My next milestone will need to be coming out to my kids. They are both teenagers/young adults. I think their generation is very comfortable with LGBTQ people and issues. They know gay people through school and other channels. But, I know it will be big shock to tell them I am gay and I need to be prepared for a range of reactions. I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through this experience and any advice you have. I am not in a big hurry, I have a few days/weeks to prepare, but i don't want to drag it out. I want to think through what to tell them, be prepared for their reactions, and answer their questions as best I can.
swimman68.....I came out here on empty closets in December of 2014, finally accepting that I am and always have been gay. A serious health issue lead to a surgery with a high chance of paralysis and/or death. I felt that I needed to go over a lot of information with my oldest son in case he had to take care of his mother. I also decided that I would come out to him rather than force my wife to keep the secret. It was very difficult. My son is the pastor of a conservative church. It went much better than I thought it would...both he and his wife accepted me which was so amazing. His comment afterward was that the fact that I had never cheated on my wife/his mother made a big difference to him. So, it can go well. So much depends on your relationship with your son as well as your relationship with your wife. Yes, our kids have grown up on a world that is more accepting and that is wonderful...but it's still a difficult thing to tell your kids that you are not straight. .....David
I was extremely worried about telling my young adult (20s) kids, but it went ok, if awkward. I’m now about two months into a relationship and thy have met him a couple times and hit it off. The awkwardness seems to fade and eventually becomes the norm I guess.
Thanks for your advice David. I am glad your situation ended up being good. That is a good comment on the fidelity in your relationship. I am glad that I can say the same thing, so I think I can try to articulate that they are important to me and I was trying to do the honorable thing.
I struggled with this as well. I had a teenager and a 5 year old. Their father and I got divorced after 13 years so I waited a while to tell them. I told them separately and it went well. I told my teenager a couple years after the divorce. I had a "friend" that had been coming around a lot and somehow my daughter and I got on the topic of a friend of hers being gay. I asked her how she felt and she said it didnt bother her so I kinda blurted out that I had a gf. She said she already knew and she was ok with it but she didnt want me to tell her who it was (although she already knew). I never really told her who either, she just knows and accepts it and still loves me and my gf! My youngest was different. I told her probably about 4 years after the divorce but she already knew too I think. We had a girls day and I brought up my gf and how much fun we all have together. I told her that I loved Gretchen (the gf) and she looked at me confused. I said "you know Gretchen's my gf right" and she just said ok real slow. I asked her if she was ok with that and she said "I think so" then changed the subject. I didn't push the topic and although we're never really discussed my and gretchen's relationship she is ok with us. Everyone's kids are different. I researched many ways of how to do it correctly, read horror stories of how kids disowned their parents, and stories with happy endings. For my personal situation I'm glad I waited. I hope everything goes well for you!!
Nice to see these responses. I also have two teenager children that I have to come out to very soon. Hiding in the closet is causing me anxiety every day. It will be a big relieve to finally get it over with and live my life openly gay.
I appreciate you posting this since I started the original thread. It looks like we are about the same age and in the same position. This is still a struggle for me since we haven’t quite figured out the right timing. I am very conflicted since I really would like to just get it over with and move forward. But, I want to be sensitive to adding stress at the end of a school year and with other things going on. I can’t figure out what is better, I am just searching for a time when I can talk to them and then maybe have some down time for a day or two to allow them to process and discuss without being distracted. There doesn’t seem to be an ideal time. I am just ready to be out and feel like once I get past this step I can move on.
Just me talking, but if you've raised your Children to be non-judgmental it shouldn't be a big deal. I identify as GenderFluid and have known and lived with this for over 15 years now, mostly closeted. About 4 years ago my wife at the time told me that I should come out to my kids (wife and immediate family knew already) and I was a nervous wreck over it. So with a little prompting we sat down with them (ages 12 and 17 at the time) and just told them. Didn't make a big deal out of it, because to do so would imply that it was wrong or something to be ashamed of. There was a little bit of adjustment more from my Son who is the youngest but it really was a Non-Event. Now when I'm at home I generally am in women's clothes and the kids don't even bat an eye (they both still live at home). So if your kids are open-minded about sexuality and gender it is very likely that coming out is more of an issue to you than it will be to them. Again, just my take on it and you know your kids better than anyone.
I would offer that waiting until school is out might be a good thing. Even if your children are non judgmental or homophobic, this is a parent. This is personal, and they may go through a period of feeling their whole life is a lie, that they were never meant to be, etc. You have already thought about them being affected by this, go with your instinct. It may not be traumatic for them or it could be. Just my opinion.
