most with boxing in my feelings and ‘tagging’ them. There are days when I feel more straight and love my heterosexual family life, I enjoy sex with my wife occasionally. But there are other days that I feel gay and long for a man to hug and kiss me and I have physical fantasies about men. Probably a little stronger than my heterosexual tendencies. This is making it so hard to come out and risk my marriage, as my feelings are not constant. But it does mean I spend many days feeling miserable and lonely. I also don’t see myself getting into an extravagant gay life, as I don’t particularly like clubs, parades, one night stands and such. And the other side of the gay spectrum is harder to find; less femanine men to talk to, guys that like more regular things to talk about and feel connected with.
     
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  12. justaguyinsf

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    I have been in your situation, have similar values/desires, and have also explored a lot of gay life (I've been divorced about 20 years). From what you wrote, it sounds like you may be succeptible to romanticizing what coming out and being part of the gay community would be like. I would also note that a lot of men at your age and station in life can find themselves in a mid-life crisis where they look around and say "is that all there is?" I think there may be ways of dealing with your feelings and longings short of taking steps that end up destroying your family and home ... perhaps a rich fantasy life, counseling, getting closer to men without any physical or sexual intimacy (I think most men whether straight or gay have a strong need for male bonding). But my main point is to really consider all of your options and look objectively at things before you take any serious steps, and to look very skeptically at assurances from "true belivers" who argue that you have to come out in order to be "real" and "authentic" to yourself. Do what's right for you.
     
  13. SevnButton

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    For me, being "authentic" means being true to who I truly am, not living up to someone else's standards. When I was trying to wrap my head around the word I went for the dictionary meaning. The definition that works for me is something like, "the packaging and presentation truly matches what's inside the package". Use of the word is not limited to the LGBTQ community, it's just that here there are so many influences pushing us away from authenticity.
     
  14. SevnButton

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    Re-reading your post at the beginning of this thread, ... the problem is not that there are not other people out there with similar stories. The problem is that there are precious few places where we can reach out in a respectful, supportive, welcoming community. Thank you Empty Closets! And thank you Jonathan for reaching out.
     
  15. JonathanW

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    It’s very inspiring and comforting to read there are similar stories out there, and especially that there are more ways to look at this than just buying a rainbow flag as soon as possible and start a whole new life. That there is also a romanticizing factor to this and a midlife crisis factor. Just the interaction on this forum is a breakthrough for me, putting things into words for the very first time. I always thought these sites would only attract men looking to hook up for a quick night. But a real conversation about this is very unexpected and liberating. I’ll be coming back here many times!
     
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  16. justaguyinsf

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    The problem with the word "authentic" is that with human beings there is no one part or aspect of us in isolation that is "authentic." As Walt Whitman said, we humans "contain multitudes." We are not one thing such as "gay" or "straight," which are labels used for political purposes or to describe someone in general and broad terms without capturing anything specific or nuanced. Thus living in the closet is an authentic human condition, just like living out of the closet is, and it is impossible for any of us not to be true to who we "truly" are even if that includes not disclosing something about one's sexuality.
     
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  17. Nickw

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    Jonathonw. One of the things that makes this site special is that it is NOT a hookup site at all. We spill our secrets and desires here and it would be really easy for someone to take advantage of another person when they are vulnerable. Kudos to the folks who set up these rules.

    There are a multitude of ways to be gay. I've experienced a bunch of them myself in my life. I had a boyfriend when I was thirteen, was a closeted teen, came out a little bit at 21, decided I was cool with my desires as a private thing for most of my life, was an out to my wife married monogamous bisexual, and now I have a boyfriend, I am realizing I love ,at the same time I love my wife. I've had spells where I let it get to me and became angry and depressed. And, I was almost suicidal at one point in early adulthood. But, recently, I have come the conclusion that I am just myself and I needed to learn to accept that and celebrate it. Life is a learning experience.
     
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  18. Rade

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    Hi Jonathan,
    I signed up on here last September as Rade, officially I'm also a Jonathan, though I'm always known as Jon.

    I won't bore you with my story as some others in the thread have heard it before!

    I left my wife, left my three kids, came out, live on my own.

    Was it worth it?
    Well I haven't met my soul mate, met a few jerks! But I did find ME, just finished my counselling last Friday!!

    I now run, am building muscles especially in my arms through weight training, my strength physically has doubled, I've joined an LGBT choir, found I can sing.
    AND
    Last Thursday evening me and a female gay friend set up our own Facebook group to bring local LGBT people together, in three days 32 people joined!

    40 ish, seems to be the crossroads, I was 42 and had enough of leading a false life.
    My children are happy and I see them frequently.
    You have to follow your heart, I was miserable for years if I'm honest, I laugh everyday! It's weird I'm not used to laughing and being happy.

    I wouldn't say the grass is greener, it's different BUT I'm never going back!!

    Jon
     
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  19. arken1

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    I find this very brave and admirable. I always feared, and even envisioned myself forcing myself to marry a woman, have kids, and try to lead a "normal life". Thank God somehow I accepted myself before reaching that point. But for those who got farther along, the fact that you still owned your identity, despite the challenges of having kids, etc, that's a whole extra level of brave. I respect it. I think it's the most fair thing to do for everyone. Nobody wins when you pretend to be somebody else.

    I hope anyone who married out of self-rejection is able to re-calibrate and be honest as you have been.

    P.S. Many jerks exist in the gay dating world, especially online. I'm still suffering through that as well (though completely taking a break for almost a year now). Good job in being a light for LGBT people rather than let some of them beat you down. We have internal foes just as we have external ones.
     
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  20. Rade

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    Hi Arken1

    It was hard, difficult and challenging leaving my wife. But we are all happier. I'm in the best place I have been mentally and physically now, than any other time in my life.

    I tried the dating/hookups and had a bit of sexual fun. But at the moment I am actually better on my own. There is something very empowering about managing everything I do and not having to please anybody else.

    The LGBTQ group I run with a friend is now at 45 members, we have had one event and now have more planned!

    I know a few guys who have come out later than me, I was 42 but I know a guy who is early 60s and another guy who never married who is 70. But I'd say 40 is fairly common for my generation.

    Thank you for taking the time to message me.

    Jon
     
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