Coming out at thirty, I often feel like I have to quickly resolve the issues surrounding my repressed sexuality. I’m slowly learning it’s about longevity and not immediacy. I have just started listening to this book. It is rocking my world right now. In the beginning I couldn’t really relate to the type of gay he describes but as I’ve read more about the phases I can place myself in each scenario, helping me relive and process my own puberty. I currently am living in my third city. First Birmingham where I was born, then to Chicago, and now in various places in Washington state. I have never stayed at a job longer than accomplishing what I needed to. I consistently jump into new situations trying to prove that I am a survivor, leaving strained and distant relationships in my wake. It’s as if I have a two year cap on an experience then I move on. Currently I am starting a new job as a mountain guide and I believe this is very much in line with every other decision I’ve made. Another example of trying to prove my worth. Validation! There is a growing awareness to all of this but it has led me to examine my motives. Being gay isn’t what causes me shame. It’s that I grew up feeling flawed from an early age. Can anyone relate or is on the same path? This book has opened up some serious wounds and although it is nice to not feel alone I am scared that my reality and future have already been written by the disfunctional history of so many before me.
Well, I can relate to the pitfalls the book is trying to highlight. I have definitely, historically, been an overachiever. I needed to be the best little boy in school. Make the top grades in high school, being the class president, give the valedictorian speech, go to the best university in the country. Get an engineering degree in the hardest major, land a job at a prestigious company, and travel all across the world on high-profile projects. And yet, when I came out for my mom, I also made sure to have a weekend bag ready in case I got thrown out. Because apparently no amoount of success would have ever been enough to convince me it could erase the shame of being gay. But on the other hand, I do think the book also fails a bit on the part you mention: Because it does have a bit of a tendency to generalise this overcompensating behavior. Examples abound of people being dysfunctional at work, but also at home decoration and friends and relationships. As if all gay men are bound to redo the same mistakes in their out life as they did in their closeted life. Not saying it can't happen. But also, in my experience, it's not a given. Did I stop overachieving at work? Well, no. Being obsessed with being the best at what I do is still an occupational hazard. But on the other hand, I don't feel like I made the same mistakes in my relationships at all. Whereas I confess to being somewhat shallow in my friendships before I came out, I managed to make them much more authentic afterwards, and am habituallly able to show vulnerability or insecurity. And while both my boyfriend and myself are prone to one-upping each other with work achievements, I also do feel like we connect on many deeper levels just fine. And I haven't even so much as tried to break into the "gay ghettos" of the nearby cities. So it's definitely a good look at the pitfalls. It shows some of the consequences. But knowing the pitfalls can help you to avoid them. And just starting to work on being more authentic is already a good first step on a new path. Doesn't mean you won't fail occasionally. But it's not as doom and gloom as you might fear!
Thank you for helping me snap out of it! Seriously, I think I dove down a pretty deep rabbit whole in my own life just now. While I totally understand the shopping addiction and for the fact that my tastes far surpass my income, I have a very different experience in life than this story. Honestly, I stopped believing relationships could be healthily from watching my own parents dysfunction. I was never shamed about being too effeminate because I’m not. Most people I’ve told were very surprised by my coming out queer. So on the one hand, reading this book feels like watching, “Milk”. It’s like reading history or something that feels very far away, while also exposing certain realities with that are sad. Anyway, thanks for sharing. Do have any recommendations of books that you have found helpful, or podcasts?
Well, that doesn't help, obviously. But also, I've seen people from broken homes do terrific as partners and parents. And, alas, the opposite. It's a shame you apparently had front row seats to a dysfunctional relationship. But it could also mean you are just the guy not to repeat it! If trying your hand at a longer-term relationship is on your wishlist, that it. Over time, I do feel like not personally getting any shaming was a red herring. Sure, no one ever called me a fag. No one ever criticised me for my utterly traditional fashion choices. I was fairly popular in highschool. But I saw it used to shame other kids. Including ones that ended up very straight indeed, but didn't perfectly fit the mold. One of my friends was rather relentlessly gaybashed for having long hair and fairly colourful clothes (never mind that he married the prom queen and has four kids now). And the message was clear: "Don't be gay. And if you are, keep your head down". It seemed like a good thing that I could do just that and escape being a target. But I got the message just fine nonetheless. And it was what kept me in the closet for longer than any of my gay schoolmates. Not going to pretend I had it badly. But the shaming was still real. But anyhows, it doesn't need to be all doom and gloom! Reading and podcast suggestion time! I'm actually a fairly horrible one to ask. I'm not all that well read on GLBT topics. But one book that I DO wholeheartedly recommend is the first book I read on the topic: "10 smart things gay men can do to improve their lives", by Joe Kort. Yes, the title is horrible. But it also hit a lot of soft spots for me. Way more than Velvet Rage, even though it's somewhat similar in topic. What I like about it most is that it's more nuanced. The stories are a bit more even. They have some good and some bad, and a lot of ideas on how to fix the bad. But maybe I just like it because it was my first. Then again, the Kindle version is only 10 bucks, so that's barely more than a coffee these days. Podcast-wise, I am currently massively enjoying "The sewers of Paris". Every week has an interview with a GLBT person. Starting from the question "what piece of media made you realise you're GLBT?", but meandering outward from there. Some I find relatable, others are utterly alien to me. But I think they give a good cross section of the variety of GLBT experiences out there. It won't tell you what to do about your own life. But food for thought nonetheless. I'm honestly hoping that others can come in with some more recommendations, because I suck at giving them xD
Hey, sorry I read this the other day but have been very busy. Thanks for the insight. I often feel that the biggest help I receive is not feeling alone. I used to think that everyone who came out were just more convinced than I was about being gay. I was holding out until I was for sure certain, even though I was pretty sure lol. Well, I finished the book and I really like the ending and how he goes into more detail about steps toward embracing what is and learning to process the shame and find contentment. Still a hard read Thanks for the podcast idea. I haven’t checked it out yet but I will.
