Sigh, what a journey this has been for me. I have bounced all over the kinsey scale and now I'm 35 and still confused. I would use the label bisexual if I had to. Basically my feelings for women tend to take time to develop - goes from emotional then to physical. My feelings for men are very sexual and start with a physical attraction then to emotional. Currently I can't stop thinking of being in a relationship with another woman. But when I connect with my husband I'll start thinking about him and our again and when I go to the gym, my eyes are on the men. Basically if I didn't have these feeling for women I'd be straight. It's a confusing life. I just can't stop being with a woman at the moment and I'm really nervous that if I do that what happens when I have feelings for a man?
I'm just wondering, given that you're aware of your attraction to both men and women, why don't you identify with the bisexual label? You say that you're able to connect with your husband and that you find yourself drawn to the men in your gym, and none of that invalidates your attraction to women. Being a bisexual woman doesn't mean you love women less than lesbians do, just that you're able to love women in addition to men. It also doesn't mean that you don't experience attraction to women just because you're married to a man. I'm a big believer that sexuality is a spectrum, and that most people aren't exclusively straight or gay (although there are plenty of people who are), and I think sexuality can be fluid for some people, but typically people who use the lesbian label are trying to convey a lack of attraction to men and attraction to women. So there are some self identifying lesbians who aren't all the way on the gay end of the spectrum, but near enough to it that they feel lesbian suits them better than bisexual, as their attraction to men is almost (or completely) non-existent, and if it even is there, it's not something they want to pursue.
Hi thank you, your response really resonated with me. I think I'm at the point where my feelings have become so strong for women that I won't be able/want to act on my feelings for men again. In the past my feelings have been very strong for guys. I have fallen in love, had countless amounts of sexual attraction etc. Just seems like my feelings for women are so much stronger now. Men are barely on my radar.
I'm inclined to agree with Leah061 and I would caution you against 'pigeon-holing' yourself while there is so much uncertainty and emotional turbulence. It's perfectly alright to say you are bisexual now and re-evaluate at a later stage, if necessary, and bisexuality is no less valid that straight or gay/lesbian. It's certainly not a lesser label. Everything you have described would fit perfectly with the experience of many people who are bisexual. It's really not the case that bisexual people are flipping between men and women constantly. At this stage you are experiencing a strong connection to women, but it doesn't sound like men are totally out of the picture, even if your feelings for them have waned considerably. If you go ahead and label yourself as lesbian now, it may feel as though you are closing the door on the opposite sex completely and that can make it incredibly difficult if feelings do return in future. Rowing back from a position of exclusive attraction to one sex or another is not an easy thing to do.
It's probably also perfectly okay to not know how to label yourself just yet. Even though I'm still generally confused also, I'm presently comfortable with labeling myself bisexual, but went from straight, to asexual, to bisexual, to now possibly being lesbian since I've realized I have a lot less interest in men period since dealing with my childhood abandonment and abuse issues. That's just an example of how these things can evolve. Much luck to you!
No it's not easy to go back and forth at all. I have been doing that all my life and it's just too much. I feel like in the end I may end up in some kind of polyamorous relationship. My feelings for men in the past have been very strong, I love guys a lot. But the feelings for women just seem so much stronger. As a teenager i remember thinking I was in love with my best friend but i would get sick of her and travel back to boys. I couldn't go very long without having sex with guys eventhough i loved her very much. I've never sexually been with a woman nor fantasized about it, my go to is love within my husband or a lusty crush. This is just really confusing. Are my feelings super strong for women because I havent acted on them? Will this ever level out?
I really don’t know if this will help, but anyway... Going off the title...As somebody who identifies as lesbian and has had sex with a man, it’s something I find incredibly boring. Like fall asleep boring. Awkward. I was never into it, never really knew what to do as I didn’t want to touch my partner, and when I fantasied about men, they were pretty much always full dressed and imaginary strangers. I never felt that way about a real life man. Having said that...when I first realised my sexual attraction to women, I had a few months or so where it felt like I couldn’t think about anything else. It has settled, so as you’ve said above, it might “level out”. Though, I know you’ve said that you’ve felt this before. Is there any particular pattern? Anything that sets it off? It’s interesting that you don’t fantasise about women, despite having such strong feelings. Does your mind just not go there or do you avoid it? If you tried it, would your mind drift to men?
Hi, I think I don't fantasize about women because of the inexperience and it doesn't turn me on as fast as thinking of myself with a man. In the past I have craved sex with men and loved it. I don't know what's happening to me. I just can't get women off my mind so now it's really hard to think of marriage/relationships with guys. I have some extreme urges to go off and be in a relationship with another woman. Nothing else seems to matter at the moment but being with another woman.
Sigh, I find sexuality (my sexuality) really confusing. I'm attracted to my coworker who's a man and can't seem to get him off my mind if I keep interacting with him. He's the top of my thoughts atm, it's a lusty attraction. Then there's my husband who I picture my life with and love very much. I get a happy mushy feeling and pull to him when I think of him. Even more if connect with him. Then there's these bubbling feelings about women that seem to compete with this lust for this guy. They go way over the feelings for my husband and kind of knock them off. If i dwell on them they can make me think I'm a lesbian again. I guess this is my confusing bisexuality...how does anyone live like this.
I honestly am right there with you. It’s confusing! I have had thoughts about men and women today both of which were extremely intense and arousing in different ways. Like I said, I’m bisexual, so it’s just something I am trying to learn to work with. But yeah, I feel you it’s definitely not easy to sort through. But I mean, you don’t have to choose you know. You can have multiple partners of both sexes if you so choose. I prefer to just be with women but if you feel the desire to be with both that’s a real option.
Honestly I think you're bisexual. I've had difficulties with that too. Keep in mind that you've been living with your husband for a while. And that it's totally possible to fall in love with other people even if you love your husband. And that such a new love can feel more intense. The reason I had difficulties with it is because I didn't understand it. You're into both but your mind wants to choose one or the other. Which is impossible if your bisexual so you keep trying. It's one of the reasons I thought I was perhaps gay too at some point. But I'm not. I just had to learn to understand my attractions better. And that at different periods of time (and in my case sometimes at the same time) you can feel attracted to people of different sexes. And that that's not a contradiction. It's like you can have periods that you like vanilla ice cream and then chocolate ice cream (and in my case at some point in time it was both at the same time but not everybody falls in love with different people at the same time). I hope this helped. I've been seeing a therapist for this and other problems and it helped a lot.
