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Serious question - could I just be a straight guy that has gay fantasies?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Mar 24, 2019.

  1. out2019

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    I have come here and tried to 'come out' but it just doesn't feel right.

    The fantasies are intense and frequent but in the real world I find women attractive...100% of the time - I want to touch, caress feel, but when I come home and I get withdrawn i fantasize about being gay.

    I have heard porn can mess up your brain, I don't watch it, but could it be something like that?

    I am willing to accept I am gay if I really thought it was true and I have tried to look into 'denial' and I have even 'hoped' for finding some guy on the street attractive so I can affirm this one way or the other - I am tired of mental masturbation over it, it seems like a diversion/waste of time taking me away from other things I have to and want to do in my life.

    I don't doubt I have 'hetero' hang ups about acceptance but it just doesn't seem real.
     
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  2. Ronfindsit

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    I'm wondering have you ever had gay sex, or has it just been a feeling, a urge, and thoughts inside ?
    If not then maybe you should try and hook up with someone, and start slow ( maybe mutual manual) and see how it feels !!! Then take it from there.
     
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  3. out2019

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    Just urge and thoughts inside, and escalated since i came here -
    as i wrote elsewhere:

    I can tell if a man is good looking and had a good body but i don't get turned on in real life. in real life, lets say I am at the gym, i see a woman with a nice ass ... man i want to jump in ! it's instinctual...

    since trying to 'accept' being gay - i have to tried to do the same with good looking men i see and the thought.. no offense to anyone here.. just disgusts me... i don't mean this from a moral standpoint - i mean like my body reacts like 'yech... no thanks'...

    Could i 'train' myself to have sex with a guy, well yeah i guess, but what's the point - to me my real life feedback that seems natural should be taken into account too...

    Maybe this fantasizing is a form of 'porn' for me?

    Again, I really tried, i thought it was 'real' and just stuck in my head like other people said, but it's been months and months and real life doesn't budge... In real life instinctively fascinated and aroused by women - but its almost like masturbation has been hijacked by gay fantasies.

    People here said it was denial and i was willing to accept that and try but no changes in my real life attractions at all -

    maybe the fantasy is just an escape from my real life? it pops up when anxiety is high, etc..
     
    #3 out2019, Mar 24, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 24, 2019
  4. NotTooLoud

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    Conventional wisdom dictates an either/or philosophy. But sexuality is more of spectrum. It's not always one way or another. Some people are attractive to me because they are brilliant; others are very physically appealing. Some people are very, very gay, and some are really straight. Everybody else is in the "in between."
     
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  5. out2019

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    thanks, yeah could be i am questioning something that doesn't have a definitive answer... I decided i am just going to try to take it as it comes in real life... if i meet a guy i find attractive and want to have sex, well, maybe i am gay - but this whole trying to 'come out' and look for clues buried in my past that proved i was gay seems like it's become time and thought consuming and reallly getting in the way of actually living my life!

    Its becoming agonizing to the point i wish i would stop being attracted to women and just be sure i was gay.. but its just something i don't seem able to swallow... in real life i see a beautiful woman and i get that WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! from my gut...not all beautiful women do that for me but no guy has ever done it.

    my fantasizing about guys feels great, but it also feels like an escape.
     
    #5 out2019, Mar 24, 2019
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  6. justaguyinsf

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    I would focus on your "real life" experiences ... with whom you have had sex, whether you really enjoyed it, what sort of fantasies did you need to use to have an orgasm. I find women and men attractive at different times, but the feeling is markedly stronger with men. I get turned on from touching women and men equally I would say, but in order to have an orgasm with a woman I have to fantasize about men. But what I enjoy most about sex is feeling emotionally connected ... especially with men ... so NSA sex isn't very appealing to me, which places me outside of the norm of the "gay community." So my situation is somewhat ambiguous and I have several choices ranging from going fully gay and announcing that as my identity, remaining open to a woman or man depending on the attraction to that specific person without making a public declaration of my sexuality, or deciding to follow the more traditional hetero route and confining my gay thoughts to fantasies. Each has benefits and drawbacks. I've thus come to the conclusion that there is no one clear answer, except for being honest with whomever I decide to be with and to the degree appropriate for the circumstances ... for example, if I were to become seriously involved with a woman telling her about my desires for other men (I can't really hide my "other side" from other men because I was married to a woman and have a child). By the way, I also think that masturbating and porn can shape your desires. So the overarching conclusions are that you have choices in how you respond to your urges and desires, your desires are often spontaenous and not in your control but you can probably make some of them less urgent by redirecting your thoughts and behavior away from them, and yes you can be a straight guy with gay fantasies. Acceptance, self-respect, and honesty are the keys.

    Addendum: you posted two minutes before I did ... I think you hit the nail on the head.
     
