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Social Relations

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Waffless, Apr 21, 2019.

  1. Waffless

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    How do I manage my relationships better.
    I just can't seem to keep more than 3 friendships going without leaving someone out and its killing me inside I just want to be their for my online friends and my school friends.
    It honestly bothers me a lot that's why I'm asking for your help.
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    If you’re busy with school work, etc. then perhaps three close friends is all you can manage right now.

    It’s lovely that you want to be there for other people, but be careful not to take too much on yourself.

    I’m sure your friends appreciate all the time that you can give them.
     
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  3. Chiroptera

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    I'll echo what LostInDaydreams said here.

    Another thing to consider is that, in my opinion, it is normal to invest more time in some friends than others. It's not a question of being unfair, but it is normal to be closer to some people than others.

    I have 2 friends I talk to regularly (almost every day through social media, and we hang out frequently). Then I have more friends which are still very important to me, but not as close as these 2 (either because they moved to another city, or we have a bit less in common than I do with the 2 "main friends", etc).

    In other words: I don't think one can manage to have lots of really, really close friends. We usually have a number of friends, but there are those who are closer to us, and we usually spend more time and energy with these, even if we still like the others very much.

    Also, don't feel bad for not having too much time or energy to spend on your friendships. A friendship is a two-way street, so you don't need to be the single person trying to make things work. Besides, if you have a healthy relationship with them, I'm sure they will understand if you are going through a busy time in your life or something like that. :slight_smile:
     
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  4. Waffless

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    I just don't understand how people can have so many friends during high school, I can barely manage the few I have, my online friends i love hanging with them but my internet is bad so I can't play a lot and they know that but I know they are upset with me
     
  5. Chiroptera

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    There are people who are more extroverted, and have an easier time making friends. There are others (like me) who have fewer. And that's fine!

    Personally, I think it is best to use the energy you have to cultivate quality relationships, even if they are fewer, than having lots of friends but without a meaningful connection with most of them. High school, at least here, is frequently a period of life where some people care more about numbers than quality of friendships. It isn't uncommon to find popular people who like to brag about having lots of friends, but does that person really have a meaningful connection with these friends, or is he/she just surrounded by people?

    About your internet friends, has any of them ever complained to you about that? We are frequently much harder on ourselves than other people are.

    The following video mentions a few studies about this. It may be helpful to this conversation. :slight_smile:

     
  6. Waffless

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    It was a nice video
     
  7. Chiroptera

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    Yes, I like that one too! I hope you found it useful.

    And, if not, feel free to add more of your thoughts into this discussion. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Destin

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    People do it by not actually investing themselves in the friendship, only making it seem like they are. In high school I had probably 100ish friends and 200ish more acquaintances. The only way to sustain that is basically never spending more than an hour a week with anyone. The first thing I'd do at a party is go find everyone I knew there for 1 minute before moving onto the next person with some sort of excuse like getting food and then coming right back (then never coming back, if they ask about it later "oh sorry I got so distracted I forgot" etc.). until I stayed with someone. To an outside observer though, you see the person with all 100 of their friends every week so think they're super popular, not realizing you just saw them in the 30 seconds they were there.

    When done correctly, everyone feels like you spent time with them and they remember you being with them at the party, but they don't remember you were only there for a minute.

    Hanging out in groups helps too, if you have a group of 10 friends together you're managing 10 friendships at once just by standing there.

    It's a really shallow way to maintain friendships though, and they rarely last. From what I've seen most people can only really handle 5ish real friendships they invest themselves into, and those become their lifelong friends.
     
    #8 Destin, Apr 21, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  9. GayTurtle

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    When I was younger, I was one of those "a few good friends instead of many distant friends" people, but there's a dark side to this approach as well. I used this mentality to justify not making many connections with people. If you only have like 1 or 2 good friends and not much outside that, that makes you very dependent on them, is not ideal. Consider if e.g. you get into a fight with them, one friend moves, those friends start hanging out with other people more, etc.. If any of these things happens, suddenly your friend circle shrinks dramatically, which can feel lonely and isolating. When you get older and eventually get out of school, this can become a worse issue as well (as it did for me), as then it becomes more difficult to make new friends.

    So I think fairly clearly you need a balance between these ideas. It's important to have some close friends who you can really connect to, but also to not close yourself off to others, and maintain friendly connections with as many people as practical.

    I think that one thing that can help with these things is developing different circles of friends. When I was in high school, most of my friends were in the band. But I also realized that I could have gotten along quite well with the "science geek" folks had I made any effort. Now, for example, I have my work friends and some friends at the local chess club. In a given instance I can only talk to so many people, but since they don't overlap very much, I feel like I have almost twice as many friends.