Hey everyone. Some may remember that about a couple months back I posted how I was completely head-over-heels for a Scottish exchange student (girl) - my first time dating someone (I'm 20). I'm in some extreme emotional turmoil right now and if anyone could give me their advice, it would be so so appreciated. So essentially it is safe to say that I am in love with this girl. When we first started dating, we spent so much time together and smiled and laughed all the time and I adored absolutely everything about her - from her pink candy hair to her smile to her fun-loving yet calming presence. She loved all the things about me that I loved about myself, and I found that I was more happy and comfortable with her than I had ever been in my life. We like all the same things and have this genuine appreciation for life that so many others don't. I have never felt like this with anyone, and if soulmates are real, she could easily be mine. I knew right off the bat that I wanted to be her girlfriend, and that I would even move to Scotland (I'm in Canada) if things progressed that far. Everything just felt so easy and so right. The problems started on our fourth date when she mentioned that she recently broke up with her first long-term girlfriend who lives in the UK, and that she still loves her, and wants to get back together with her when she goes back to Scotland. She said she has seen other people in Canada and didn't tell them this, but told me because she really likes me and felt it was going somewhere. She was fidgeting a lot while telling me this. She said she really likes me and wanted to keep seeing me. This absolutely broke my heart, but I told her I wanted to keep seeing her (since I knew just saying goodbye then would leave me with so much regret and "what ifs"). We had another date after that, and we got very close and things got pretty intimate (but in a wholesome way). She left the next day for a two-week trip out of the country. When she got back, I felt things were different. She was much more distant, and didn't seem to want to see me as much as I wanted to see her. Whereas I would go out of my way to see her, she would prioritize seemingly everything else over spending time with me (to the extent that we didn't go on another date for another month). (I also know her housemates had been telling her to stop seeing me) She's recently explained to me that she struggles with depression, she is having troubles with her family, and she is failing some of her classes. She said that her being distant had nothing to do with me, but with her current circumstance, and that she doesn't want to hurt me. The result: I've been consciously holding back how I really feel about her. I try to seem more nonchalant when messaging her and I stop myself from cuddling up to her in public or saying things like "you are so so wonderful". Because I don't want to scare her off or whatever. She seems so much more detached than when we first met and I think part of that is her depression, and I don't want to pressure her, but I want to be myself around her as well. This is something that's been tearing me up for a long time. It's getting close to exams, and she leaves in a few weeks, and I don't know what to do. Any and all advice is appreciated <3
Hopefully she's getting some professional help, and your university should have counseling services for students. You might suggest she utilize them. Depression can make everything she does, even basic tasks, seem overwhelming. Also, I think while probably cuddling or overt flirtation may not be the best, you can still be honest to her about how much you like her while still respecting her wishes. She may not have been totally over her ex, so try not to take things too hard.
Thank you so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. Everything you said is extremely helpful and also gave me a bit of peace. Have a great day
I'm seeing this a bit differently. Maybe not a way that you would like. It is incredibly harmful for you to make excuses for people based on thinking they are depressed. Even if that were the case, the person still has an obligation to be self-aware enough to communicate their needs to other people. If I'm ever depressed, the first thing I will do is let my husband know so he will give me some leeway in the next couple of days as I get my shit together. I also go out of my way to let my husband know that while I may act differently, I still love him very much. Fuck using depression as an excuse to mistreat people you care about. The real reason she is more detached now than before is because, sadly, she is just not that into you anymore. Believe people when they show you their true intentions. Its super sad and it will hurt, but it will hurt way more if you keep holding onto this girl when she hasn't given any consideration to your feelings. Time to walk away it seems like. Mourn it, be sad, but can't keep giving all your energy to a person who is not ready to receive it.
I understand where you're coming from and I can see how you may be correct. I thought that she wasn't that into me anymore because that's the vibes I was getting. When I brought this up to her, she told me she was so sorry it came across like that, that she isn't very good at expressing how low she gets with her depression, and that her current situation / how she's been feeling is what was causing her to be distant. So that's what confused me. I agree with you, mental health is not an excuse to treat people poorly, and she must not be nearly as attached to me as she once was. But I can tell that she still cares for me by how she talks to me, just not in the same excited "let's go do things!" way that she was before. So I've just been patient with her, because I truly do care about her. I know that despite her struggles, I am not being treated the way I need to be in a relationship. I wish it could've been different but I guess it was a healthy thing that I've been slowly distancing myself emotionally. I do want to get everything off my chest and make sure she knows how much she meant to me before we part ways. And I really hope I find someone like her again (but someone who values me more, regardless of circumstance). Thanks for your advice, I hope you have a great day
You're making a lot of broad statements based on limited information. None of us are mind readers who can know what this girl's "real reasons" are. Also, describing depression as something that can be fixed in a few days is incredibly patronizing and ignorant of how mental illnesses work. If she says she struggles with depression and has family/school problems, then it's important to take her at her word.
This. So much this. I don't doubt that she cares for you deeply. Sadly, she is just not in a position to give you what you deserve. And its okay to walk away in order to put our own needs in the forefront. Seems I might have triggered something, so let me try to reexplain myself. I have had some really bad depression my whole life. I have contemplated suicide a lot and thought I wouldn't make it to 25. I can get over my depressing episodes in a week or so now because I worked my ass off to get here. I also take certain measures to make sure I get a little depressive episodes as I can a year. I will continue to have depressive episodes my whole life. So I had to learn how to handle myself and keep treating the people that I love with the respect they deserve. My depression is still not an excuse for people to feel unwanted around me. None of that takes away from the real pain that we experience during depression and the struggle to be able to bounce back. It fucking sucks. BUT you still have a responsibility to treat people around you with respect, love and consideration.
So where I'm at right now is that I'm just giving her some space, and letting her set the pace. I am keeping my feelings for her a little bit more reserved since she is not in a position to reciprocate, but I make sure she knows I'm there for her, and I meet up with her occasionally to provide support and check in. I had a bit of a bad night myself (with something unrelated) last night and she came to where I was doing work to give me a hug and make sure I was okay. So while our dynamic isn't fun and 'dating', we care deeply about each other and are supporting each other. Since she leaves in a few weeks, this may be how things end up between us. I'm still glad for the incredible experience she gave me and I think despite the difficulties, I've grown from it, and I'm glad it happened. If we do end up having some quiet time before she leaves, I'll make sure she knows how much she means to me, even if the case is that she doesn't reciprocate that. Thank you so much resu and smurf for replying and helping me through this!
