Just how fluid is sexuality?

I'd be interested in learning more about that. As someone who's other half recently did a 180 on him. lol I have to admit I think sometimes it's hard to wrap my mind around it because I am like you couldn't have figured this all out earlier? lol It really does make you replay every conversation you ever had with the person regarding sexuality when that 180 happens. Sad thing is I've spent the first several days when I was told hitting google and believe me I think I've googled a good half of the internet and found nothing solid or concrete on the subject matter.

 

I knew from a very young age but was shamed and guilted and threatened into conforming to a heterosexual way of living for survival, and it did a number on my psychological health: Self-hatred, internalized homophobia, repression, downplaying my same sex attraction, overvaluing men when I don't really have much attraction or interests towards them, and so on.

Like I'm sorry, it is hard to have someone just up and say "Sorry hun but I'm gay, goodbye." and I'm sorry that it happened to you, but.. like at the same time, the tone your post feels a little insensitive and dismissive.

 

Right, I don't downplay the pain that the other (heterosexual) partner goes through upon finding out the truth about their life partners. It's painful, I know. Nobody really deserves that. And yet at the same time, I wish that I was confident in what I knew deep down about who I am to not get involve with men, but you have to understand that for many gay people, especially who live in certain homophobic cultures or religions, that even if they wanted to just be with the same sex or even nobody at all, it just wasn't possible unless you were ready to face a world of abuse. And I'm no stranger to that world at all.

 

Indeed.
Only time will tell if the repression and heteronormativity of the past is the reason for these seemingly unexplained "180"s and shifts in orientation. Maybe research on the new generation will be the answer to this mystery...im interested in seeing the future of this field

 

Fluidity is seen more in bisexuals and pansexuals, people who are attracted to more than one gender. 180 doesn’t apply to them as they were already attracted to both the genders ( or more) from the beginning.
As for discovering your sexuality Later in your life, if you ask them, they might have at the least experienced a fleeting attraction in their younger years. They would thought of it as a one time thing or ignored it or be scared to explore it.

Trust your partner to stick with you for the long haul. Talk to them about your insecurities, when you think things are getting serious. Ask them if they had felt any same sex attraction. Communication never caused any harm to a relationship. More importantly, strongly believe that your relationship will last for a long. It will because you seem like a wonderful person. Don’t be scared. Enjoy the moment.

Have a nice day.
V

 

I think we will see less and less “later in lifers” as time goes on. Younger people are not as hung up on compulsory heterosexuality. They seem open to being honest about their sexual orientation, which in turn frees them from having to pretend just to fit into society. From my perspective it’s seems like more and more young people are coming out as gay or lesbian with a strong mix of bisexuals as well. This only bodes well for the future. Our LGBTQ center just featured a story about 2 young men in high school both 15 who came out to their families and the school community. Both played sports, good students, community spirited just all American boys who happen to be boyfriends. To me this is a true example of bravery and honest. I wish I had been that brave.

 

Yes, exactly I think the growing bi population is just a new generation being more open to desire/attraction of all kinds instead of honing in on labels. In the past it was 'I wonder why I like them so much', but now its 'huh I think I am attracted to that person'. A good step forward

 

Zerak for some that is no doubt the case. Wanting to avoid hurt, damage and sense of having wasted years. For me once I truly acknowledged my same sex attraction there was no way I could continue in a straight relationship. Romantically, physically, and most importantly emotionally I had moved on. I feel that my straight years are the wasted time I wish had back. If there was a time machine,and I could go back I would have come out as a teen. My homosexuality was there all along.

 

This has been a good thread, I hope, to make it less frightening for you that you or someone you love will just, arbitrarily, change orientation.

As for denial, in my case I was sure I was heterosexual (though I didn’t like the label “straight”) when I first came to EC. I think I found the site as a result of it being mentioned at the adult sexuality course I took through my religion, or maybe as I googled during that time period. Was I in denial? I know I was pushed by Chip and others to consider there were enough questions that I should just embrace the fact I was not heterosexual — I was even told to look in the mirror and just tell myself “I’m Gay.” That particular suggestion was not useful, and played into the old “there is only gay or straight” limitations of society (at least the way I was exposed to things over the years). I had no reason to fear being gay, it just didn’t fit.

As for negation of all the former years of my life: Embracing the Bisexual label has been good for me. In my case nothing is negated from my past - my love was (and is) genuine for my wife, the horny reactions I had to females when I was younger still count, and my sometimes noticing guys from my teens now finally fits too. The current male-centered fantasies I’m having fit. I haven’t done a 180, and my embrace of bisexuality didn’t end up being arbitrary because I can see ways there were hints (even though no one else tells me they saw it in me, which is disappointing, and so it must seem arbitrary for the person who is taking this the hardest, my wife).

