Why is dating so hard

Hi, David.

I'm in a similar situation (I'm 31 and I've never dated or been in a relationship or kissed anyone etc), so I know exactly what you're going through. The cycle of browsing profiles, getting frustrated, deactivating an account and then reactivating it some weeks later can be very disheartening and isolating. I also fell in love with a co-worker (who was straight) and, although it took a long time to get over it, those feelings did eventually pass.

Instead of going on dating apps, my recommendation is to focus your attention toward feeling even more comfortable about yourself - whether it's engaging with the gay community online (which is what you're doing here, of course!), going to see a gay-related movie at the cinema, keeping a diary, joining a gay sports team, reading gay magazines or seeing a LGBT therapist.

Do whatever makes you feel more at ease with your sexuality and you certainly don't have to rush into anything: taking baby steps each day at a time is absolutely fine. It's difficult, because I'm trying to push myself out of my comfort zone and not finding it easy, but there will come a point when you'll be ready to try a different approach. And, while it may not seem like it now, you'll eventually reach a stage where coming out is the next step forward.

I'm sure that it's possible to make dating as a closeted gay man work, of course, but I can also imagine that it would put an enormous amount of pressure on both yourself and any potential partner.

 

David, I am twice your age and haven't tried to date yet. I'm still trying to get my life organized (separating from my wife and dealing with financial matters). From what I've seen, these dating apps seem to attract a lot of folks interested in just sex. You might want to get involved in LGBT support groups, LGBT athletic sport groups or gay travel venues. At least would be face to face settings. Focus on making friendships. Given time and the right conditions, a romantic spark might be struck. Don't get discouraged. There must be a lot of good guys out there, it just takes time to find the right one. *smile* Good luck my friend!

 

hi there! we're in the same boat.
so i can't give you any pro tips. however, if i can say anything it's that maybe try seeing things from a different vantage point. i mean, if looking for love online isn't giving you favorable results, then search in a different place. maybe go on a trip. explore a new city or country. expand your physical world, then you can expand your search there. nothing beats a personal experience.

 

Hey. Lots of good suggestions above. Have you considered volunteering at a local LGBQT center? A couple of my friends do this. When I've attended Pride events, they seem to know everybody. So, they are getting some exposure to the gay community. Exposure to more gay men means potential exposure to guys to get to know and date.

One of the cities about 4 hours from me has a gay hiking group. They came to my mountain town for an outing and I joined them. There were a couple dozen guys. Mostly were middle age and partnered. But, networking is important and once you are part of a community you might learn there's another single guy like you.

Good luck

 

I also think it's worth mentioning that, if there aren't any LGBT+ groups nearby, you could meet other gay men at a book club or cookery class (or any other networking group that isn't specifically aimed at the LGBT+ community). It would involve putting yourself out more than usual, but it's worth considering if you live in a small town and want to meet other gay guys. And, yes, good luck, David!

 

33 year old here, pretty much same situation... Dating sites are useless, guys in there are mostly after one night action, and if I have to be honest, some of them are quite creepy. I have tried everything free out there as I cannot afford paid dating sites, and the result is always the same. I am in the closet which makes things even worse.

 

I’m struggling with the whole dating thing too. The hookups apps give you just that: hookups. I want more than that. I just signed up to volunteer with a senior gay pride group to hopefully make some connections with the community . I’m very socially awkward, so we’ll see how it goes...

 

I hear what you're saying but please don't be so negative. A lot of people start acting on their needs or leave marriages quite a ways past 32 and do fine. If you're starting to feel comfortable with yourself, then that's a really good place to be. Like others have said, consider places and activities where you can meet people in person and not just be a face on a small glass screen.

I know that places of work provide many people to meet. Especially if it's a large employer. The workplace presents challenges where, if it doesn't work out, you still have to see the person. This is a lot easier to deal with in university. Join activities and functions that interest you. Not just to meet people but also to be engaged in something worthwhile.

