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Dealing with a friend

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Questions93, Mar 18, 2019.

  1. Questions93

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    Hey guys,

    I posted a little while ago about finding it difficult to deal with other people's problems, when I'm so exhausted trying to figure out my own.

    Well I have a bit of an update, and I'm not really sure if I'm looking for advice, or just to get it out, or what... Anyway here it is...

    I've been worried that my friend has been struggling with depression. It's hard not to see it, when its basically all the things I do when I'm going through a bad patch. I have been fairly obvious, when I say "are you ok, you seem to spending a lot of time locked away in your room, is something up", but things were confirmed after many drinks at the weekend, when she said "I know why you keep asking me that, and I am struggling".

    The problem is, the reason she is struggling is because she's finding it hard to deal with the fact that her brother killed himself last year. I have tried to be a good friend, but I have to keep some distance because I feel like a hypocrite. I can't discuss this with her when I've had suicidal thoughts for the last few years. I can't deal with the thought, that if I ended up doing something bad, that I could be another person she has to deal with killing themselves. So I've tried to be ok in front of her. Although some times I let slip that I used to see a therapist and passed on some advice that might help. So she knows I have struggled before.

    However, at the weekend when some of this stuff came out. She told me outright that she knew I was suicidal last year. This pretty much knocked the stuffing out of me. I felt so sick. I feel like I've done something bad, that even though I've seen how devastating it was for her, when her brother killed himself, that I have basically gone and done this to her. I did try and hide it so no one would have to burden themselves with knowing it, but obviously I didnt do it well enough.

    I don't know how to feel about the whole thing now. We basically pretended it didnt happen the next day. Also don't worry, I'm not suicidal now. I still have a poor outlook on long term future at times, but that's been pretty much normal for last few years. I'm all good at the moment :slight_smile:
     
  2. YesHomo

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    First of all, I'm glad that you've been doing better recently! It seems as though your friend really cares about you and certainly doesn't see you as a burden. It's difficult to have a family member commit suicide, and I'm sure she wants to help you so you don't do something similar. I think it's good to have another reason to not do anything drastic, and it seems as though she is another reason for you to keep on living. Which is always a plus :slight_smile: Overall, I think she is just trying to help you out by acknowledging the situation. You're not a burden, and it's very admirable that you would try to be sensitive to her after she went through something horrible. You sound like a good friend :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Questions93

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    Hey YesHomo,

    Thanks for the reply :slight_smile:

    Honestly, that seems to make me feel worse about the whole situation, but I do know what you mean.

    Not really. I know she's struggling but I can't help because I still want to keep that distance.
     
  4. smurf

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    There is something very common that happens to many lgbt people where we believe that we are a burden if we ask for help. We think other people have so much shit to deal with, why would I be selfish and add onto that plate? It makes sense enough to not see it as a problem.

    BUT I want to at least let you know that is not healthy.

    You aren't a burden on people, you sharing and admitting that yes you were suicidal and still deal with it isn't being selfish, and yes its okay to talk about it all.

    The distance that you are keeping from people is preventing you from truly connecting with them. That lack of connection feeds your suicidal thoughts. Its a vicious fucking circle and sadly you have to break it if you want to feel better at some point.

    Talking about our suicidal thoughts its scary, but man they lose their edge once they stop being this horrible secret we keep with us. I have personally thought of killing myself many a times when I was younger. At one point I said "I'm going to die anyway, so fuck it lets go all out" and I thought I wasn't going to be alive past 25. Shit happens. Shit is hard to deal with.

    Now I make it a point to talk about this in public. I bring it up and discuss it so other people know that 1) so many people feel that way 2) you can get out of it 3) its not a personal failing to feel suicidal.

    You got this.
     
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  5. Questions93

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    Hey Smurf,

    But people do have so much shit to deal with. Maybe it's just my negative outlook on things, but I feel that everyone is struggling. It just seems like no one is happy, everyone is being crushed by something. Maybe I just don't notice people who are doing well.

    Take my friend for example. She's having a really tough time, I genuinely think that she couldn't handle something like me telling her about this shit. Even friends that I think could handle it, I don't want them to feel the need that they constantly have to make sure I'm ok. I want them to enjoy being around me, not to have to work to deal with my shit.

    I know. You are right. Obviously there's still that rejection fear though. I've felt like I'm just about managing to hang in for the last while, so the thought of something tipping me over the edge is something that stops me from taking a risk and just going for things.

    This is where I seem to be stuck, how did you get past this. I know it's just a mentality thing. Like I'm not currently in distress, but just have this overall grim outlook. I've tried to be more positive about things, but it's like deep down you just know it's all pretend.

    Thanks man, for the reply. It does mean a lot, and although I tend to appear like I give up and don't take any of the suggestions I get on here on board, I genuinely do. So I do appreciate everyones input :slight_smile: Have a good one!
     
  6. smurf

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    Your needs are imporntant. You desrve to be supported.

    That's it. That's the main point.

    You matter, your needs matter and you deserve support. Let people who love you support you! Trust people around you to 1) know their limits 2) trust on their ability to handle shit

    You are definitely not going to like the answer. That's why its so hard to get out of it.

    In order to get out of being stuck you have to.....talk about all the scary thoughts you are bottling in order to protect others. Terrifying, right? haha

    Honestly, you have to learn that asking for help is fine and that you are not a burden. Its not about people taking care of you and its more about everyone taking care of each other.

    Like, yes people do have hard lives. Some people have way harder lives than us. But if we all take care of each other then its much bearable for everyone involved.

    A cool thing that you can do is teach people how to take care of you.

    We sometimes think there is only one way to to do it and its usually from the movies.

    For example, I just had a friend post on FB about a fairly hard episode she just had. She didn't go into details, but she did say "I need some time to myself. I know some of you guys get worried when I go silent for a bit, but DO NOT check up on me, ask me about this in person or text me. Help me by giving me space and then welcoming me back into your lives once I feel up for it"

    And guess what? We are all ready to do just that. I liked the status and that is it. You know what will happen when she is ready to see people again? I will text her and invite her to hang out. I also trust her to reach out if she really needs contact until then.

    Would I be able to do that if she hadn't told me how to help? No. There is simply no way for me to have been helpful if she hand't told us how to help.

    So, tell your friends! They care about you even if you don't believe that. If you don't know what you need, tell them that. Tell them "not sure how to make this better, but I just wanted to talk about it with you. Just please don't bring it up again until I'm ready to do so" that would help them know what you are going through and that you don't want them constantly check in on them.
     
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  7. Questions93

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    Hey Smurf.

    Sorry for late reply, but thank you.

    Youre right. I dont like the answer! Haha but i do know its true.

    I dont know when i will have the courage to talk to people about things, but hopefully i will start to talk about things in the near future. Its a very difficult conversation to start, but i will try (although it may take a few drinks)

    Thanks again :slight_smile: