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Just can't seem to break out of denial

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by out2019, Mar 21, 2019.

  1. out2019

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    not really off topic -because i have never experienced anything like that. I see lots of women that i get excited about. no men.
     
  2. Rade

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    I haven't lived in an apartment for 20 years, was married to a woman! He was hot, hot hot. Like everything since coming out it made me laugh, suppose because I'm relaxed and feel so free now.
     
  3. out2019

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    i live in NYC - full of gay outlets , very open I have never seen a guy on the street I have been attracted to - when I was drunk a few transvestites looked good but only because the looked like women!

    Could this just be a fantasy??
     
  4. Rade

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    It could be a fantasy, have you considered a threesome with a guy and a girl. This could be something to try. I still have a little attraction to women and enjoyed sex with my wife. But if I watch porn I way prefer gay porn. I've become more in tune with my body. I wanted to stay in my marriage and enjoy threesome with a guy but the ex wasn't having none of it.

    If a good looking man and woman stood in front of us who would you choose? I would always choose the guy first.
     
    #24 Rade, Mar 24, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  5. out2019

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    if it was a one off fantasy I wouldn't be here. the fantasies became intense and more frequent but zero attraction in real life..

    I can tell if a man is good looking and had a good body but i don't get turned on in real life. in real life, lets say I am at the gym, i see a woman with a nice ass ... man i want to jump in ! it's instinctual...
    since trying to 'accept' being gay - i have to tried to do the same with good looking men i see and the thought.. no offense to anyone here.. just disgusts me... i don't mean this from a moral standpoint - i mean like my body reacts like 'yech... no thanks'...

    I wasn't trying to force myself i was trying i thought to accept being gay.. but its like real life is having none of it.
     
    #25 out2019, Mar 24, 2019
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  6. Rade

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    Perhaps your more straight than gay. It seems your desire for women is still strong. I never really get physically aroused looking at people. I think yeah his good looking. For me once I kiss someone preferably a man my arousal kicks in quickly.
    But it was the same with my ex wife, a few kisses and I was ready to go. But I know deep down she will be the only woman I ever slept with, because im much more attracted to men.
    But again, I used to be very uncomfortable with anal sex but my view has changed over time. I believe it was me accepting my sexuality that changed my views. I'm not being crude but I like to finger a guy now, I've just somehow moved forward.
     
  7. Contented

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    It seems Rade might be right it does sound like your more straight than anything else. For me there is no dilemma, physical attraction to women zero, men 100%. Much more open sexually with my bf than I was with any woman I was ever with.Gay sexuality while only a part of a gay lifestyle is still an important part. I love every aspect of it and have no qualms about it’s sensual eroticism. Under no circumstances could I see myself intimate with a woman again. As weird as it seems after spending most of my adult life in intimate relationships with women, now the idea seems gross and disgusting. I almost never even think about those “ straight” days.
    I might suggest you find a LGBTQ qualified counselor who would be able to help you sort out your sexuality issues. Hey there is no sin in being straight, gay, bi, queer, pan etc but at least you should clear on who you really are. Keep exploring and you will discover the answer.
     
    #27 Contented, Mar 25, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2019
  8. Rade

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    Hi Contented
    And I am more in line with your thinking. I still see my ex due to having 3 kids with her. But sexually, even though it was at least fair to good. I'm now on a zero with her and all woman sexually. Yes I appreciate a good woman but I'm not interested sexually.

    Once I kissed a guy, it had been about 23 years since last time....that sealed it, that I made the right decision to come out.

    Yeah the two guys I saw were not my soul mate but it was fun and I got to top a guy at 43!
     
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  9. Contented

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    Rade I don’t the have writing skills to express how right gay sexuality seems to me. The passion, sensuality, romance and eroticism is so far beyond anything with a woman. I truly believe two men know how to pleasure each other more than any woman could ever. I wake up every day and have to pinch myself to make sure it’s not a dream that I sleep with a hot, gorgeous guy.
     
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  10. NotTooLoud

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    Really connected with your post (again), Jon. I have lost more than half my life, but it is so great to be free! I have my own apartment and my own life now (too) -- it is wonderful. Have not been kissed yet, though, and kind-of feel like a 12-year-old girl in that respect. It is not easy! But it is so free-ing!
     
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  11. Rade

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    I'm really happy for you. We deserve to be happy like everyone else. And we have both come along way. I'm sure his out there somewhere, Mr Right.

    I still have to have a connection with my ex due to my children. They are amazing kids. But she has a nasty side. If the children were adults I could completely close this chapter with her. My counselor gave an impression, didn't say it but gave me vibes that my ex likes control. The only control she has is the children and she uses it. I had such a good day, work, gym and an LGBT choir, I don't sing great but we have fun. Then the ex has to cause issues. It leaves me exhausted.
    I confronted her about this and she didn't like it.
     
  12. NotTooLoud

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    My ex is making waves, too. The thing is, it was over so long ago, years before I moved out. She must know this! I think you are right; it's about ownership (perhaps of us!) and control. Sometimes people tell me their impression of a situation and I think, "Was I even in the room?". It seems like we were in two different places when I compare my recollection with theirs.
     
    #32 NotTooLoud, Mar 25, 2019
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  13. Rade

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    I don't think I ever really loved my ex wife. Yes I cared deeply and we were reasonably happy. I'm a good guy, counselor isn't really supposed to say much but her face and the way she rolls her eyes say it all! I've woken up to the ex and she hates it!!

