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Embarrassed to be gay?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Luria77, Apr 29, 2019.

  1. Luria77

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    So I've been struggling with this for awhile now (age 41, previously married to a guy), and I think I might be gay (huge crush on a friend of mine, and now that I think of it, I've had a lot of crushes and fantasies about girls/women my whole life. Guys are ok (I married one!) but I've never had that emotional connection with guys that I have with girls (non-sexual, obviously, since I've never even been with a girl). I broke up with almost every guy I ever dated, I think part of the reason why I met and stayed with my husband had to do with having a baby, settling down etc (he has lots of mental-health issues and we separated recently, my decision).

    So I've been saying to myself in my head "I'm a little bit gay" and sometimes when I'm out with friends I imagine myself telling them that. I saw a friend tonight and thought what would happen if I told her- and I felt so embarrassed! I just feel like people will think I'm weird, and immediately think about me having sex with girls. Is it normal to feel this way? I grew up in a smallish town where it was really taboo to be gay, and I spent a lot of time at fundamentalist churches with friends (my parents are definitely not homophobic, not in the least, I think my mom's always known that I'm kind of gay). But how do you get over this? I feel so weird and awkward.
     
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  2. L8bloomer

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    Hi and welcome! I can relate to a lot that you said. The emotional connection can be a big factor... I love my husband so much, but even in our early days the connection wasn’t the same as with girls.

    Let me ask, what if you did tell one friend? What would happen? It’s often easier to tell one or two really trusted people at a time. People can be much more accepting than you expect, unless they’re truly bigots - which you’d probably already know.

    You also don’t necessarily have to be “gay,” even if just a little bit :slight_smile: Maybe you could tell people that while you’ve been with guys, you find that you’re into girls too. Maybe easier if you don’t put a label on it yet?

    In any case, I admire those of you who begin to accept your gay side even before being with someone of the same sex. I was with a woman when I was in my late teens/early 20s, and although it was amazing I still didn’t comprehend my feelings until recently. Good for you!
     
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  3. PatrickUK

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    I think a lot of the embarrassment is a shame response and if you have spent any amount of time in fundamentalist churches you will have been exposed to layers and layers of shame and puritanical zeal. It's that shame and fear of how people might react that keeps us trapped in the closet.

    I don't think reasonable and rational people immediately focus on what we get up to in bed. We don't evaluate every straight person by these standards, do we? The only people who obsess over our sexual habits are homophobes and fundamentalist idiots and do we really need to care what people like that think of us? If someone is so narrow-minded that they would permanently reject us on the basis of our sexual preference, is that a real loss to us? Personally, I don't associate with people like that and avoid them as far as possible.

    Some people will need time to adjust when we first tell them and that's only because we have taken them by surprise and knocked some of the pre-conceived ideas they might have held about us. Most LGBT people can understand and live with that. We understand that we have had plenty of time to work through and come to terms with our own feelings, but coming out to other people can be like a bolt of lightning going off and it really side swipes them.
     
  4. jsm

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    Hi @Luria77 -

    I’m in a similar place regarding that. I just said “I’m gay” aloud for the first time yesterday. It was so hard to get the words out, and I was even saying it to the gay woman I’m involved with! That should have been easy!

    But I don’t know how I’ll say it again. I imagine my old friends looking at me like I have four heads. I imagine hearing that it’s a midlife crisis. And I fear allowing them to convince me that they’re right.

    From what I’ve read on the forum, though, it does seem to get easier. There are lots of comments here about feeling free once an individual accepts it for themselves and lives as truthfully and wholly themselves. I’m not there yet myself, but I do hope I can get there.

    Hang in there! Be honest with yourself first - that may be the hardest part (it is for me!) and trust your own heart.
     
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  5. Luria77

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    Thanks for the reply...I've been reading your posts and I can totally relate to what you're going through as well! It's not easy! I have told my closest two friends that I have this huge crush on another friend (they live in a different town than us). One friend was completely ok about it (her reply was "meh, lots of girls like girls"), and told me I wasn't weird at all, and shouldn't be embarrassed! The other friend (really religious) was really uncomfortable and tried to talk me out of it, and said I should try to not think about things like that anymore. Our friendship has been a bit weird ever since. I also sort of told my mom that I might be going to date girls from now on, and she wasn't weird about it. I just feel weird about it!
     
  6. jsm

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    Ha! I’m not weird at all about other people loving whomever pleases them, but I sure am weirded out about the fact I fell for a woman. We’re so often much more critical or doubtful of ourselves than of anyone else is toward us, I think!
     
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  7. Smidze

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    There is no reason to feel “weird” or “embarrassed” about the fact you like women just because you are a women. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and it is as natural as any other relationship. If you feel uneasy about it because you think others may look at you in a negative way then sadly they are the ones with the problem and need educating. Also to be honest personally i don’t and never will understand why a big fuss is made over somebody having to come out and expose their sexual preference to others...at the end of the day you don’t share or invite the world into your bed so it literally is none of their business except yours and the person you choose to be with.
     
    #7 Smidze, May 1, 2019
    Last edited: May 1, 2019
  8. Contented

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    Couldn’t agree more with the posts here, absolutely no reason to be embarrassed by the fact your gay. That you prefer women as sexual and romantic partners is strictly your business. Life is too short not to live a life that provides satisfaction. Openly embrace the lesbian you, the hell with what others think.
     
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  9. jsm

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    I agree entirely with the sentiments above that it is no one else’s business ultimately and that there is nothing wrong with being gay. There is nothing to be embarrassed about there.

    The trouble is, it’s easy to say the people who don’t support you don’t matter. It’s easy to say it’s no one else’s business. And true, no one should make a fuss about someone else’s personal life. But the reality is, we don’t live in isolation and it’s hard to break other people’s expectations. It’s hard to face the judgement of others - even when they are in the wrong. I think the anticipation of such reactions are what creates a sense of embarrassment in some of us. And as much as we want to say we don’t care, we are humans with insecurities.

    It’s ok to be honest about that struggle. It’s ok to feel embarrassed as you’re figuring yourself out. Eventually, we each have to decide who we are and to be authentic and live freely as ourselves without that embarrassment. But this embarrassment is part of the process for some of us, and it’s ok to struggle through that.
     
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  10. Smidze

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    All the fuss around coming out and in some quarters the absolute necessity for somebody to come out i find hard to grasp tbh. I mean you dont find straight people approaching somebody in the street and asking them what they had got upto the night before with their partner in the bedroom so why is there such a need for somebody who prefers same sex relationship and intimacy to openly have to tell people?
     
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  11. Peterpangirl

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    Part of the struggle for some, maybe many people, is to break free from what CAN become the emotionally crippling effect of other people's expectations of us. If we do not do this the danger is that we will live a life half in and half out of the closet, always creeping around and looking over our shoulder, fearing the negative judgements of others, rather than looking first to our own values and moral compass for guidance on how to be the most authentic, loving, joyful, most fulfilled version of ourselves.
     
    #11 Peterpangirl, May 2, 2019
    Last edited: May 2, 2019
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