I've been talking to a guy over ###### occasionally, who frequently comes to work in a nearby town so we usually appear in each other's radars and chat. One of these days, he's suggested me to have sex with him. I agreed, but asked that we test first. He was fine with that. The next day, I went to a clinic and got tested. My results were negative. I messaged him right away and asked if he got tested, to which he replied that I was being too demanding, that there was no need for him to get tested because he had only had a couple of hook-ups since his last check up 3-4 months before, that that's not enough for him to catch HIV, that I was being paranoid, that testing just for me would be too much of an inconvenience for him, etc. I tested not only for HIV, but for other STI. He, on the other hand, didn't want to do anything but still wanted sex and asked me to come over assuring me that there was no need to fear. I decided not to, so we ended our conversation at that point. Was he right that I was asking for too much? Have you ever asked someone to do those tests and have you done them for anyone? What would you think of such a request?
Hi Ex Ponto It is awesome that you are being safe. You have all the rights to ask your partner to be tested. It is not too much to ask, it is just common sense. I myself asked my boyfriend to get tested the moment we talked about having sex. Stay safe, dear and get tested frequently!
I think it is totally reasonable to ask someone to do tests, especially since we are talking about a hookup. You are just being careful, because you care about your own health, and that's completely fair. Most guys on hookup apps don't test often (some never do, unfortunately), but, like mothers use to say, the fact that most people don't care about their health doesn't mean you shouldn't. Although the risk varies depending on many factors, such as the sexual activity, the use (or not) of condoms and other factors, a single hookup can get you infected. So, saying that "just a couple of hookups is not enough to catch HIV" is a stupid excuse, especially since you cannot know for sure if that guy is using condoms or not while hooking up with others. Besides, if that guy isn't respecting your point and the fact that you are being careful about your own health, I think that's a problem. I may be reading too much into it, but I also think it is weird that he accepted to do the tests at first, but then complained when you asked him about his tests. After all, if he did agreed in doing these tests, the fact that you would ask him about that should be expected, right? Finally, you should be comfortable in having sex with someone, and you shouldn't let others pressure you into doing something you aren't comfortable with.
Yes, if you expect to enter an ongoing relationship. If this individual is reluctant, then you should ask yourself some questions about whether this person is trustworthy. I did not care for his evasive answer. I think your idea is a smart one. Depending on your age, you should also receive the vaccinations for Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, and HPV (human papilloma virus). It will get those out of the way and those can also be transmitted sexually.
Run away from anyone who doesn't want to get tested. This is someone who is either already HIV positive or is careless about his own health. And by the way... he's wrong. People can get infected with HIV from a single unprotected encounter, especially if the person they are with is newly positive, as that is usually when the viral load is highest. Also, the idea of simply having someone get tested and that making them safe to have sex with is a flawed idea. Here's why: It takes a while after one is infected for the HIV tests to show a positive result. Depending on the type of test, anywhere from about 12 to 30, sometimes 60 days. The rapid tests (saliva, pin prick on a swab) aren't reliable until about the 30 day mark, and this is because they are testing for the antibodies that develop to HIV, not to HIV itself. The most sensitive test looks for virus, and is accurate at about 12-14 days, but is also way more expensive ($200 if cash pay). Meantime... let's say somebody was tested last week, and had three unprotected hookups since then. And one of the people he was with was HIV+ and infected him. Now the virus is replicating massively, because there's nothing to stop it from replicating, because the body's immune system hasn't yet produced antibodies. So this person, that had a negative test result last week may suddenly have an enormous viral load, and if he has unprotected sex with you, there's a good likelihood he could infect you. And if he takes a test again the day after, he'll still show negative for HIV. So unless someone has been tested, has not had sex with anyone in the 30 days after the test, you cannot have any reliable way of knowing if he is still HIV-. This is where PrEP comes in. If you are on PrEP, take it consistently and reliably and never miss doses, it will provide a pretty high (but not absolute) degree of protection from HIV. You should still use condoms while on PrEP, and if it were me, I'd still be cautious and not go and have tons of random hookups... but that's just me. Others with higher risk tolerance may feel differently. In all circumstances, even with someone you've been with for months or longer, there's no excuse for not using condoms. This doesn't say "I don't trust my partner"; it says "people are human and make mistakes, and aren't always ready to own up to them in the moment. This way, we're sure we're both always looking out for each others' best interests. You can also, if in a long term relationship, stay on PrEP, though... I, personally, would be uncomfortable taking a fairly liver-toxic drug every day for years at a time. Reports so far say it is safe, but often we don't really know until decades later. I don't like to scare people, but I also hate it when people misunderstand and give themselves a false sense of safety. Getting back to this guy... I'd stay away. He isn't concerned about your health, and that's a huge warning sign.
It's completely ok. Remember it's your health, you decide how much of a risk you want to take Some people may get offended but thats up to them. I'd ditch the guy as not wanting to get tested is kind of a red flag and also the fact that he thinks you're too demanding just for asking to get tested. Also remember the window period for the tests. Some have between 2 weeks and others have a couple months depending on the test. Also, even if someone does get tested and got a negative but last week had a phletora of unprotected sex then he/she may be already infected. As Chip said, one single encounter can be the cause of a STD transmission including VIH, HepB/C, HPV among others...I also couldn't agree more regarding the use of condom even if you're using PrEP, there have been isolated cases of people still getting infected.
Hi, thank you all for your replies. I needed reassurance that what I asked was not unreasonable, especially since the guy in question wanted an ongoing relationship. The moment he discarded the idea of testing, I walked away. As all of you said, that was a red flag. I think that he at first agreed to have the test just to make me say yes and thought that I would trust him on his word and wouldn't ask him to see the results myself. @Chip and @dapulu, I know that even if he tested negative, that wouldn't necessarily mean that he actually is. However, although I primarily wanted some sort of an evidence about his status, I asked him to do the test also because I wanted to see his reaction and his attitude towards safe sex and health. Moreover, I reasoned that if he didn't want to do that to make me more comfortable, then he really didn't respect me nor cared about me. Now I feel that had I agreed to meet him in spite of him not doing what I asked him to, I would have disrespected and devalued myself and my principles. I always insist on using condoms and if PreP was available in my country, I would be taking it (but would still use condoms). Unfortunately, it's not. I can get PeP at four places in the whole country if I go to specific clinics and say that I had unprotected sex with a person of unknown HIV status or positive. Luckily, I live in one of those four larger cities, so I have that option, but have never used it so far.
