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Help Satisfying Horniness

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by JustNoOne2, Mar 21, 2019.

  1. JustNoOne2

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    Hello everyone, I’m new to the EC community, though I’ve known about it for years and technically had an account a few years ago, I just decided to join back again with a new account.
    Anyway, I have a pretty big issue right now, and as you can probably guess from the title, it has to do with satisfying my horniness. Yes that seems stupid to ask, but hear me out.
    I’m seventeen and I’m still a virgin, and for about a half a year now I’ve been horny a lot more than I used to be, and generally whenever I’m alone I start feeling horny knowing I have the opportunity to masterbate. (I’m a gay guy btw) So a few months back I got back together with an ex, which was a huge mistake, as he ended up cheating on me after three days and dumping me on Christmas... (though I should’ve expected that to be honest.) Anyway that’s not the point, the point is then I was in a very bad place and I (stupidly) hit up another ex and was planning on hooking up with him just to lose my virginity. I ended up chickening out, but it was because I was experiencing this extreme horniness and this desire to lose my virginity, and I didn’t really care anymore who it was with. I have always been a person who believes sex should be between two consenting adults that trust and care about each other, and so I was shocked that I even was considering losing my virginity at this age, and to a guy that had wronged me before. Since I chickened out I haven’t tried losing it, but I have experienced a strong sexual desire, especially the past month. I talked to my gay cousin about it (and I already had been masterbating before, but only like at most 5x a week, sometimes going weeks without) and he recommended masterbating to help take care of that. I didn’t want to admit I already did, so I just decided to keep going how I had been. However, I did ask about possibly giving or receiving a blowjob and if he thought that was okay at my age, and he said he thought it was, or at least that he did at my age. I still haven’t done that, but it made me also consider starting to share nudes with people, which sometimes I regret considering, but I feel like it’s not that against my beliefs, at least right now I feel fine with it. Anyway, I was wondering if anyone had any advice for how to help get rid of my horniness, because it is becoming almost bothersome and I also want to know what your opinions are on possibly giving/receiving oral or sending nudes, I assume you guys will not approve but I’m still wondering. Thanks in advance!
     
  2. JustNoOne2

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    Also a friend just told me you can be addicted to masterbation and that it’s possible to masterbate too much. Is that true? (It’s probably on this site somewhere but I haven’t found it haha)
     
  3. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Regular exercise will help ease sexual desires. Being social can help too. It won't rid desire, just help lessen it.

    You can only masturbate too much if you did it a lot in one day to cause sores from friction. 5 times a week isn't too much and sounds average for your age.

    I don't recommend sending nudes because you have no idea how the other person will use them, including posting them or black mail.

    I don't see an issue with oral assuming you are close in age and use protection.
     
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  4. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome back!

    So the first thing to know is that an awful lot of guys your age experience the same level of horniness you are describing. It's nothing unusual.

    As for the issues of masturbation being addictive... essentially the answer is 'no'. There is a very small segment of the population who have other issues (extreme anxiety, depression, etc) that have learned to cope by masturbating, and for those folks, the masturbation is a form of self-medication. Outside of that, it isn't something to worry about. Plenty of people your age masturbate 3, 4, 5 times a day, and as long as it isn't using up so much time that it's taking you away from other activities (hanging out with friends/family, doing homework, etc), then it isn't a problem.

    One of the other ways you could approach the horniness problem is changing the way you masturbate. Most people approach it as a "do it to take care of business" attitude and go from start to finish in 5 minutes or something. If instead, you treat this as a ritual and an experience to explore, you can completely change the quality and intensity of the experience. You can do this by slowing down your self-touch, being mindful of your breathing (taking long, slow breaths), and "edging" (bringing yourself close to orgasm, then stopping for 30 seconds or so before starting again.) Many people do this for 30 or 45 minutes, and find that it's a very enjoyable experience, not to mention typically a more intense experience than just simply having a quick one.

    As far as oral sex... plenty of people your age engage in it. The question is what you want, and the value you place in sexual interaction. If you feel as though there's value in waiting for the right person, then you might enjoy waiting on everything for the right person; the other side of that is, once you start engaging in any sort of sexual activity with another person, it can often be difficult to draw the line of where to stop, so you can find yourself, in the moment, making a decision that you might later be unhappy with.

    I would pretty strongly advise against sending any nudes, or doing any sort of camming. Even if you are careful to not let your face be seen, there can be identifying things in the picture or background, or on video, you can slip and let your face be exposed for a second or two. And pics and photos have a way of getting out past the person you share them with, so unless you're comfortable with potentially tens of thousands of people watching you masturbate, if your pics/video happens to get uploaded to a dodgy tube site, I'd advise against doing this at all. There are also legal ramifications in many states; sharing any sort of nude pictures of anyone under 18 is considered child pornography, and there are now a number of cases on record where an underage teen sent pics to another underage teen, and both got charged with possession of (or, in the case of the person taking pics of himself, producing) child pornography, which is a very severe and serious charge.