Some real-life gay friends I’ve met talk about how they loved their former wives, but could never go back to that - they are even older than me, and came out later in life when things were not so good years ago, and I have the sense they envy younger folks who come out “so easily” as teens (or even 20’s) in ways these AARP-age gay guys could not have imagined possible when they were young. I think I’m the only one in the room who is fresh in the process and says I’m still surprised that it came up in late-middle-age for me though. My LGBTQ center (and area therapists) don’t have a group for coming out as LGB (I think there may be a “T” group), and to me that signals the wave may be subsiding for the later in lifers, and the need for a real-life-in-person group just isn’t there for the young crowd.

I love how @Contented describes his different situation. It is great you are getting so many varieties of responses.

 

Many later in lifers tell me they love their wives even after coming to terms with their homosexuality and I certainly believe them. Some can even maintain a physical relationship. For me I realized after accepting the fact that I am gay,I never really truly loved either my ex-wife or ex-girlfriend. To this day I feel bad that I could not give them real love. I don’t mean I used them sexually or entered into a relationship fraudulently, it’s just until I came out I never really knew what true love was. My relationship with my BF is so far superior to anything I experienced with women. This is cemented in my mind based on how quickly I lost all interest in females once honestly declaring to myself once and for all I was 100% gay. Embracing gay opened up a world of feelings, passion, sharing and caring I never imagined prior. For the first time I know what love is, how it feels, the sense of being one with another is so intoxicating and wonderful.
Could never go back , wouldn’t want to, nothing compares to what we have now.

 

I am sorry my comment felt a little insensitive and dismissive to you. That is couldn't be further from the truth my friend. If I am anything it is extremely sensitive and attuned considering my own situation. Maybe it's the way I typed it or that I simplified my situation in jest. Which to be perfectly honest it's a coping mechanism of mine. It's just my way of hiding how truly messed up inside I am am right now. So please do not read to much in to that. My mind was in fact finding mode when I wrote that and I would very much be interested in reading any materials regarding it.

I actually do have a post in the LGBT Later In Life section where I asked advice and got a lot of wonderful insights on the matter. So if you read that and still have that impression please let me know because I am seriously doing it wrong. If I have become if anything along those lines I'd say I am extremely insensitive and dismissive to myself and really when it comes to that I simply can not care. I put her first. That's just how it is. I am sure she picks up on that. She tries to get me to talk. I'd just rather listen now that I got my wind back and let her figure herself out. Then I'll worry about me mate. lol Anyway sorry if my comments gave the wrong impression. Wasn't my intention.

Having said that I get what your saying however keep this in mind. To me when you choose a partner to spend your life with that means that is the person you open and bare it all to. Now considering this isn't my first rodeo ride with her on the topic of sexuality and we have had some very open discussions it's hard for me personally to wrap my mind around considering before in these conversations she was strong, confident, and convicted in her answers. So to have the coin flipped and when you get answers instead of seeing that same confidence, conviction, and strength in those answers your seeing confusion, uncertainty, and basing it off material they read that told them to ask themselves certain questions so this must be it then yes it does make a person wonder some stuff. Especially when the answers change every time the conversation comes up. So the only choice any sane rational person can do who is trying to be loving and supportive is look and say, "Hey you obviously got some stuff to work out. So you just get back to me on it when you do.". I mean really what else can you say or do in that situation?

My gut instinct generally has about a 99.9% accuracy rating. That's not a brag because I actually hate it some times. My instinct however tells me she is more confused then anything. Now I am ok if I am the 1% chance wrong. Heck we can even call it denial. Just something feels off. I keep my opinions to myself because I don't want to influence her. I want her to work it out on her own. I've have had a lot of gay friends and even family in my life time and the conversations we have had they are just unlike anything I have ever heard before.

However I am open to the there is a first time for everything rule. lol Now when she can sit at the table with me and have the same exact strength, confidence, and conviction in our conversations she once possessed then I will know she worked it out for her self. In the mean time all I can do is love her, support her, listen to her, and try to be the rock she needs me to be while dealing with my own stuff inside quietly. At the end of the day no matter what nothing will change how I feel about her. If anything I'd be more concerned about her feelings changing. That being said we are still hanging in there and we still have passion and romance between us and to coin a phrase of mine she loves that I use when the odds are against me, "Some times even the sun shines on a dogs a** some days.". So I am not out the race just yet. lol