What should i expect from a long distance relationship?

An honest response? Heartache. If you love someone and they live far away and you can’t see them it WILL get difficult. There will be days where it’s really hard. I have personal experience with this because I’m currently in a long distance relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret dating my girlfriend, she’s absolutely amazing, but I’d be lying if I said that being unable to see her, touch her, be with her every day, doesn’t hurt. Long distance can be very difficult if it will need to last for an extended period of time. Also, I think it’s essential to be on the same page with your partner on whether you want to be exclusive or not. If you have a long distance relationship many people have open relationships or see other people often because the lack of a physical element can be really hard. So make sure you discuss this rationally and maturely.

 

To be honest long distance relationships aren't worth it. I've tried it twice after I was forced to move to a different state as a kid while having a girlfriend each time. It takes less than 2 months to realize you're probably never going to see each other more than once or twice a year at the most anyway, and all you're really doing is limiting yourself from dating someone in person and causing yourself loneliness for no reason.

A relationship that goes long-distance for more than a few months might as well just be a friendship at that point since you can't do anything together or have physical intimacy anyway.

I get why LGBT people do it since there's a lack of in person options, but long distance should be the very last resort not the goal.

 

I also think it will bring you heartache. I had a painful experience with that. I was in a long-distance relationship for more than an year and most of the time it was a torture for me and for her because we were enable to have the full contact. Also you will realize that you can see her a few times per year which, believe me, is not enough. Personally I ended brokenhearted. In my opinion be careful if it's wrth it to go overseas to find a job just because of her. Making all the effort to keep the relationship in the end will cause you more pain. Or, at least, talk to her and try to figure out where all this is going.

 

It makes a difference how old you are truly. If you are a young person (younger than 25) then its a completely different thing than if you were in your 30s or 40s.

I've only had one long distance relationship when I was younger. It was interesting, healing, and also boring at the end.

Things that I liked:

• Allows you to practice what it feels like to be in a relationship. Its nice to have someone that is deeply interested in your life and that you can share ideas with. Its cool to be able to be completely vulnerable with someone for the first time in a romantic and sexual way.
• It was fun. Back then we would watch movies together, talk on cam and just hang out online.
• I learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship and what I do not want

Things that don't work:

• We are not wired to maintain romantic connection with people who are far away. It doesn't work long-term. So unless you move closer to each other within a year or make multiple trips constantly, then the distance will make it 100% harder to remain interested in that person. Its just science honestly.
• Physical intimacy is important. If you are in a society where physical intimacy is only for romantic partners (monogamous western culture) then you will feel lonely without the intimate touch of another human. And I mean more than just sex. I mean hugs, cuddles, the slight touch of holding hands and petting that happens in relationship. That touch is sooooo good. If you can get that from friends (most cultures don't allow for that) then it would be easier.
• Long-distance monogamous relationships are the fucking worst because sex matters. You can cam and send all the pics you want and that does help, but 1) a lot of people are scared to do so 2) its not the same. The only long-distance relationships I have seen work long-term are people in poly relationships and they visit each other every so often or meet up at conventions.
• Moving your whole life for someone is stupid unless you are married. seriously, there are sooooooo many stories of people abandoning everything for a lover, moving in with them, and then they break up 5 months later. Now you are left with no support, eh financial life, and alone in a whole new country. So just be careful.

Oh, and I'm still in contact with him. We talk every so often and its cool to catch up. He might visit soon, so that would be a cool thing haha

Overall I think they can be good, but its not worth the hassle. But I do hope you enjoy the hell out of what you are feeling right now. Cherish it, learn from it, enjoy it and try to make it work. Its a cute journey. Just be careful of the risks.

 

I can only speak to my own experience, don't know if it'll be useful to you, but here it is:
I started dating my boyfriend just before high school graduation. We went to separate colleges. Missing out on the sex wasn't so big of a deal, but non-sexual touch was. It was hard to give each other comfort when we were worried or upset. It was hard to care for each other or do little things that would brighten up a day. That was frustrating.
Our lives got split into two separate worlds: the everyday, apart world, with its friends and jobs and hobbies, and the together world, a tiny paradise of awesome. In the apart world I was always counting days until I could see my boyfriend again. I was slow to make friends or put down roots because my mind was always on the next reunion. The together world is amazing, weeks and months of saved up feelings all at once, it's like a drug, and when I had to leave the together world, it's wrenching, sudden withdrawal.
If that sounds like I'm against it, I'm not. My boyfriend and I moved in together 6 months ago. We just celebrated our 6 year anniversary. I don't prefer long distance, but I don't regret it, either. But counting time brought me a lot of unhappiness I could have avoided by being truly present in the world I was in, which is the advice I'm giving you on long distance: focus your energy on the world you're in.

I figure long distance is just like ice cream or knitting or anything else, it doesn't suit everyone, if you try it and it's not for you, it doesn't mean anything bad about anyone. Good look and enjoy the adventure!

 

My bf and I live in the same city and between work, school and (occasionally) trips sometimes we don't see each other for a week. Maybe I'm clingy, but that itself can be hard. Obviously long distance is harder.