    So I guess my closing thoughts on all of this would be to first try masturbating more mindfully and slowly, and seeing how that experience plays out for you. You may find that it completely fulfills your sexual desires for now, and you can then wait (if that's what you decide you want to do) until you find the right person to share sexual experiences with. And even if you decide not to wait, the mindful practices are helpful when you do start having sex, as it allows you to be more self-aware of what's going on with your body and makes it easier to be fully present sexually with another person.

    Let us know what you decide, and if any of the suggestions above are useful!
     
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  5. Chierro

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    Definitely listen to Chip's advice, he hit the nail on the head.

    The one thing that comes to mind is be wary of doing something just because you're horny. Most of my highly regretted sexual experiences were due to me just being really horny. In my experiences, a person makes very bad decisions when it comes to being horny. I personally go through the mental process of "If I wasn't horny, would I still want to have sex with this person?"

    I would also recommend sticking with your mindset of only doing stuff with people you trust and care a lot about. An ex is an ex for a reason, so therefore maybe not someone you want to lose your virginity too. But also, your choice. I originally had that same mindset and actually wish I had kept it instead of loosing my virginity to a douchebag I talked to once my freshman year of college.
     
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  6. 18breanna

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    Thank you for this, as an older virgin myself, it's easy to be a little impulsive haha..don't let the chance to lose your virginity cloud judgement
     
  7. Destin

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    I have an opposing viewpoint of some others in the thread, so figured I'd share it just for the sake of an additional side.

    I don't really agree with the whole saving it for someone special stuff. One of the largest causes of people feeling bad about themselves is lack of sexual experience and them thinking they aren't desirable. It doesn't have to be consistently like this forever, but getting some experience and losing their virginity can be permanently taken care of early which would prevent people from feeling badly about having no experience later. That experience, even if bad, still gives them more confidence to approach the people they really do care about which increases the odds of being with that person.

    No experience = "what if he doesn't like me and I freeze up and don't know what to do with him even if he does."

    Some experience = "The last guy liked me so there's a decent chance this one does too, and I know exactly what to do with him."
     
    #7 Destin, Mar 24, 2019
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  8. JustNoOne2

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    Thanks for the advice! Your advice on oral really helps me, although there is one thing. I almost hooked up with an ex to have oral sex and requested he use protection, but he said no, that the request was ridiculous because “no guy wants to use a condom for oral sex.” He claimed he was just being realistic, and so then I realized if he wasn’t willing to do that for me he wasn’t the kind of guy I wanted to engage in that behavior with, especially for my first time. So I guess my next question is what sort of STD’s can occur from oral sex without protection, because it seems like most guys don’t use a condom for that...
     
  9. JustNoOne2

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    Thank you so much for such a comprehensive reply! I can’t tell you how much it means to me to know what most people think! I think the sort of “meditative masterbation” is something I’ll have to try, as it seems like it would be much more enjoyable and might help with my problem. I was also wanting to look into things such as orgasm from solely anal stimulation or potentially sounding, though I haven’t been able to achieve an orgasm just from anal stimulation and I don’t have any safe objects to try sounding. The only issue is that I don’t have a lot of alone/free time aside from at night, so would edging or medatative masterbation be best at night since that’s when I have the most free time?

    As for oral sex goes, it’s definitely something I want to try, and I used to view sex as something you should wait for the perfect person for, but that was back when I was a kid and thought you’d meet the perfect girl (or guy, I didn’t realize I was gay back then). Now I realize that I most likely won’t be with the person I lose my virginity to my whole life, and so I feel like it’s something I would be okay with just losing to someone who may not be that “special someone”, but is still someone I trust. The only thing is that I really want to gain experience with sex (at least oral) soon, and so that’s why I’ve been considering a hookup. Though I doubt I should hook up with anyone, I do want to begin gaining experience so it’s something I’m comfortable with later and can better please whoever that “special someone” is later.

    Thank you also for your advice with sending nudes/camming, because I wasn’t quite honest in my initial post due to fear of the illegality of it. I have in fact traded nudes with multiple guys, some over eighteen, some my age, and I’m not going to lie, I really enjoyed it and since then my self esteem has grown exponentially due to compliments I received during and after sending nudes. I do realize the illegality of it however, and I’ve deleted the snapchat account I used for nudes multiple times because of this, however since you posted this I have decided to delete it for good. I am hoping that meditative masterbation and possibly oral sex will help me to stop sending nudes. I also think that is another reason I want to try oral sex, as sending nudes certainly increased my self esteem, and made me more confident with my body and just as a person.

