In limbo...

Out and In, I empathize with your situation since I've had some similar experiences. I agree totally with your statement about living as an out and proud gay man. I would like to get there as well, but I don't have a way to do it without going through the pain of coming out to my family, dissolving the marriage, and worrying about their well being as well as mine. That is why our challenges are unique.

I was the same as you, I could no longer have sex even when I fantasized about men or primed myself with gay porn. I tried to hold it together, but it isn't fair to either person. It was painful to tell my wife that I was gay. But, now that I have taken that step, I can move to the next step and eventually I can envision my future life as an out gay man.

I hope you can find a way....I took some solace in knowing that there are other people out there in my situation, so I hope this may do the same for you.

 

What do you think is causing your hesitation to tell your wife you are gay? I feel like it would be easier for her to accept that than to for her to think you two aren’t together solely because of the other issues between you. At least that’s how I look at my relationship with my husband... yes, we have issues... but we could go to marriage counseling and work on them. We have. But knowing that I’ll never be fully sexually engaged with him, now that cannot be worked out. And it’s not his fault.

Btw, I related to you saying that you did get some sexual enjoyment out of being with women, if only for the physical connection. I feel the same when I am with my husband. Sometimes it feels good to be with SOMEONE, right? But also you know it’s like, a shadow of what it could be.

 

It takes a lot of time to come to this realization. Like you, I was trying to keep things together because I rationalized that the relationship was about more than sex. We had a lot of other things that contributed to a nice life and I suspect you may be focusing on the fear of losing the things in which you take comfort. It is a huge risk to leave something, even if it is not perfect, not knowing what lies ahead. I'm trying to envision a life as an out gay man and telling myself that I still feel young, so I can experience a relationship and sex in the way I think I was meant to do it. Your spouse will also feel a big loss, so she may suspect but may not want to bring it either. Or, she is ignoring the signs because it too difficult to face.

It is not easy, but I told myself that once I took this step, I could get on with it.

Meanwhile, think about what you need to do to focus on self care during this stressful period. It is easy to spiral with all of these thoughts and forget to look after yourself.

 

This is so similar to my story. As time went on after acknowledging I was truly gay I couldn’t get hard with my then gf even thinking of guys. My longing to be with a guy was so intense I couldn’t function in a straight relationship any longer I was losing it. Liberating myself from heterosexuality and completely embracing an openly gay lifestyle provided me with release and freedom I required. In retrospect I realize I never really cared for women, found sex with them disgusting and for years buried these feeling so deep that even i didn’t realize it. Of course it wasn’t the fault of the women it was me and my inability to embrace my same sex attraction until much later in life.

 

This has been simmering away for a while hasn't it and certainly since you first joined Empty Closets. I really think your decision to leave is for the best, even if it has caused the two of you some heartache.

Let's consider the reality of your situation:

You are three years into your marriage and there is already a huge chasm between the two of you. Almost from the beginning things were wrong and you have spent much of the three years self sabotaging the marriage and using gay porn as a sexual release.

The suspicions about your sexuality are well established already and the fact that sex has totally dried up and you have been sleeping in separate beds will only amplify those suspicions. The only thing that hasn't happened so far, is for you to confirm the suspicions.

You told L8bloomer that the hesitation comes from a fear of loss, but isn't it the reality that loss has already occurred? In many ways your marriage is irreparably broken and there is no way of recovering the loss. You are losing the opportunity to be authentic and date/have sex with other men and she is losing the opportunity to do the same. You recognise all of this anyway.

Your wife has been asking if you are going to separate or work things out and maybe you could ask her to attend couples counselling with you to facilitate an answer to that question. It seems most likely that you will separate, but counselling will help both of you to find a mature and healthy way to do so, that is based around truth and honesty. It's up to you, but I would highly recommend it.

 

By the sounds of it, it would be best if you both just separate and go your separate ways. Like other people have expressed, it would be better stress wise, and it will allow you, and her to get on with your lives so that you may find happiness, and fulfilment elsewhere.

 

Out and In, I think I could have written this entire post myself except the part about revealing my sexuality before I married. I still tried to convince myself that I was straight. But you really put it well in terms of how I feel gay based on my thoughts, feelings, desires, and reactions. I am thinking about it more clearly now and it is comforting to hear someone else articulate the same struggle.

This is indeed a heartbreaking decision and I have made it myself. I think you will feel some relief once you get there just because it will give you a clear path forward. Good luck to you.

 

Hey Out and In couldn’t have described it better. After years of having straight sex the idea of a vagina now just grosses me out. Was on a mixed beach recently and apparently women now wear just about nothing on, it’s was disgusting with just a tiny triangle cover them. We had to leave just so so gross. Truly don’t know how i it managed for so long. Could never ever be with a woman again. Like you I find the penis so desirable and sensual. No comparison in my estimation. Now being able to compare I believe the saying that only a man can truly satisfy another man. I am so comfortable gay, it’s been over 2 years and I am still experiencing the liberation and freedom of openly living my homosexuality. I can say without guilt or shame that I love men as sexual and emotional partners and don’t need women in any way to feel complete. From my small vantage point it’s seems more and more men are beginning to acknowledge their homosexuality later in life. It seems our ranks are slowly growing as more men bravely embrace their true gay selves. It is a shame many of us suffered with compulsory heterosexuality and toxic masculinity before seeing the light.