 

Not sure how to make it sound good, but from your posts it seems like dating someone is the least of your problems.

If I were you, I would work on dealing with the rage that you are feeling and the fact that you are in love with someone who you haven't even dated. Even though that happens in movies quiet often, it usually points to a deeper problem when it happens in real life. A therapist would be able to help guide you to figure out where that is coming from.

I know its hard, but having a relationship is not the end all be all of life. Amazing friends and great life can be accomplished without having to date.

Coming out will also help your chances tremendously.

Really sorry you are feeling that way!

 

I get what you're feeling. I'm in my early 30's, no dating experience, no relationship, etc. Dating sites I also found depressing. You aren't alone, there are others going through this same thing. It's hard and can feel hopeless, but those feelings are not forever. It will pass. Your situation will change.

I do recommend seeing a counselor or therapist for the depression and rage. Rage could be grieving or anxiety. Learning to process and cope with the feelings will help you face the ups and downs that are inevitable in life. Moreover, always having an ally who be there, who will listen, and who will help each week is priceless.

Early summer of last year, I started hanging with a large online group of gamers who are a pretty wholesome and positive group. It has helped with the depression as I feel loved, connected, and accepted. There's a lot of LGBT+ people around my age in that group so I've been able to make friends who get it and we make stupid gay jokes. I'm at the point I'm playfully flirting with a handful of the girls (and guys) there who flirt back and compliment me. It's not like I'm dating atm, nor am I in a rush too. However I'm in a MUCH happier place than I was last winter.

My point in sharing this is things change and there are different avenues to meet people and form connections. It may take time or a bit of trial and error but you can find somewhere to conntect with others. Some of my frens have started dating through this group I'm in. Dating sites are not the only way to meet people.

 

It's okay to use the dating apps but I would not look at them as the main way you are meeting people whom you might want to date. The best way to meet people is to get out into the world doing things you like and also going to gay social events. The apps are generally a fun diversion or a hook-up tool, but not much more than that.

 

This sounds quite frustrating for you and this feed has some great suggestions and support. Many of us have spent a good portion of our lives not being accepted by our peers. Then we turn around and feel that the very community we are supposed to be "part of" can produce the same result. While I am not an expert on dating sites? Your situation is quite common today. People may say things like "be positive" or "don't overreact". These seems like simple responses to something that is more complicated. Your feelings are completely justified. They are YOUR feelings. In my observations with todays dating? Dating and social platforms have cultivated the "instant gratification" culture. While the ease of technology is partly to blame? It is the users that no longer feel the need to be accountable that are mostly responsible. People are using a "Checks and Balances" approach to meeting a partner. This type of behavior seems to be on a subconscious level. Most do not seem to be malicious with this "unrealistic selectiveness" but it is the new norm. We as a community are isolating ourselves behind screens and profiles. The "take time to work on you" seems to always be the response to someone expressing their frustration with dating. I feel the work on "YOU" is never complete and should always be explored and constantly evolving. This doesn't mean we should not takes break and reaccess for periods of time. However, you may want to ask yourself these questions.

Does this person show signs of respect?
Does this person strive to be better?
Does this person care about the well being of others?
What are my expectations and are the realistic?
Do I feel I NEED a partner or WANT a partner?

Please know that these are my thoughts and by no means are they meant to discount or criticize the opinions in this feed.
Explore your rage but also explore kindness!
I hope this helped.

 

This seems spot on.

You need to continue to do some soul searching. Before being ready to accept someone else in your life, you need to be comfortable with yourself first.

When your ready, I also agree with Nickw suggestion about alternative avenues to meet people. Whether it be LGBT charities, LGBT social groups, LGBT sport Leagues or other LGBT focused places where you can interact with others.

