I just got back from a night club so forgive the incoherent babbling but being at places like that have a tendency to trigger my dysphoria and sometimes gender euphoria at the same time. I don't know. It's weird. I dressed very masculinely tonight. I've found that I feel a lot better when I dress in man's clothes to these things. But it's really weird because I feel like I'm halfway between masculine and feminine. Like, I have a very large chest, and my hair is shoulder length now, and I look like I should be a girl. I just look like a tomboy girl, and it's very much...not me. I had this vision of me like...sitting at the bar and my chest is flat and my hair is short and girls are whispering my chosen name in my ear. Dragging me out to the dance floor, treating me like a man. God it seems so awesome. At this point, I know I'm not cis, but I'm not sure if I'm a guy or not. Wearing dresses isn't awful, but I always feel like I'm a person who's not me when I wear them. Shopping for women's clothes is awful though. I end up in tears each time. It's also really hard because I joined a sorority back when I thought I was still cis but it's awkward. We got rid of the transphobe, and I'm allowed to wear men's clothes to all of the formal events, but I look out of place next to my sisters. It's weird. Many of them are in the LGBT community, but are all under the impression that I'm nonbinary. If I did figure out that I was trans, it might make things worse though. What's a man doing in a sorority? I feel like I could live happily as a man. But I'm not sure if I could ever transition. I want to try binding and getting a haircut, my hair and chest are my biggest points of dysphoria. I'm a little curious about HRT, but not sure if I want the full effects. And I'm nowhere near ready to come out, but I'm starting to grow desperate. I really need to ditch the hair and the boobs, I'm growing restless. And people, I think, are suspecting something. Some people know I'm gender questioning, but others have made comments to my friends like "Should I start calling [birth name] he/him", and even told me that I've done something that made them realize I'm not cis and they get it now. I went as a male character for Halloween and my own dad thought I was coming out as trans for a hot second. Until he looked at the calendar. Lol. I'm curious slightly about packing, too, but I'm afraid. I hate not really knowing what my gender is. Some days, I think I'm genderfluid/nonbinary, but other days I feel like I'm definitely a guy. It's the weirdest thing. I don't really know what to do. How do I get from this place of questioning to a place of understanding? And again, I'm so sorry for the rambling.
To start, I strongly empathize with what you are going through in terms of figuring out your gender identity. This is something I finally started confronting late last year but ftom the other direction (mtf). If you don't mind me asking, are you or have you considered seeing a gender therapist? I started going to one a couple months ago and it's been really helpful. Personally, grappling with gender has been like being on a roller coaster that's also a tee cup ride. It's very hard stop the feeling of disorientation and emotional chaos long enough to listen to myself. My therapist has been very helpful in leading me to sort through the noise and listen to what I have always known inside. I am trans. I am not a man. I am a woman.
Hi, thanks for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it! To answer your question, I've been seeing a therapist, but not a specific gender therapist. My therapist is well educated in LGBT issues. I've been talking to him about this, but I think he might have gotten confused. I think he thought that I was just struggling with wanting to change my presentation, not figure out where I am. I only see him during the school year (college student), so it won't be until fall until I see him again, and maybe I'll have a better idea of how to explain what's going on. I wish I could see a dedicated gender therapist, but I live in the rural midwest, so those are hard to come by. I'm glad that you've found yours to be helpful. I hope that I can get in to see one at some point.
What you look like and what you feel like are two separate things. As for not being sure, take all the time you need. It's not a contest. It was my story as well that it because awkward at some point. I didn't feel tempted to join a sorority, but wearing a suit to formal events made people wonder. And not only that. Someone started to assume that I must be FtM and I liked it. There is nothing wrong with being somewhere on the nonbinary spectrum. If you know where approximately you fall on it, then that's fine. Nobody expects you to have an exact answer. It's fine.