    #6 justaguyinsf, Mar 24, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
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  7. out2019

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    @justaguyinsf thank you - very helpful and balanced...
    Sex desire is a pretty wild force seems like when i am in this gay fantasy mode i also do things like make impulsive purchases, etc.
    i am beginning to think that what i use to stimulate myself (masturabation) is not necessarily equal to my sexual desires... really the only one i am emotionally connecting with when i masturbate is myself and the construction of another person not a real person...
    in real life i have never found a guy attractive. I fantasized about one later a gay kid in high school - but i distinctly remembered that ( i was a teenager masturbating) that he was the only one who i could imagine would WANT to give me a blow job.. almost like a low self esteem thing...
    I am also going to 'try' to not let them 'worry' me its like they are becoming intrusive to my thought and concentration... it almost feels like a compulsion or addiction...
     
  8. Nickw

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    @amiready

    So...this was asked by another poster. Have you been intimate with a man...a woman? Why not?

    This might sound a bit glib. But, it is not all that difficult to find a guy and go on a date. Have a beer, get to know him, let yourself go a bit and see where it ends up. Not talking a hookup...just let yourself feel something without analyzing it.

    I've hooked up a couple times. NOT satisfying. So I wouldn't base my sexuality on a hookup necessarily. But, just be as open and accepting as you can be...

    Here's a thought I have. I used to hate this angst of trying to figure out my sexuality. Good grief! Finally, one day, I had this thought....why shouldn't this be fun? I mean on the face of it. You are out there trying to determine who turns you on...couldn't that make you laugh a bit and enjoy?
     
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  9. NotTooLoud

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    This also may depend on your age. If you are not yet in your 30's; I'd say there's still plenty of time to just have fun, and perhaps try to figure things out for yourself as you do. If you crave a conventional life (marriage, kids, etc.), you'll still have plenty of time for all of it, with a partner of either gender, later on. If you go on a journey of self discovery, I strongly suggest doing so as a single person.
     
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  10. Solita

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    @amiready

    I'm dealing with something a little similar to you....

    I'm playing devil's advocate but how would you feel if you just decided that you're a straight guy who loves gay fantasies? And left it at that?
    Would that feel okay? And if not, why not?

    You spoke about 'training' yourself to be gay...what would happen if you tried to train yourself to be straight (albeit with gay fantasies)?

    I've been going through the mental exercises of 'deciding' that I'm straight, gay and bisexual and I haven't found a 'final answer' but I've discovered and remembered some somewhat surprising things....It's been quite valuable for me and I'm feeling much more at ease with exploring all of this than I was initially.
     
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  11. Chip

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    I would disagree with this statement. The "norm" that justaguyinsf is referring to isn't actually the norm; it is the most visible attribute of the subset of gay men who frequent clubs and bars and who are found on hookup apps. But there is an equally large (or larger) contingent of gay men who appreciate and need the emotional connection. And unlike some would tell you, these folks aren't 'demisexual', they are simply emotionally adjusted men in touch with their vulnerability, which enables them to feel the depth of emotional connection that many "typical" (i.e., more visible) gay men have difficulty with.

    Also, what the research has told us is that porn can, over time, create numbing to typical/ordinary sexual experience, which is why many men (straight and gay) find themselves seeking more extreme porn. But there is zero evidence that it impacts sexual orientation. If it did, then gay men could spend years watching straight porn to make themselves straight. And many gay men have tried, but they don't succeed... because that isn't how it works.

    So that in itself is actually a powerful statement,and may be a window into the difficulty you are having figuring things out. If your fantasies are dependent on people finding you attractive, then certainly that is going to a worthiness/self-esteem issue, which could well be impacting how you experience arousal. If you don't believe any gay men would find you attractive, then it could well be an unconscious defense ("I don't want to acknowledge any same-sex attraction, because no gay guy would want me, so I'll reject that idea so I don't get hurt".)

    There's a lot here to unpack, for sure. So the idea of simply letting things flow naturally and see where they lead may be the best plan. And seeing a therapist and working on the issues you've been talking about here would also be wise.
     
  12. NotTooLoud

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    A young girl flirted with me today; it felt good. I felt an attraction to her, but not a sexual attraction. She was just so nice.
     
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  13. whistle1

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    I must echo the sentiments of Solita when she asked about simply being a straight man with gay fantasies.

    Your post sounds almost like something I could have written.

    I am, and have always been, very much attracted to women both physically and emotionally.

    By contrast, I am not physically or emotionally attracted to men. In fact, I never even notice men when I am out and about.

    My "curiosity" only focuses on the genitals.

    Like you, I have had many fantasies about "being with" other men - in my case, with trans women as well.

    In my case, I have no intention of running out to have sex with a man or trans woman just to see if I like it.

    I am content with the notion that this is likely just a fantasy. I don't see anything "wrong" with that - and neither should you if that's what you decide.
     
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  14. out2019

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    Yes>it's like i can't imagine (literally!) a woman who i am attracted to having sex with me - my 'fantasies' when they are about women are fatter, older (no offense here, just being blunt) like they are the only ones who'd want me...