 

Hello everybody, it was very interesting how many things you wrote about dating apps is the same for everybody! Maybe they are made like that so we get hooked to them trying to find someone. I want to thank you for the ideas to do something else to meet people. I'm currently very busy with my job and I went back to college to study something entirely different.
Something that left me thinking was the question "Do I need a partner or do I want a partner?"
Right now I'm not sure how to answer. I think I need to stop feeling bad about myself. I need to love myself more so I can do something else. Otherwise I keep on complaining about my past, my acceptance, not coming out to my family yet, being afraid of everything, etc.
Thank you again, and keep on trying to be better.

 

This is a difficult one. I'm 43 and came out last february so YEAH it's my first anniversary year done....and it was tough. The older we get the harder it gets. I was on an app for a couple months. I even had a few hookups. But the two guys I have met have huge amounts of baggage, one is in the closet and the other is a closed book. I also got so pi**ed off I closed my profile down... I was sick of guys letting me down last minute etc....sometimes your better off with some sex toys lol....much easier....no one to argue with...
Anyway I feel David the OP may benefit from some counselling and learn to love him self.
I've gone back to loving me for a bit and f**k everyone else.....
Just be inspired, I'm getting a personal trainer soon, the new body is on its way!!!! Then hopefully the gay guys will flock to me lol....if only....

 

Good day my rainbow community!
Jeez, I feel kind of relieved and sadden at the same time after reading all of your posts.
Relieved, because I feel just the same about all those dating apps, as well as online sites - it is very difficult to meet someone in reality, you really need to worm people out of their homes. Though I live in a pretty substancial city of more than 400 000 inhabitans, I feel like am the only unicorn in the town.
Sadden since that is such extensive problem, that regards almost everyone, at least at some point in life.
I twist and wind about joining some of the LGBT community or group, but I feel scared and uncertain about it. I only come out to my friends, none of my family member know about my "condition", neither know folks at work place.
One thing is sure - going with apps any longer would not make things better or different.
How then can I find a strenght and courage to change things?
It easier to say, then to do it, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life complaining...
Any suggestions?

 

I think the dating "apps" ... by which I mean the free apps you can download to a mobile phone ... are generally used for hook-ups or for just fooling around like a video game ("swipe left, swipe right"). In other words, most of the people on there are not really interested in dating. If you want to use an online dating site I would recommend you try a site where you have to pay to participate (that will weed out a lot of the people who aren't serious) and that you use sites that have been around a long time and that emphasize that they are for people who are looking for serious relationships/dating. I've had a fair amount of luck with those more traditional and selective sites in the past.

 

I know and can appreciate exactly how you feel. I’m in my 40s now and spent years frittering time away on pointless dating sites especially where you strike up conversation and you start to think perhaps something positive could happen only to quickly realise the other person is just either a keyboard troll or somebody who thinks gay dating is just a “behind a screen” pass time.......

The toughest part is as you get older you see friends married...children...happy in life (some already settled by the time they are 23-24) and you are left completely isolated and starved of an opening to pursue happiness.
Sex feels like something thats been prohibited to you.
I personally until very recently came to the point of acceptance..where, because i had spent so long alone, i just looked on the whole thing as something that was and will never happen for me and i will die alone.

As has been suggested perhaps it is a wrong path to go chasing something false on a dating site and just attending a group or get together may be the best way forward.
I tend to think it is not essential to have to expose ones sexuality to ultimately achieve/ find a partner. You will quickly be able to spot the suitable match when the moment comes and if he/she is decent they will not judge you.

 

Attracting someone you might be interested comes down to attitude, self confidence and interpersonal skills. Nothing happens in life without effort. Dating, like so many other things, requires a conscious effort in order to be successful. This is regardless of medium or venue utilized in order to meet others. I firmly believe this. Why? Because whenever I have found myself to be single, I have been able to date successfully and meet numerous people in a positive and constructive way.

I am stating this in order to offset all of the negatively I read about dating; and its each of our responsibilities to look at ourselves rather than blame apps, the gay community or others . 80% is personal attitude and approach.