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Living Two Lives & Breaking

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by jsm, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. jsm

    jsm
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    I married my high school sweetheart. At the time, he saved me. I was depressed, I wanted to run from life. And he made me feel loved and safe. And I did love him. So despite the warnings going off in my head that it wasn’t what I wanted, I married him. We’ve been together for 23 years, have two daughters (5 & 7), and a really good life.

    But my sex life and general intimacy with my husband has nearly always been strained. He has always wanted me, but I have always been reserved and reluctant. I rationalized it as just something that was wrong with me. I had been molested as a teen by my stepfather, groped and pursued by a deranged step-uncle who lived with us for a short time, and just felt like I must, therefore, be broken. That all that must be why I couldn’t be what my husband wanted, needed, and deserved.

    I should have known it was more than that. I had hints. I never really looked at women in a romantic or sexual way, but I sometimes had brief passing thoughts about what a life would be like with some of my close female friends. More than that, though, I once stumbled across old Playboys of my husband’s when going through some boxes. I opened them out of curiosity, and found that I had a physical reaction that I had never experienced before. I felt ashamed and embarrassed, and stuffed it down. At the time, it was just more proof that something was wrong with me.

    And then last year, I feel in love with a woman.

    At first I tried to convince myself I was just swept up in a thing. After becoming close friends, she declared her love for me in August. And I couldn’t rebuff it. I couldn’t say, “I’m sorry, I just don’t feel that way.” Instead, it was like everything made sense all of the sudden. Did I love her, too? Or did it just feel good to feel so wholly loved by a person so close to me?

    As I tried to deal with my confusion and guilt, I began to tell my husband of my general unhappiness. I know he has been unhappy with the physical part of our relationship for a long time, and we had a lot of tough conversations from there. I lot of hurt and heartache came out that was both horrible and healing. I even told him I didn’t think I could give him what he wanted sexually (while still not telling him about questioning my sexuality at the time) and dealt with some difficult backlash from that. After all, what he wants isn’t outrageous. He just wants a healthy sex life with his wife.

    Meanwhile, this friend and I began to be intimate. It has been wonderful being with her, but devastating at the same time. I know I’m hurting her deeply by still being with my husband at this point, but I’m not ready to pull that plug yet. She wants a commitment, and I’m not there with the other side of my life yet. It doesn’t feel genuine to say I am committed to be with her when I’m still with my husband, but that’s what she wants to hear. I have tried on several occasions to pull back until I work out what’s going to happen with my marriage, but she reads that as an end instead of part of the process.

    At this point, I have told my husband that I am attracted to women. We’re figuring that out day by day, as I figure myself and my sexuality out. Meanwhile, I’m breaking. I’m not the person I want to be. I’m short-tempered, depressed, inattentive, escaping the world in mindless wastes of time instead of engaging in life. Because I live in a world of limbo, everything feels like a facade.

    And I feel so alone. I have a husband who is being wonderful even in his own suffering, but he has his own struggles to manage in this. I have a girlfriend who is unattached and eager to dive in, but she just feels hurt that I cannot leap with her yet, and my honesty in sharing my struggle just causes her to be upset and withdraw, making me doubt all of that. I have told two straight female friends of my questioning, but am unwilling to admit to them that I actually love this woman, and frankly, they just don’t have this particular file in their experiences to understand all the complicated feelings. A few people close to me know that I am unhappy in my marriage, but nothing else. To everyone else, I am living a happy life as a working mom and wife.

    And so here I am. I spent a good bit of time reading through threads in this section in particular. I know many of you have dealt with or are dealing with similar situations. And there is comfort in that. There is comfort in feeling like what I’m going through is, in its own way, normal. But I’m breaking. I vacillate between wanting to separate from my husband and wanting to shut out what has awakened in me and just stay.

    I don’t know what I’m looking for by sharing here. Sharing is not easy. I fear judgement. I feel like a horrible human being on all sides right now. And I know no one can make the decision for me. I’m just feeling so broken and lost. Even as I am surrounded by probably more love than I ever have been before, I feel so utterly alone.
     
  2. nerdbrain

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    Hey jsm,

    Welcome. You're definitely in the right place. I can identify with many of feelings you describe, and I know there are lots of other people here who do, too. You are not alone.

    It looks like you're starting down the path of self-acceptance, which is more of a journey than a destination. Over time hopefully you can build up enough courage and confidence to know who you are and what you want, and lovingly take the best actions to move forward with your life.

    My initial advice would be to see if you can find some kind of community, some LGBT friends and support, near your home. Can you find some way to engage with other lesbian/gay people socially? It would help to step away from the conflict in your love life for a moment.
     
  3. TaraSc1315

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    I am in nearly the exact same situation except my husband found out about my girlfriend (we didnt label ourselves that but our actions did) so i broke it off with her to work on my marriage. I feel so alone because no matter i do, i am in a lose lose situation as i have two little girls who i have to think about. I want to leave him but i dont want to put my girls through a divorce and a broken home. But if i stay like i have for years, i remain broken and so unhappy. what to do? Who the fuck knows
     
  4. TaraSc1315

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    Not to mention i miss her like f ing crazy. I ffelt alive and safe with her. We both admitted we could have fallen in love. this life is hard as fuck
     
  5. jsm

    jsm
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    Hi @nerdbrain -
    Thanks for your welcome and reply. I think you’re right about stepping away from that conflict. It all hurts so much and I feel like I can’t sort out the core issue of me while surrounded by it all.