 

I'm not sure that making women undesirable is, necessarily, a good idea to justify, or validate, our same sex desires and attractions. I think it might be more beneficial to think about how much you did enjoy the intimacy you shared with your wife even though you really feel that you are gay and will find intimacy with a man more fulfilling. You don't have to diminish something in order to appreciate something else. Life is about choices we make at the time and we can't go back. It's OK to say "I know this is what I needed" rather than to say "that was horrible".

I also really cringe at the reducing of either a man or a woman to their sexual organs. It seems so objectifying. It also might make it easier to fall into a pattern of disrespecting our spouses when we do this. These are people that we still love.

In all honesty. I don't really care for the appearance of either a penis or a vagina. And, the people I've had the best sex with don't really care either. My boyfriend and I laugh at the guys who show off their stuff like it is something to be proud of. If someone wants to judge me by my penis, then I have no interest in them.

Most of my straight friends are not disgusted by male nudity. I don't understand why gay guys so often are disgusted by female nudity? I wonder if this is some sort of coping mechanism?

 

NickW, please don’t interpret my comments as anti women. That was not the intention. I respect their intelligence, poise, along with many other attributes and I do find some female faces beautiful however I am just not interested in them as sexual and emotional partners.
I was never totally comfortable with female nudity and now not at all. Not sure it’s a coping device but rather an aesthetic.
Without a doubt I prefer the male body, find it exciting and have no issue with male nudity whatever. Can’t say the same for a female body. After years hiding my true orientation and preferences I am no longer pretending anything, making excuses or finding fault in the new gay me.

 

Contented. I was only partially responding to your post. Several other comments also have been mentioned in recent posts about men who are coming to terms with their sexuality and mentioning how sex with women is unappealing for one reason or another. I think we have to be really respectful of those relationships we had/have and the person that we had those relationships with instead of finding fault or diminishing them to second class sexual beings (not your words). It just doesn't allow us to move forward when we do this. For those that are trying to navigate Mixed Orientation Marriages MOM or trying to come out to our wives I feel we should be very careful not to fall into this trap of deciding we are repulsed by hetero sex even though we spent decades in opposite sex relationships.

I have noticed a difference between how gay men view women and how straight guys view women (talking adults here) . I just don't ever hear my straight friends even mention vaginas in any sort of a conversation. Yet, I have gay friends ask me if I am still into them and then act like it is gross. All sex can be a really beautiful thing and how it can enhance a relationship is something that is of so much value. Maybe this is a reaction to society telling us that gay sex is sinful and there, certainly, are a lot of jokes about gay sex. We are taught that gay sex is disgusting and dirty. So, I can see what my gay friends are reacting to.

 

Please understand that this only my personal opinion and I have no special insight or training to offer judgements but it certainly sounds as if your gay. Staying in your marriage and being miserable doesn’t sound like a viable solution. Guilt trips also don’t help the situation as your wife seems to want to inflict. The decision has to be one that in the end brings you the peace of mind you seek. It sounds like that would be with another man however that is just my take on your complex situation. I wish clarity as you make these life changing decisions.

 

It sounds like you are taking steps, which is great! Being out of the house will give you some space to think clearly, regardless of the outcome. And it’s definitely good that you are broaching this subject so early into your marriage. Not that the three years you’ve been together isn’t long, but from those of us who “woke up” further in, I definitely wish I had known sooner.

 

@Contented - as a woman, I was not offended by your thoughts on vaginas. I had to laugh as I thought about how awesome I think they are!

@Nickw - I also get what you’re saying about not judging a gender strictly based on our organs. It’s so complex, isn’t it? For me, there is definitely something so beautiful and appealing about the curves and softness of a woman’s body... yet I can appreciate a nice looking man, and if I’m being honest, penetration does physically feel good. But all this is not just about what’s between our legs. It’s a spirit and part of who we are... a femininity or masculinity that helps define us. That plays hugely into the emotional intimacy, at least for me.

 

This quote from your latest post really stood out for me. It's a firm admission that you struggled with your sexuality throughout your formative years and right into your twenties and thirties, before finally coming out at 39. It's clear that the closet was suppressing you all of that time, and even though you had occasional flings with the opposite sex the strength of your desire for men always came to the fore, and so it has been since you regressed and made the decision to marry your wife. It should now be apparent that any steps you take to resist your deeper feelings (for men) will come undone and cause you long term unhappiness.

You said you wanted completeness in hetero society, but it really sounds like you are even more incomplete now. Marriage hasn't worked, sexual intimacy has become impossible - removing any potential for children (in the usual sense, at least). Far from experiencing completion, you have perhaps found yourself at your lowest ebb.

It would be easy to respond to your wife's unhappiness and distress by returning home, but if you look at it from a wider perspective you will only prolong misery for the two of you in doing so. Happiness will only be possible once you are both living with authenticity and as things stand that does not apply.