    Like you say ownership and control! She has a BF, why she can't be happy I don't know! We had 20 years and like i said to the counselor I have been grieving because that was a big chunk of my life. But at the end of this process now, it's about done, I'm over her. I am a nice guy, but she made me livid last night!
     
    #33 Rade, Mar 25, 2019
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  14. Peterpangirl

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    Likewise except replace the word "woman" with "man". I also totally get the feeling of openness of which Contented speaks.
    Who do you ache to give pleasure to - a man or a woman or both? For me it's a woman.
     
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  15. Nickw

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    @amiready

    I can't help but think you are trying to force this too much. Like you have to make a decision to be gay or to be straight and you want to base it on random people you meet in the street.

    I grew up very conflicted about my sexuality. From early teen years I had both emotional and sexual attraction to both males and females. Sometimes I would see another guy and I would just feel this pull deep down in me. But, I was repulsed at the idea of sex with him. Probably, a function of societal brainwashing. I guess I was lucky in, an ironic way, that I was raised in an environment that also taught me that ANY sex was evil and necessary for procreation only. So, thinking about sex with a woman was also taboo.

    I can walk down the street and look at 100 guys and 100 women. I can say that I am not interested in any of them. But, occasionally, I will see a glimpse of a part of guy I find attractive or the curve of a woman and I will feel a deep hunger that is hard to describe. If I try and quantify it into an definition like "yep, check box, gay" or "whew, straight" it doesn't work. It's not an intellectual decision.

    I remember dating a woman when I was in my early twenties. We were lying together and I was looking at her and wondering WTF am I doing here. I was convinced I was gay. Not long after that I was with my wife and wondered if all my same sex attractions were some sort of strange phase I went through I was so stimulated by her presence. My boyfriend now is a good looking guy. But, not really my type. I wouldn't have given him a second look on the street. Yet, when I am with him I am so compelled by his presence.

    Sexual desire, for some of us, cannot be measured by an attraction meter that we try to read. For some of us the sexual attraction and desire is so much deeper that it can be hard to really identify or quantify.

    You post that you are still in a state of denial because you cannot feel the attraction you think you should. I would suggest that you try and meet some people (men or women or both) and really try and look past the features that you believe you should be looking at and try to feel an emotional attraction and see if sexual attraction follows.
     
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  16. Contented

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    NickW is spot on here. Gay does not mean you are attracted to every guy you see. Hardly the case. Sexual attraction is a strange phenomenon as we all have our preferences as to what stimulates us.
    Perhaps you are trying too hard to fit into one role or another. My transition to gay was organic in nature and started because I met a another man that more than anything I connected emotionally with. The sexual aspects of our relationship can afterwards and for me it served to reinforce my changing sexuality. ( or better stated served to help me acknowledge that I had always been a homosexual).
    Like Rade posted I know I never really loved my ex-wife or ex-girlfriend I was play acting. However that revelation only came as a result of embracing my gay sexuality.
    Relax amiready and let nature take its course. Find a gay social group and see the diversity in the gay community. You just might find Mr Right.
     
    #36 Contented, Mar 26, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2019
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  17. NotTooLoud

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    Exactly. She cannot truly be moving on while trying to inflict anguish upon a person from her past. There is a certain level of control over you that she has had, and, it sounds like, she would like to maintain -- I suspect by using the children (?). My ex wants to try to get more than her share of our marital assets as a way of "punishing" me for leaving.
     
  18. Rade

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    Like Contented said,
    Join some LGBTQ groups, they are so diverse. I attend three a month. Been attending 6 months now. The people are all different, just like in the straight world. We are all unique in our own way. I've made some trans friends, a group in society i knew very little about. It's such a fantastic community to belong to and they are another very important family to me. I've learned so much, they are so friendly and I can see how sexually diverse individuals are. We don't always fit into categories I'm 95 percent gay at least but a very tiny piece of me enjoyed sex with the ex wife. Though I don't think I will have another female partner as it feels more natural with another man. It's about experimenting and seeing what we like. In the past six months I've topped a guy and enjoyed rimming but I'm certainly no expert and I'm still on my own sexual journey.
     
  19. Rade

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    Hello RJH

    Yeah she likes control and the counselor pointed this out to me. My eyes so to speak are wide open now. I can see what's she's up too!

    Just like your situation she has threatened to go after half my savings. This was always in my name only! I agree it's a form of punishment. We only officially separated in November. As we lived amicable as friends from last July. The two years of separation in the UK had to run from November 2018. Unless I look at grounds to divorce her which I can as she was unfaithful. She soon jumped into bed with someone else!

    Have you started divorce proceedings?
     
    #39 Rade, Mar 27, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2019
  20. NotTooLoud

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    Hi Rade,
    SHE started divorce proceedings. Good for me, I guess! In the U.S., it is governed by the states. In Washington (where we live), the waiting period is 90 days. Washington is a community property state, which means that anything we earned during the marriage belongs to both of us 50/50, but anything that was a gift or inheritance or anything owned before the marriage is our own separate property. She is going after my separate property. The judge in this area is very sympathetic to women and bought into her flagrant sobbing at the first hearing.
     
    #40 NotTooLoud, Mar 27, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2019