    There is a strong gay community near me. I feel hesitant to get involved. Not because I think it wouldn’t be healthy to do so. I’m just scared - mostly of being outed when I’m not ready to be, I guess. But I really do need someone who gets where I am.
     
  6. jsm

    jsm
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    @TaraSc1315,
    As I spent time on the site just reading initially, I read several of your posts. I definitely feel like we’re in strikingly similar situations. I’m afraid, too, that I may be on the edge of losing my GF (though like you we haven’t labeled ourselves as such). She feels lonely and, I guess, betrayed because I’m still currently functioning in my married life. I wouldn’t even be considering breaking up my family if it weren’t for how I feel about her though, despite my general sexuality questions.

    You’re right. This life is so hard.
     
  7. L8bloomer

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    @jsm - welcome. My situation is an awful lot like yours. It sounds like your husband is a genuinely good man and you love him... but obviously something is majorly lacking. I know it's bittersweet to be in two relationships at the same time, especially when you feel so strongly pulled to your friend. One piece of advice I will offer: if you are going to leave your husband, don't do it because of your friend. In other words, don't leave him for her; leave him for who you are and who you'll never be with him. What if you did leave and things did not last with her - would you be happy? Or would you regret having left? Several people gave me the same advice, and it made a big difference for me.
     
  8. jsm

    jsm
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    @L8bloomer - One of your threads was the first one I read through when I came to this site. I identify with a whole lot of what you have shared.

    And I agree with you on your advice. I have told myself that several times. And I think that’s part of why I’m not ready to jump ship. She interprets it as doubts about her, but that’s not fair. There is uncertainty in any relationship, especially when it’s new, and I want to make sure I’m leaving for myself if I leave. Like you said, I don’t want regrets or resentment if she and I were to not work out. But at the same time, she is the catalyst for all of this. She is why I’m allowing myself to consider my truth. It’s all so heartbreaking, exhilarating, exhausting, and confusing.
     
  9. L8bloomer

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    Ah... the catalyst. That's a word you'll hear a lot in these groups :slight_smile:

    For what it's worth, I have come to accept that I'm probably going to leave my husband because I'll never be able to give him what he gives me, and we both have a right to that. It took a long time for me to get to that point though, and I'm still with him for now. It's a journey for sure. And although my friend broke my heart like no other, I do understand now that it happened for a reason.

    BTW I smiled when you talked about finding the magazine... I was so sneaky about looking at women in magazines and in movies even as a teenager... and I thought I was just bi - ha! :slight_smile:
     
  10. regkmc

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    I empathize with your story. I wonder, could you conceive of a life in the near future, where you would be raising your kids with this other woman? For me, I am working through the shame of all of this at 41......I foresee a long road of acceptance for me....considering doing this with another person just seems too stressful.
     
  11. jsm

    jsm
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    I’m with you on seeing a long road of acceptance for myself. I’ve really been struggling with that. I’m 40 and feel kinda ridiculous that I’m in this place at this age.

    The woman I’ve been with has a kid of her own about the same age as one of mine. She wants more than anything for us all to be a family, and I can see it being wonderful. We all do things together already since she and I were friends before all this.

    But, yes, it all seems so stressful to try, doesn’t it?? In my best visions, it’s awesome. My husband and I are friends and great co-parents. My GF and I are happy and our family together joyful. But then there are the other visions of how it could all go.
     
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  12. jsm

    jsm
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    I feel like I’m on a slow path to the same place regarding me husband. That I will need to leave him. That I will never be a wife to him in a big way that is really important to him.
     
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  13. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @jsm,

    Welcome to EC. :slight_smile: As you already know, there are lots of people here who have been or are in a similar position to you, so hopefully being here will help you feel less alone.

    I can relate to going backwards and forwards between wanting to leave and wanting to stay...now the ball is rolling, that’s pretty much gone away. The first steps don’t even need to change anything, just do some research...finances, housing, etc. and then small steps. It takes longer than you think, nothing will change overnight.

    And slow is fine. Go at your pace. You’ll get to where you want to be. :slight_smile:
     
  14. jsm

    jsm
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    Hi @LostInDaydreams,

    Thanks for your encouragement Slow is torturous! But I hear what you’re saying. I’ve been thinking about looking at logistics for a while, but even that has me scared. I suppose if I knew more of what I’d be looking at if I make a move, I’d at least have comfort in knowing I could manage those kinds of things.

    Where are you in your story at this point?
     
  15. LostInDaydreams

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    It is torturous, but that’s probably better than rushing and wishing you’d handled it differently.

    My situation is slight different in that my partner is emotionally abusive, so I’ve been making plans to leave without him knowing. I really just need to find somewhere to live and then move out. Of course, I’ll then have to deal with the aftermath as my partner finds out what I’ve done.
     
  16. jsm

    jsm
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    You’re right, rushing would be a mistake.

    I’m sorry about your situation, too. Having that layer to face when leaving has its own kind of stresses certainly. So you’re working on leaving in secret - do you feel confident you’ll be able to make the move? There are so many elements to that!