    Overall, I think that the medatative masterbation will help a lot, and maybe finding new ways of masterbating, and that will probably satisfy my constant horniness. I do really want to try oral, but I will wait until I find someone I can trust and hopefully be in a relationship with them rather than being a hookup. And I will for sure stop sending nudes, even though it increased my self image/esteem. Thanks again for the reply, it means a lot to me! :slight_smile:
     
  10. JustNoOne2

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    I really like your outlook on this topic, it may just be because I’ve been craving sexual experience lately, but it does seem to make sense, and sex does seem like something (at least to me) that shouldn’t be that big of a deal considering you’re not likely to have sex with one person and then end up with that person the rest of your life. If I do start becoming sexually active, it will definitely be with protection and with all the precautions to prevent STDs. Thanks again for your input! :slight_smile:
     
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  11. Waffless

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    I know a lot of the time I get confused between whether it horny or just need to pee. So I don't know if this helps but it turns out a lot of young guys get confused with whether they are horny or not.
     
  12. JustNoOne2

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    Thanks for the advice! I definitely wish I had heard this before trying to get back with two of my exes, because one ended up cheating on me and the other just wasn’t a good experience overall. I certainly am not going to get back with any exes, and if I do engage in any sexual behaviors I want it to be with someone I trust, as you said. Thanks again! :slight_smile:
     
  13. JustNoOne2

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    While I found this somewhat humorous at first, I do think that this could be part of it, so I’ll have to keep an eye on this, thank you!
     
  14. Chip

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    I would not recommend sounding. There are a lot of potential dangers and risks of harm, not to mention increasing the risk of UTIs. There are better options.

    As for anal stimulation, please get a proper anal toy and don't use household objects. If it's a problem getting them, Amazon sells them, and you can purchase an Amazon gift card at a grocery store and have the item shipped to an Amazon locker.

    Any time that you have free can work. Ideally, if you have complete privacy (no one else is home), that's ideal, as then you can incorporate breath and sound, which can significantly enhance the experience, but most people who live with others have to compromise on that point. :slight_smile:

    Here's the concern with that. The reason you're sending nudes is the reason most people do... to get compliments. The problem is, whenever you do that, you're basically externalizing your worthiness; you are relying on other people to tell you that you're a good person/handsome/whatever. That actually doesn't increase self-confidence, which may sound contradictory, but instead it creates a loop where you constantly are seeking more such compliments, because deep down, a part of you believes you aren't worthy of the compliments... and deep down, there's likely another part of you that knows that sending nudes for people to comment on isn't the best, because people are commenting on your appearance rather than on you as a person... which increases shame. But it feels good in the moment, which is why people mistake it for self-confidence.

    There's also a psychological danger to sending nudes, or masturbating on cam for people's pleasure, and that sort of thing, because it leads to more 'pleasing' behaviors... doing things to gain approval for others, basically, which tends to make it difficult to believe in your own worthiness as well as the ability to ask for your needs.

    If people really understood and grasped that, I think the various cam sites, hookup apps, and about 3/4 of the content on Snapchat and Instagram would suddenly go away, but that's another topic. :slight_smile:

    Be careful here as well, as it relates back to what I said above. If you want to try oral sex for the purpose of pleasing someone else, and gaining their approval and compliments... that's feeding back to the same thing I described above. On the other hand, if it's simply to explore and have fun, and you're reasonably certain you can participate in that without getting attached to the compliments people offer, then it can be worthwhile to cultivate that part of yourself.

    When people bring up issues that relate to worthiness and shame, I suggest watching Brené Brown's amazing work on the subject. She does an excellent job of distilling down how worthiness, self-esteem, shame, and authenticity are all interconnected. Each of the following three is about 18 minutes, so if you have an hour, it's worth watching all three, as they cover different parts of the issue.

    The first has over 18 million views combined on different sites, making it one of the 5 most viewed TED talks of all time.





     
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  15. JustNoOne2

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    Thank you so much again! I’m so glad you are able to give me such great information! I guess I definitely should not try sounding, as it does seem very dangerous.
    As for anal toys, I really really want a dildo, but how would I hide it from my parents? I do know of a store that sells them that even minors can buy, but I would be embarrassed to buy it, and worried about someone finding out. Do you have any suggestions for hiding it from my parents? And if they find it, what would I say? Or should I just ask my mom if I could buy one so that they know about it? I would probably not be comfortable with that to be honest...
    I do know I have self esteem problems, and the compliments did seem to boost my self esteem, but what you’re saying does make sense. I have a therapist who is trying to help me with self esteem, but it seemed to improve since I was sending nudes, and so I told her it was getting better, because I thought it was. I think I should continue to ask for help with my self esteem, despite it seeming to have gone up. I know counselors have to report any sexual behavior you tell them, so I assume I should not tell her about sending nudes correct?
    As for the thing with oral sex, it’s really more about me wanting to try oral sex and experience it, or any other kind of sexual experience with another guy, and a lot less about my self esteem, though I did think it might increase it, but now I know that would be false. I definitely will check out those TED Talks you sent, thanks again!
     