    I want to emphasize, i obviously have some issues with accepting sexuality -but if i saw a guy in real life like my fantasies i'd go for it!

    when that happens, i get very aroused... it just doesn't happen often.

    I am actually revolted about real life- again no offense to anyone but it's a gut reaction...i have tried to make myself look sexually...yech! but i have a gut attraction to beautiful women (not all, i have my types)
    again not to get graphic, but when I see a woman with a nice body, yeah, i want to touch, smell, feel, ... never feel that way with a guy in real life, but i can say 'yeah he's handsome' ...
     
    #14 out2019, Mar 29, 2019
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  15. out2019

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    I definately have some self esteem issues i think, during high anxiety times - when these urges come, and impulsive shopping, i also find myself saying 'i hate myself' to myself.. just automatically... i didn't think it really effects me but certainly it's not a healthy sign!
     
  16. out2019

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    I think over fantasizing, like pornography, can detract from seeking real life intimacy- i would prefer the two were in harmony with each other. but as long as they didn't interfere with real life i could just leave it at that - its becoming way to much of an intrusive thought...

    i think it's ok to just accept that they are there- anxiety comes from worrying about it and worse, trying to validate one way or the other...
     
  17. Chip

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    It affects you very deeply, actually, and is most likely deeply tied in with the confusion you are having. The self-esteem issues aren't limited to high-anxiety times; emotionally healthy, wholehearted people don't ever say "I hate myself". They might say "That was a dumb decision" or "I know I could do better", but "I hate myself" is shame self-talk.

    I don't know if I've already suggested watching Brené Brown's TED talks (forgive me if I have), but if not, please go search them out on Youtube. In order, they are "The Power of Vulnerability", "The Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame". If you have an hour (total) to watch all three, they're all different, but key very deeply to the issues that shame creates, and I think this might be a good connection for you.
     
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  18. out2019

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    thanks i am going to watch them - i don't expect a 'solution' just insight.
     
  19. out2019

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    i felt that way but i am reading this book
    https://psychcentral.com/lib/finally-out-letting-go-of-living-straight/
    about a gay guy who came out and discovered he was gay later in life...many men 'in the closet' keep that line maintain their cognitive dissidence between their sexual desires and their self perception.
    that makes sense too.. I guess that's what gets confusing.
    Its perfectly possible to have fantasies that you don't want in real life, on the other hand it might be calling someone to a life they have been denying themselves.
     
  20. Yossarian

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    Not trying to be a sidewalk psychiatrist here, but the way you describe your feelings sounds more like a self-esteem issue primarily rather than a gay fantasy sort of thing. If you look at handsome men and find them attractive, particularly if you imagine that if you looked like them, gay men and straight women would find YOU more attractive, then that would suggest *to me* that your attraction to them is more of a self-esteem issue, possibly feeling that you are inadequate in some way compared to the Adonis you are looking at (but say you are repulsed at the idea of having actual sex with). Almost ALL of us can look at a real or pictured studly looking guy and tell right away that he is someone who most people would see as sexually attractive; ditto for beautiful women whether you are straight or gay. Humans are primed from birth to see certain facial and physical body features as attractive, and others as not so nice. That is not really relevant to the issue you are describing.

    IF you see an attractive man and admire his body and appearance, it means you find that appearance appealing. Maybe you just want to look like him. Maybe you want him to want to be your friend and value your company and worth. In other words, maybe you want to be appealing to him, but feel that you wouldn't be, given the low esteem you hold about your own appearance. That is not the same thing as wanting to feel his body pressed against yours and his dick inside you, or his mouth kissing your lips; those thoughts would be purely sexual attraction; gay men often have these kind of feelings of attraction and fantasies to some degree; truly-straight men don't.

    Since you have never had actual sexual contact with another man, and have been conditioned to think of gay sex as an aberration by the world we all live in (whether you realize it or not), your mind doesn't really want to go there from where you are right now. That can be confusing IF you really were to be gay in orientation, but have never investigated those suppressed sexual desires during puberty when we all should have; it is a big leap from being a practicing, even married, heterosexual to submitting yourself to sexual acts with another male. It would be a further lowering of your self-esteem if you considered yourself subordinate to him sexually as well as physically, so your brain may telling you "no way, yuck, not interested in going there" as a defense mechanism, overriding any gay "curiosity" instincts you may have or think you have to protect you.

    IDK how much anyone can help you on a site like this if your issue is actually a self-esteem one rather than some kind of sexual hangup. Since you say you are functioning heterosexually in your current setting, but are being distracted by these "gay fantasies", you are probably going to need the help of a professional therapist to help you sort these feelings out. Frequently, gay men have performance problems with their wives if their interests lie with the same sex rather than females. Before doing a lot of gay experimenting that could cause its own problems, please consider working on these self-esteem issues with a professional, which you would want to resolve regardless of whether your ultimate resolution is to be with a male or female partner, emotionally as well as sexually.
     
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