The woman I have gotten involved with is causing me a lot of angst lately. She was my catalyst for my questioning, and I’m extraordinarily drawn to her in every way. But she has a lot of difficulty dealing with our situation as it is at the moment (I’m married to a man and have two kids) because she wants me to be hers full time NOW. I know it’s hard on her. But it’s a painful mess for me too. Any time I express any feelings of hurt on my end, she bites back with any fault of mine she can. I’m struggling so much with my sexuality and what to do regarding my marriage. I don’t know if I can continue spiraling every week because of a conflict with her, even as much as she makes my heart full. It feels so unhealthy. I feel like I need to cut that relationship, but it breaks my heart to even consider it. Should I hold on? I feel pretty certain I will forsake my truth if I let her go, and continue with life as it was before her.
Stop. Cut all ties. Stop the communication. Break the bond. Harsh? Yes. But, good in the long run? Totally. When you're going through a lot yourself, concerning your sexuality and your marriage, what you need is support and good friends. Not someone who is trying to take over and dictate how you live and act. The last thing you need is extra mental anguish and tension. Cut it now. Sure, perhaps you feel indebted to her (Maybe a wrong choice of words, but I don't know what else to call t) since she helped you figure out your sexuality and stuff. But she has no right to push you down and hurt your feelings and emotions. Don't let her cause you any more pain. You don't need negativity in your life right now and she is definitely negative for you. Take care and good luck!
I was in kind of a similar situation. We werent in love and she wasnt pushy by any means. But we both had a strong bond and felt deeply for one another. However, it was so unhealthy for me too and i felt like a horrible person. Once my husband found out about her, i cut all ties and i feel better mentally while still trying to figure out who i am and what i want. I realized she was just a projection of what i want/need and was only confusing me even more. Seems the same for you. Figure yourself and your marriage out first, THEN try and find a woman to truly love if that's the route you take.
Thank you both for your responses. It really is all too much and I’ve been a person I just don’t like lately. It breaks my heart to think of cutting all ties. We became very close friends before the romantic element came into play and it’s hard to imagine not having that connection anymore. But I do know I can’t keep going on in this manner.
It’s so hard... I feel like I’ve been in your shoes and also on the other side. Has she been with other women before? Sometimes our 1st same sex relationship can be REALLY intense (thus the lesbian u-haul jokes). I’m not going to suggest you break it off altogether, but maybe a break? Just to think about your feelings and possible next steps? It could help to have a little distance for a period of time...
Be wary about leaving for another person. I know it’s not uncommon, regardless of sexuality, but I think you need to sure that this is what you want, whether she’s the woman you’re with or not (or whether you’re not in a relationship at all, but rather single after your marriage ends). You’ll be putting a lot of extra pressure on your relationship to work out. I don’t think it’s a good sign that she’s not acknowledging the hurt that you’re feeling, or the showing any consideration for the huge decisions and changes you’re considering. Do you want to start a relationship on those terms?
I would agree with this. She might have captivated you ... but in a good way, or a controlling and powerful way? Do you tend to be the more passive party in relationships and friendships? This is the opposite of something we've recently seen here on the forum. You are married with children and she wants her way in on her terms. We read of a situation where a married woman was willing to leave for an unattached woman and it was the unattached woman who did not want it to go through and backed off. Is this woman's relationship history stable or does she find partners and then move on? Is her personality stable enough? What you need is friends to support you and possibly support you through this. You may even benefit from counseling and not just counseling that has a one sided interest because the topic is LGBT but counseling that looks at what's best for you. Sometimes, things have to be worked out in the long term than in the short term. Proceed cautiously since mush is at stake and I wish you all the best.
Yes, I’m thinking a break is a good idea. I’ve tried pulling back for thinking space, but it never lasts. The difference now, I think, is that previously I pulled back because of how the situation was hurting her. Now I realize I need to for what it’s doing to me.
I agree. If I had plunged in early in then it wouldn’t been for her - I’m glad I didn’t. I definitely see that if I leave my husband I need to do it for me. I need to do it because it’s the right move for my happiness with or without her. I am pretty wrecked about her recent reaction to my hurt. It’s been a real roller coaster the last couple weeks with the two of us and I’m just not made for a life of drama. The core of questioning my sexuality alone is more internal drama than I like to have as it is.
Yes, I think all of what you say is to be considered. I think the thrill and joy of big love overshadowed some of the issues that were underneath. And I need to consider all this carefully. And her past relationships have not been healthy as far as I can tell for one reason or another. I am definitely not a passive person in my relationships, but I’m not domineering either. I don’t think she knows how to handle this middle ground personality. It causes a lot of drastic ups and downs that are making it difficult for me to work through what I need to with my sexuality and my marriage. She is significantly younger than me, and I think that’s part of all this. She is also clearly defined in her sexuality and has difficulty understanding where I am in my journey.
@jsm - speaking from my own experience, I think sometimes when we are so enamored with a woman, we put up with much more than we normally would. Just keep that in mind. I’m not saying it’s not real - of course it is, and she means so much to you. But try not to forget who you are at your core throughout all this. <hugs>
You’re right. I’m beginning to see all of that. I’ve been feeling so guilty both for what I’m doing to my husband and to how she is hurting in this process, that I’ve been taking all of it on myself. I beginning to see that I need to take care of myself more as I work through this.
