Hello, I have been living as an out bisexual woman my entire adult life. I am married to a man, and I am free to date women as I wish. I came out to my husband as gay this weekend. I broke down crying apologizing over and over. I told him I want to marry a woman. Despite the freedom of an open relationship, I want a monogamous committed relationship with a woman. I am torn because I care deeply for him, but I don't know if I can keep this up much longer.
I’m in a place where I wonder if my husband would agree to an open marriage as you have now. But I doubt it will be a permanent solution for us - partly because of having a woman in my life already who wants a future together and partly because I struggle to see how that can satisfy us both long term. So, in my imaginary world, I’m where you are It’s hard to imagine leaving someone who is good to you and who you have built a life with. But if you are no longer happy with the situation as it is - even with the freedom you have - then you have to listen to that. Surely you will come across a really wonderful woman who wants you full time (if you haven’t already). When that happens, all the freedom in the world within your marriage isn’t going to help.
My situation isn’t exactly the same, but there are similarities. Isn’t it funny how even with the ability to be with women, something within you still wants the full commitment with a woman? There are folks on these boards who do the open marriage thing and it works for them. My husband was ok with it and it worked well, until I fell in love with her and wanted a life with her. So, I get how you’d feel that way. How did your husband react?
I understand, I think I'm very similar. Though I'm still attracted to men something within me yearns for a relationship with another woman. I remember when I was younger and I would cling to my girlfriends, usually 1 specific friend I wanted to myself. It wasn't exactly sexual so I didn't put 2 and 2 together.
My husband just wants me to be happy. So it really was a best case scenario. I am finding it incredibly difficult to be intimate with him, which is causing a great deal of guilt for me. Also we don't have children yet, which after reading through these posts I empathize for those of you with children
I feel the same way about my husband. Frankly, if sex wasn’t so important to him, I think we could live happily ever after without it. But as it is, I’ve been talking myself into sex with him for years - I just didn’t understand why until recently. It is not a situation that has ever gotten easier. The question you have to ask is, realistically, what kind of wear is it going to have on you to have sex with your husband if you are entirely disinterested in it and/or how will it wear on him to no longer have sex in his marriage? It’s likely those are the options you are faced with if you stay.
Welcome to EC. Well done on being open with your husband. That was incredibly brave. I hope he is being understanding, even though it must be a difficult time for him also. Don’t force yourself to be more intimate with your husband than you are comfortable with. Perhaps suggest a break? You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Give yourself some time to think and process your feelings. There’s no rush. I had this same thought so many times. I went through the motions of having sex with my partner because I felt that had to in order to keep the relationship going. It got harder...it was confusing...it made me second guess my sexuality...it was horrible. It’s not something that that we’ve ever discussed, but he must have been aware that I wasn’t enjoying it. Eventually it stopped and we’ve not had sex for over a year. I couldn’t do it now. Having said that...sex is just part of a relationship and in reality, we’re not any happier with the sex removed, than we were with it there. There’s not an emotional connection or closeness, we don’t talk about anything other than day-to-day stuff and we don’t support each other. Even without the sex, it’s miserable. It’s not what I want from a relationship. I’ve always found it hard to picture myself being “romantic” with a man, I just didn’t see men that way, or having a husband as a best friend and him being person I shared everything with. It always seemed like an odd concept to me.
This so true. As I came to acknowledge my same sex attraction I thought I could live a comfortable double life as bisexual male. However it soon became apparent I wanted a committed gay relationship and nothing else would satisfy me. It certainly wasn’t her fault in any way however that didn’t change anything. Even if my relationship with my then long term girlfriend was sexless it wouldn’t have worked. I needed to embrace my homosexuality openly and completely.
Yes, I think this would be the eventual reality for my husband and me, too. But I also don’t think he’d last a year in that scenario. And ultimately, as I figure myself out more, I doubt I could either.
I can’t speak for my partner, but for myself, I felt that I wouldn’t last either - I felt that three years ago. It’s been more out of necessity than choice. If I’d had the means (and mindset) needed to leave earlier, then I would have done.
My husband suggested a month break from sex, so I don't feel pressure. He also thinks this may be a phase so I agreed to go speak to a counselor (although I am also a counselor). I am the financial provider, and I am accepting a job in the far north, so I will time away to reflect. Do any of you struggle with leaving knowing your spouse is financially dependent? I suggested alimony so he could finish school, if we do divorce. He said no to that. I've been buying meals for him every night since I told him, I'm feeling so guilty.
Yes. I’m also the breadwinner. My husband literally just started a new job today, but hasn’t worked full time in the past 5 years. He had no education and very little initiative. He had to learn the hard way that good jobs don’t come easy, and he ended up going back to attend a trade school (I co-signed his loans). I feel like I had to push him, but ultimately it will help him be better able to stand on his own feet (I was just thinking earlier it’s almost like parenting). That being said, I was talking with two friends who had been through divorce and they strongly urged me to have a lawyer look at my financial situation and make some suggestions. My guilt and love for my husband would probably lead me to give away a lot to him. And maybe that would be the right thing at first, but at some point he may not need that much. So that feels a little yucky but I don’t disagree that I should at least keep that in mind. Regardless, I’ve already accepted that I’ll most likely be paying alimony for a little while...
