Desperate and Confused

Hello MarkusK
WOW, all I can say is that your opening tread and all your replies to this thread could have been written by me.
I’m Still married to a woman probably never be intimate with a another man because of my wife.
I can’t offer any advice only support, for me not acting on my desires is hard
All the best
Adz

 

Where I am (Toronto) we have a great community centre in the heart of the gay village, and they host weekly meetings for people who have just come out or are trying to come out. I've reached out to them and am planning to attend the next meeting I can (unfortunately their meetings conflict with some work obligations). I sort of see that as a real life extension of this site, if that makes any sense.

I got a really nice response from one of the co-ordinators. They assured me that there will be people in my age group and it is about 15 to 20 who attend the meetings. I'm really looking forward to getting to know and sharing with people who are experiencing what I am. It feels like a much safer and less intimidating experience than diving into a gay bar!

I didn't check to see where you live, but maybe there is something similar?

 

I understand that!

This is moving much faster for me than I thought it would, but I don't mean that in a negative way. I feel very supported and encouraged here, and I'm feeling very happy and invigorated in where I am. So I feel that I have good momentum that feels right for me. I'm sure there are some bumps that I haven't yet anticipated, but for now I'm riding the wave and am really eager to meet new people where I can be myself. But I should try not to be too pushy for others, and I hope I didn't come across that way. I think I'm just feeling very positive and excited.

I'm sure you'll find your people. I'm rooting for you!

 

It really sounds like you are thinking it through, which is the most important part. Get clarity for yourself and then you can work out your relationships and what you want for the future. It is amazing what going through this thought process will do for you. I found great comfort in coming the conclusion that I am gay, but it took me the same agonizing mental thought exercises. I wish I had found this board way sooner because I get clarity from hearing from all of you going through similar things. I really did not even want to explore forums like this one until I got to some conclusion.

It sounds like you are in a positive place, good for you, and keep us updated!

 

This has been a concern for me, but something I just cannot do anything about. I think about what it would have been like if I had come out in my 20s. But, now that I am 50, it will be different. I still feel young and have some good years left, so I am looking forward to making the most of it.

 

I think part of what pushed me to come out was that I felt I was running out of time. Now, that I am out and engaging the gay community, I find that I have plenty of time left in my life to experience the gay aspects of my sexuality. In a way, I am so glad I didn't experience this in my twenties. My junior high boyfriend became HIV positive in the eighties. He survived, but so many of his friends died.

My boyfriend is a lot younger than me. My experience in knowing how to be a giving lover is what he likes about me. It's not my body or my looks. This is something that us older guys have. I think it can be a mistake to decide we will continue to hide our sexuality because we do not feel we have value as a sexual being in the gay community. It, simply, isn't true.

There is a lot of life to live still and a lot of love to share.

 

This is fantastic to hear and I am very happy for you. I am worried about integrating into the gay community, meeting people, and being accepted, This gives me hope for the future, so thank you so much for sharing.

 

This is when I wish I lived in a larger city. I don't think the gay community is as large here and not as many resources. It isn't zero, but I don't envision finding anything like this group. I think it is great that you are connecting with like-minded people in your age group. I would love to hear how this goes for you.

 

Hi Marcus
To answer your question about where I find exactly where I’m at sexually, is also difficult, I have come to the conclusion I’m gay through many years of self analysis.
When I think back over my life I’ve always been sexually attracted to males,
I’ve never masturbated over women , I’ve never enjoyed watching straight porn
To get aroused with my wife I’ve always had to imagine I was with a man.
The clincher for me is this, when I’m at the beach my eyes automatically go to the surfer men and not the bikini clad woman.
To help me deal with my homosexuality is this site, I visit here a few times a week and I use it as my therapy
Keep well
Adrian

 

I'm willing to be the guinea pig in this and report back on how it goes!

It is a volunteer run group hosted at the community centre ( it's called The 519 if you want to Google that + Toronto to see what they do). I know quite a bit about them because I work at a different community centre, but their work is broadly known .

I will admit to a bit of nerves about being judged about coming late in life and identifying as bi rather than gay. But at the same time, I'm absolutely certain that everyone in that group probably felt judged and nervous and I'm sure they'll be a sympathetic and encouraging group. I'm also a bit shy, but that is a whole other thing that I think will be countered by points of common interest.

All that is to say that if there is any sort of gay community where you are, I would encourage you to seek them out. They'll have no interest in making you feel ashamed or scared, because they've all lived with some shame or fear at one point. I'm sure I'll be as relieved to find similar experiences to mine there as I do on this forum.

 

I don't believe that you need to experience sex with a man to understand if you are bisexual or gay. Let me ask you this. When you see your "type" of man how does it make you feel? There is a type of guy that I am attracted to. When I see him I feel almost a hunger for lack of a better term. It is not related to any sexual act either. It's not like I think I would like to "f" that guy or anything like that. It is just a yearning. I feel the same thing for the right woman.

But, I did need to experience m2m sex to understand how much I needed that in my life. As it turns out I am OK with having intimacy with a man or not. But, I would never give up how it makes me feel when I see the right guy. I also am not the least bit interested in casual sex any longer. My friend and I have done some casual play with another couple and I didn't like it. And, these guys are my type.

After I came out and started having intimacy with other men I found it was very unsatisfying. I would long for it and then always be disappointed until I met a guy that I really connected with. You may find the same thing. That casual intimacy is not what you really need. So, I don't know that "trying on gay" really works.

 

Hi Markus,
As you can see from my previous posts I’ve never been intimate with a man, though every time I hug a another man I get butterflies in my stomach, I go weak at the knees all the usual feelings that You read about. Also just recently, I meet up with an old friend I hadn’t seen for a couple of years , we hugged and he planted a kiss on my cheek, that peck on the check was the most wonderful kiss I have ever had!
Before I was married there has been that many times that I have wanted to reach out tand kiss or make out with a man that I fancied, I just fought the urge. Even on my bachelor party I stayed with my best man at his house after our night out, and with all my will power I resisted a powerful urge just to lean over and kiss him, I still have sexual feeling for him, he just turns me on! LOL

 

Truth be told. What I like most about my boyfriend is the spontaneous and passionate sex. There is no "warming up" as you suggested although we do spend hours cuddling on the sofa too. But, we have only been together six months and he is a generation younger than I am. So, he has lots of energy. Which I need. Sex is so easy. But, my wife and I were like that when she was younger. She just out grew it and I didn't. Part of why she is OK with my boyfriend. She knows this about herself and she is OK with that and isn't jealous...as long as I cuddle for hours with her too.

My question for you is this...If your wife would, suddenly, be more sexual, would that be enough for you? When you see yourself, as an old man, sitting on your porch watching the sun set, do you see yourself with your wife reflecting on how great this life has been? Or, do you see that person being a man? I ask myself this and I see my wife. But, I also know that if my boyfriend were 25 years older and I was single I could see him there. My brother never could picture anyone but a man next to him even before he really recognized he was gay.

You say that you are committed to your marriage. You have also indicated that your sex life is less than what you would like. Have you discussed this with her? Maybe she is not being fulfilled either? This all may, or may not, be related to your sexuality. But, I found that my hidden desires kept me from being vulnerable as a lover with my wife and even though we don't engage in sex as frequently as I would like the sex is much better now. You may find this ability to be vulnerable will also allow you to perhaps come out to her someday.