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Coming out in a long distance relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Love4Ever, Apr 4, 2019.

  1. Love4Ever

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    So I decided to post this here, because it’s about coming out, but it’s also about an obstacle that might make things harder for my family to accept. Basically, long story short, I met my amazing girlfriend online. She’s literally the best thing in my life and I love her more than anything. I’m completely in love with her, and she’s the person I’m going to marry one day for sure. The only problem is, I’ve been hiding both my identity and my relationship from my parents...for five months roughly. The same with her. So neither of our parents know. And because of this there are specific challenges that come along with being long distance. We’ve tried to come up with a plan to explain to them how we met that maybe doesn’t hinge on our having met online? Because they both are very wary of online relationships and they probably would not be thrilled to know that we met this way. Then there is the fact that we’re not really out either. I’m out to my mom but not my dad and I have no idea how to tell him. She’s planning to come out soon, but again, neither of our parents know anything about us. My parents will start to wonder why I’m not dating probably as time goes on, and I won’t know what to tell them, because I AM in a committed relationship they just don’t know about it. This could be something that could go on for quite sometime because we’re both students and live in states in the opposite directions. Basically, I am just unsure how to properly handle this. I love her, she’s the one for me, and I want people to know, but it’s just so, so complicated right now. If anyone has an advice I’d appreciate it.
     
    #1 Love4Ever, Apr 4, 2019
    Last edited: Apr 4, 2019
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  2. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s not clear from your post - have you actually met her in person? If you have met, do your parents know you’ve met? Have you told them anything, like that you have an online/long distance friend, or do they know nothing at all?

    I think it depends on how old you both are, whether you live with parents, how long distance it is, how often you can see each other, etc. and depending on the answer to those questions, then I think it’s understandable that they’ll be concerned, whether it’s about your safety or it all ending in tears due to the distance. As your parents, they will be concerned, so try to be understanding of that.

    Are you planning on seeing her more often? Inviting her to stay over? Introducing them to your girlfriend? Is there a particular reason why you want to tell them now?
     
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  3. Love4Ever

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    We have not met in person. And no, my parents know nothing about any of it as I haven’t told them. We both are adults, but we both are not independent yet. She lives at home with her parents and I am at school but I come home on the weekends and I can’t drive. I recognize that they will be concerned and I don’t want them to worry, which is why I haven’t told them. I know they would assume the worst, i.e. that I was duped or something. When I absolutely have not been. She is exactly who she says she is, I know this for absolute certain. I may not have met her in person but she has been entirely open with me and I have proof that it is true. So I have no doubts on that score and she has my complete trust. But my parents would probably still distrust it and I don’t want how we met to color their opinion of this sweet, sweet girl when they finally meet her. Eventually they will meet her and I’ll have to explain how we met somehow. And I’m not out completely so I have the added stress of that as well. So I’m just praying it all works out honestly. Because I really do love her.
     
  4. Love4Ever

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    I want this to work and I’m committed to making it work. Obviously long distance is not ideal and if I could have met her in person or we lived closer that would have been wonderful. But I realize we don’t always get what we want in life and not everything immediately happens right away the way we would wish. I just guess I’m looking for ways to handle this. :hearts:
     
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  5. LostInDaydreams

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    So, you’re not necessarily planning on telling them soon, or you are?

    Speaking as a parent, I would be concerned, but I also know that it’s possible to know that somebody is who they say they are, so I’m not saying you’re necessarily wrong. Now, I don’t mean this unkindly (and you can disregard my opinion, if you prefer), but personally, if you’ve not met, then I don’t think it’s really a relationship. Will you both feel the attraction in real life? Chatting online is very different to chatting in person. Something that annoys you or her might come up if you were to spend a day together. I believe you can feel attraction to somebody online and be exclusive to them if you like, but I don’t think you can assume it’s going to work in real life until you’ve met a few times.

    So, if you do meet up, be safe and careful, just in case. Assuming all goes well there, then I would meet a few times. Maybe let your parents know you’re going on a “date”, when you’ve established the attraction is there in person. Then mention you’re seeing somebody, after a few months they could meet her, etc. You could mention that you met online, but they wouldn’t necessarily have to mention how long you’d been chatting online prior to meeting. It’s going to be a slow process, but it’s probably best to sure yourself that it’ll work in person, and that way you won’t be colouring their opinion of her either.
     
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  6. Love4Ever

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    Thank you for your thoughts. I do know that many people would be concerned by this and I realize this situation is unconventional, but I really do want to be with her. I know it may seem difficult for many people to believe that you can love or be attracted to someone you haven’t met but I know that I am.♥️She understands me like no one else has ever been able to. And I have had other forms of contact with her, we’ve spoken on the phone and we both have seen each other in photos. So I really do know her, just not physically. But anyway, thank you for the advice. I know that I’ll eventually have to find a way to tell my parents not only about me, but her as well. I just want to make it as smooth and easy for them as possible.
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    @Love4Ever I do believe that you have strong feeling for her. From the outside it’s probably easier to focus on where it could go wrong. As long as you’re sensible, it should be fine. I hope it works out!
     
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  8. Bouldghirl

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    Actually I don’t really think the situation is too unconventional these days. Going back 20 years to the infancy of the Internet yes meeting someone online was looked on as very strange and exotic. I tried Internet dating about 15 years ago and didn’t dare tell anyone other than my closest friends because it was thought of as being a weird and almost deviant form of behaviour. However in 2019 I believe it is now the most common method for people to get together. The downside is of course that long distance friendships become more likely. I think @LostInDaydreams is being very realistic in counselling you on the realities of turning that friendship into a relationship. I think her suggestions are sensible ones. You say that you don’t drive which I guess in the USA makes a long distance relationship more difficult to negotiate. If you are out to your Mom then maybe I would start by talking to her as to the best way of coming out to your Dad. Break that barrier and you have one less obstacle. This isn’t going to be a quick-fix problem. You seem to have accepted that so keep talking to your parents and to your girlfriend. I hope it goes well for you.
     
  9. LostInDaydreams

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    I think it’s much like transitioning from seeing each other every day to living together. You already know them really well, but then all these new things come out. You can’t really know her until you’ve met her.
     
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  10. Meander

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    I would say to take care of the problem and come out as soon as you think you can do so. As for whatever comes with it, take it as it comes. That and no matter what, your family won't be homophobic nimrods about it.
     
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