Well, I think it's safe to say that my life has turned upside down since I realized that I am gay and transgender. Basically, my feelings for guys have vanished, I have new ones for women and I constantly think about my gender. I was born female. I'm really really depressed. My marriage won't work anymore and I have 3 kids to raise. My job requires me to network and be lively but I can't do this. I actually want to run away and start a new life as a guy. I want to leave everything behind, I'm not good for my kids atm but I have no where to leave them.
Hi @Butterfly6 - I'm sorry your life is so turned upside-down right now. It's not easy to have these realizations. Please know that you're not alone - keep posting here. Do you have anyone you can talk with? Maybe there's an LGBT resource center near you. It's great posting here, and talking with someone supportive would be even better. I wish you strength, courage, light and clarity. Big hugs- =Sevn
I've started to see a therapist who specializes in LGBTQ issues and is queer herself. It's not helping though. I hate my kids, my job and just want to left alone. I don't live near a LGBTQ centre, I dont have a lot of freedom with our son being only 4 months. Also, a lot of my life is lived in the public. This is a total nightmare. I hope I don't wake up anymore.
Ok, I think I'm getting a better understanding of what you're going through. It's intense, and it's been going on for a while, if you're already seeing a therapist. It's good that you know that your kids have to be cared for, if not by you,then by someone else. Counselors are like most all relationships: either you connect or you don't. If you don't feel like this counselor is helping you, then you should probably try another. Do you have any friends or family who you can talk with?
Hi, I just started seeing this therapist. We've barely done anything so far. There is unfortunately no one I can speak to. I have tried talking to my best friend but I feel like she doesnt understand at all, no straight person would. I wish I could just be left alone and my husband can take his kids...and raise them. I think it's better I don't stay here anymore, but I'm scared that my kids could become like me and I should stick around to help them. I just try to tell myself it's okay if you're gay and transgender and go on with my life. But it's not helping, I want to be dead. I miss my old life...my family, my self. It's all gone.
Oh @Butterfly6... please know that it will get better. What you’re going through right now is so overwhelming. It won’t be like this forever though. It’s totally common to want to run away or to feel like life isn’t worth living... I’ve been there. Heck, sometimes I still go there. But you keep going and you realize that even if it’s tiny right now, there is hope. I’m SO glad you are with a therapist, especially an LGBTQ one. As someone pointed out, you may or may not connect with this person, but give it a bit more time maybe. As for your straight BFF, I find that my close straight friends really do want to help, and they can, but of course they’ll never truly understand. Keep coming back to these boards. Sometimes you all are my only connection to gayland while I continue on my own journey, but it sure does help. Can you get a little time away from your family? A long weekend alone? A week with a friend? Some space can help you get a little more clarity on things, and give you a break without necessarily feeling like you have to totally run away. And I think we’ve commiserated about our jobs before... being visible and having to be “on.” It’s SO hard some days. All I can do is get through each hour of each day... of course, then you finish work and your home and family is supposed to be your refuge, but with everything going on right now, it’s not. Again, I think you need to do everything you can to get some space. Even if it’s locking yourself in your room for an hour for a “nap” (which may involve actual sleeping, reading, journaling, meditating, crying, or some combination of those things)...
Hey @Butterfly6 Take some deep breaths here. @L8bloomer has some wonderful suggestions about trying to get a break from your life. The other thing that I had to do before I came out to my wife was to take a break from EVERYTHING regarding my issues with my sexuality and coming out to my wife. I was just overwhelmed. So, I decided I could procrastinate about any decisions. Hell, I procrastinate about enough other stuff. I set my "alarm" on snooze. I did this by deciding I would go road biking 1000 miles and when I was done I would again be free to worry and obsess over what to do. It did a couple things. The exercise was good for me and the distance from the constant worry about the "what ifs" was so calming. There was something about being able to say " this is really important and I don't want to forget it but I need to be away from it". I don't know if this can work for you. I've heard other people talk about putting "issues in a box on a shelf". In other words, they are there for you to take down and deal with but you can leave the box on the shelf for a bit if you need to and not worry it will go away. We're all here for you.
Sorry to hear that you’re not doing well @Butterfly6. It’s sounds like you have a lot going on and a lot to process. Be kind to yourself.
I know I can't as a straight person relate to what it is like being gay and transgender. Because of that I realize my words possibly may not carry a lot of weight, but I want to say something and I hope it will help. I had a period of my life that I had a lot of feelings and emotions that I feel relate to yours. So I am going on that only because I do know what it is like to feel like the puzzle piece that doesn't fit. I know what it is like to be at odds with the world. I know what it is like to want to run away from your life and create a new one for yourself. I did not like the person I saw in the mirror starring back at me. And yes I did have a moment of my life where my head went to the dark place. I suffered a loss and I didn't want to wake up. All these things I can relate with you on. I woke up one day and it occurred to me. In a lot of ways life is very much like a story or more to the point a novel. It's a collection of journeys and we each have our own individual paths and stories of our life experiences to tell. Our experiences, our turning points, our ups, and even our downs. Now right now your on a rough chapter. You feel like this chapter is so bad that the book itself now sucks and you want to put it down or trash it. What I can promise you is this. If you turn that page your next chapter @Butterfly6 it will be so much better. You have to be willing to turn the page though and believe it will be better. Believe in you because you can get threw this. You will get threw this. Your first step is standing in front of that mirror and telling yourself, "I love me. I am awesome. I can do this.". Second step @L8bloomer hit the nail on the head. Take a vacation. Even if just for the weekend. If for some reason a vacation is not an option then take 2 hours a day and let the family know not to disturb you. Let them now look after themselves. Tell them you guys need to maintain. You can handle 2 hours without me. In that time focus solely on you in finding your center again. What ever that is for you that is what you do. If it means needing time to simply not think at all as long as your at peace with yourself for that moment your doing it right. Once you get your focus on you and find your balance again then you can worry about everyone else. The feeling of hate towards your kids will vanish and you will remember the love you have for them. You will remember that your husband is still your best friend and deep down he will want you to be happy. Even if it means walking another path different from his. Most importantly you will remember who you are at the core of your soul again. As I tell my wife you can't take care of anyone else until you take care of yourself first. Once you have done that you will find navigating the other issues will not be nearly as difficult as they were before. I am not saying it will be an easy road, but it is a road you can travel as the best completed version of you that you can be. You just have to be willing to take that first step and turn the page.
I'm going to second what Nick and some others have said. It sounds like you are having a major life crisis. It would help if you can recognize that and give yourself some space to deal with it. Many workplaces will grant you some kind of leave for medical or personal issues. Life happens, people will understand. You don't have to get into specifics. Call it a depressive episode or whatever you need to. But give yourself the freedom to take care of yourself. Then maybe take some time to find an LGBT center or ideally a specialist who deals with transgender issues, and travel there if need be. It sucks that you are in this situation, but you have the strength to get through it. Good luck.
