Every guy I like is very confusing - either I don't know if they're gay or if they are gay, I don't know if they're interested. Why would now be any different? Turning to this trusted forum, I hope you can help! Long story short: I'm at university and we will call this boy A. A is straight as far as I know as he has encounters with girls and I am openly gay. I HATE referring to stereotypes but for the sake of this, and it being an online discussion, I will refer to them. He is the typical masculine guy - he goes to the gym, plays football and video games, has all male friends and gets with girls. I'm somewhere in the middle of masculine and feminine and can be quite camp. That's the background information done. Ever since I met him, I have had an attraction to him and we don't always see eachother (mainly on nights out) but we spend a lot of time together when we are. Whenever we're around eachother, we maintain eye contact not only when talking, but when in different conversations far apart - we have done this a lot for about 10 seconds at a time and sometimes, he will even leave his conversation and come over to me. He hugs me, puts his arm round me and compliments me a lot. We both like the same music and clothes so we bond over this. He also goes out of his way to message me and sometimes, it is the most irrelevant stuff but it gives him a chance to talk to me. There have also been times where we nudge eachother under the table and almost play footsie A lot of my friends have noticed it too and suspect he has a thing for me because he wouldn't act the way he does otherwise. One of the stand out moments was when we watched a film togehter a few months back and he lied to the girl he was texting about where he was and decided to stay with me rather than to meet her. A lot of people would just tell me to ask him but I would never do this as I don't want to ruin a friendship. As well as this, I feel in the past few weeks we have grown apart; this is because some people I know have verbally questioned his sexuality in front of him - I would never condone this and shut it down immediately as I felt bad. I feel like he thinks I'm talking about him or people are 'catching on'. I have a few questions: do you think this behaviour justifies my thoughts around his sexuality or could it just be friendly? How do you propose I try to rebuild this friendship and trust? I would not say I am in love or fixated with him at all, but how do you suppose I move on? Thanks for your time, H x
Unfortunately, there is little you can do to move things along. Yes, there are signs he likes you, but I would hesitate to read too much into those signs because it could be (as you said yourself) a close friendly connection rather than something deeper. I guess the biggest sign so far was his choice to lie to a girl about his whereabouts, preferring instead to remain with you. Although it can't be taken as conclusive proof of anything it is telling that other people - who know both of you better than any of us - are also questioning his sexuality and suggesting that he has a thing for you. In many ways this hasn't been helpful because it seems to have made him anxious and more wary and I can only suggest you maintain contact with him now and continue to be kind and friendly, without any hint of pressure. He knows you are gay and maybe in time he will reveal more about his feelings, but I wouldn't do anything to spook him. I'm sure I don't need to point out to you the range of push/pull factors that arise when we start having doubts and questions about our sexuality and they can only be overcome with patience and kindness. Maybe when the rumour mill quietens down he will feel more at ease. It might be better if you can now arrange to go out or spend time together, rather than in a crowd where everyone is watching and picking up vibes. Maybe he'll feel less pressured and anxious if he's not the centre of attention and subject of gossip and speculation. Do you think you could arrange a one to one meetup with him?
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply in such detail! I also forgot to mention that he tends to use a lot of innuendos too - I feel like this is not helpful but it adds more to the situation. One of the main challenges with things like this is the fact that I (and probably most people everywhere) tend to pick out the things that support their idea and not the truth. In this case, the fact that other people have reassured me they think the same is good, but I'm never completely sure. I think you're completely right in not pressuring him and letting him know that I am there as a friend to help him - I would want to do this no matter what the outcome. I do not feel like we have a close enough relationship whereby I could invite him out when it is just us two; I invite him out a lot, just with lots of other people present too. I do think that in a less pressurised environment, he is a lot more susceptible to flirting as he does so on text and as previously mentioned, the footsie-like thing under the table. I think only time will tell? I just hope that time is on my side and that we don't grow apart in anyway (if he is gay/bi).