But might as well shot your shot, you never know. All I can offer is communication, 100% commincate.

 

Yeah I agree with the people above me. I think this is really a matter of how much you want this and how much you love the other person. Are you willing to do this? Even when it gets hard? Because at the end of the day, despite the difficulties, I am with my girlfriend because I love her. I want to be with her and the distance doesn’t prevent me from loving her. Waiting is hell but she’s worth it.

 

Granted I don't have any experience with this, but I have a more optimistic outlook on long-distance relationships than many people. There are definitely some major obstacles and points of frustration, but I think there are benefits as well. Having limits on the time you can spend together will help you both appreciate it more and not take each other for granted, and I think the fact that they require more effort in communicating can be a positive thing.

The bottom line for me though is that it's not at all easy to find someone that you really click with and feel something special for -- if you do, I think it's worth exploring and doing everything you can to make it work. It may not work out, but I think it's better to find that out for sure than wonder what might have happened and regret a missed opportunity.

 

This is the big thing to me. Having a connection like what I have with my girlfriend is so rare. I never would want to give that up.

 

Not wanting to be pessimistic and I do hope it works out for you but like other posters have said LDR are hard and have many downsides to it for very little rewards. What usually keep LDR relationship alive is the countdown till the next visit.

In your case it seems like the countdown will be a few years long which is an awful lot of time to be away from someone but also to be committed to someone you do not really know and with whom you may well have zero chemistry once you do meet.

It also seem like that once you do meet, and admitting you still are very keen on each other that another couple of years might go by again until the next visit due to your lack of income, which doesn't seem overly sustainable long-term.

Not wanting to discourage you as I am sure you really like this girl but I would try and remain very realistic about the possibility of things having an actual future in your specific situation. Does she have a better financial situation than you? Would it be easier for her to visit you so it could happen earlier rather than later?

 

I'm going to push on this a bit because I think this can be very toxic behavior to cultivate in any type of relationship.

Love does not mean you have to sacrifice everything. Connection to another person is also not that rare and I guarantee all of you that you will all fall in love more than once.

Sacrificing your own happiness and life for the love that you might have for one single individual is not love. Its a caricature of love which movies have fed us and its what allows people to stay in toxic relationships for years at a time.

The long-distance relationship should bring you joy at least 80% of the time. If you hold on to a long-distance relationship in the hopes that the sacrifice and pain will be over soon, then you are setting yourself up for failure.

You are cutting yourself off from meeting some amazing and beautiful people right near you. You stop yourself from being fully present in your life because you are tied to "once we are together then our lives can really start" type of thing, which is just not true. Don't stay with someone simply because "well, this is rare so gotta hang onto this or else".

This is the only advice I can give in order for you to give it a go without cutting yourself short from other opportunities in life.

Truly be present. Meet other people, go to parties, hand out with your friends and don't make your whole life be around when you can hang out with your significant other.

 

I certainly don't believe that every person has only one potential person out there that they can be compatible with, but I disagree that it's not rare to meet someone you truly feel something special for. My only real point is that I would never want to forego an opportunity with someone like that just because it is less than convenient -- I don't think I could live with myself without taking that chance.

 

Same here.

 

I get that. I truly do.

But be careful. The same mentality has allowed people to stay in some really harmful and toxic relationships because "what if this is as good as it gets?" "What if there is no one else?". Its dangerous and at one point you guys will have to choose. Your own happiness or staying with this person who you love.

Create your healthy boundaries. Answer the question of "at what point do we call it quits?" "what is the line that I won't allow myself to cross?"

You need to have a line where you respect your own self more than being with someone. That line is REALLY hard to maintain if you believe that love is rare, that connection is rare, etc.

Its not rare. You will in fact fall in love with multiple people, you will have many relationships, and you will break more than one heart.

Just be vigilant that you guys are not sticking to a relationship out of fear. Stick with it because it makes you happy and not because you are afraid that you won't find this connection near you.

 

I would dispute this. "Multiple people" over a 90 year lifetime is still pretty rare. That's like one person per decade. I forgot where I saw it, but there was some statistic about the average straight person having 7 adult relationships in their lifetime too. The number for LGBT people is probably substantially lower, but even if it's still 7, that's again like one relationship per decade. Pretty rare.

 

Yeah and define relationship. I mean, sure, you could have a bunch of casual flings and stuff but a real relationship? That’s hard to find. It’s hard to find someone who truly loves you for you and won’t just leave when things get tough. Or someone who likes you for the wrong reasons.

 

That I agree with, though I think attempting to overcome obstacles to be with someone special who makes you feel good is totally different than clinging to a toxic relationship out of fear of being alone. I just believe that there's no such thing as a perfect situation and there's always going to be obstacles, inconveniences, and aspects that cause frustration -- it's just worth it for the right person.

 

Exactly my thoughts. Not all relationships that are not 100% right away are toxic. My relationship with my girlfriend is the most healthy relationship I could imagine. We talk about everything, how we’re feeling, where we are at any point, compromising etc. Does the distance suck? Yes it does but neither of us hold each other back from living our lives. We just miss each other.