  16. JustNoOne2

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    Oh also any reccomendations on lube or a dildo that I could buy to start out with? I do want something that would be a bit on the somewhat bigger side, though I know I’m just starting out so maybe a smaller one would be best, idk. Any reccomendations?
     
  17. Chip

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    That's a tough call. I'm a huge fan of authenticity, but there are also appropriate limits, and discussing anal masturbation with your parents would probably be mortifying for everyone involved, not to mention raising concerns for them about your being sexually active; parents often have a difficult time acknowledging their kids as sexual beings.

    If you'd be embarrassed buying it in person... Amazon is your friend. Set up your own account, use a gift card, and (assuming you live in a reasonably populated area) have it delivered to an Amazon locker. No extra cost for that. We can't really give you specific advice about what dildos to buy, but I will tell you that spending a few extra bucks to get a quality toy (one made of all silicone, for example) is worth it, as they remain sterile longer, and hold up pretty well. The cheap ones tend to split or break pretty quickly, and are harder to keep sterile. As for lubes... there are many. Gun Oil brand and ID Lube are both widely used, but there are dozens of others. Silicone lubricants are a bit better than water-based (which tend to dry out and need more re-application) but it's really personal preference.

    As for hiding it... I guess it depends on how nosy your parents are. If they're quite nosy, maybe putting it in an obscure box (say, an empty shoe box or video game console box or something like that), wrapped up in paper or a towel or something so that even if they open the box it won't be so immediately obvious. If they're going into your room and opening boxes and rooting through drawers... it may be appropriate to discuss having some level of privacy with them, though that can (with some parents) make them all the more inquisitive. This might be something to discuss with your therapist.

    As for what to say if they find it, I'll borrow a phrase from another EC staff on a similar issue. You can always say something like "I think you know exactly what that is, and I'd rather not discuss it any further."

    Therapists (if you're referring to mental health professionals, as in, counselors or therapists) do not have to report any sexual behavior. What they are required to report is, for example, if a child is being abused by parents or other adults, or if a client is at risk of harming himself or others. Absent written agreement in advance from the minor child client, an ethical counselor would never disclose information about a child's sexual experience to a parent, but because there are a lot of counselors with sloppy boundaries and ethics, it's advisable to discuss specifically with your counselor/therapist what the limits of confidentiality are. The therapist should have clearly gone over that in your first session, but it's always reasonable and appropriate to bring it up.

    Assuming you have a guarantee of confidentiality with your therapist, I would advise disclosing that you're sending nudes, and how it has made you feel better about yourself. Assuming she's competent, she will immediately see what I described above and then you and she can talk about the self-esteem issues in the larger context of how you can improve it in the long term.

    And when you have a chance to watch the TED talks, please comment on them. It's always useful to know what does or does not connect with people to help others in the future.
     
    #17 Chip, Mar 26, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2019
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  18. Destin

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    Regarding hiding places: the bottom layer of your laundry basket (assuming your parents don't empty it for you for laundry day).

    It's the perfect place. There's absolutely no reason for anyone to ever want to dig through your dirty clothes, and most people go out of their way to avoid touching it.

    I've hidden so many things in a laundry basket and not once has something ever been found.
     
  19. Waffless

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    That's actually quite impressive XD
     
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  20. JustNoOne2

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    Thanks again! I will look and see what some options are. I know a store at my local mall sells sex toys that my friend said teens can buy because it’s supposes to be a “gag gift” but they are completely legit sex toys, though idk how reliable those would be. It’s called Spencer’s and I’m sure you’ve heard of it because I think it’s all over America and there was controversy surrounding it for the exact reason I am considering shopping there; because children can get their hands on sex toys and other sexual things. I’ll be sure to research the best kinds as well as good lube, considering what you just told me.
    Another option is I have a gay cousin who has always been supportive of me and may be able to help me pick a reliable toy or possible have it delivered to his house and hand it off to me when my parents aren’t home, as he’s been through life as a gay teenager and has always helped me with questions regarding life as a gay man or sexuality or gay sex in general, since most of the time parents help their kids understand that stuff, but I don’t feel as comfortable talking to my parents and they don’t have as much experience.
    As for the things regarding my counselor, I will ask her what her standards are regarding confidentiality, as I had a counselor who talked to me about it and mentioned reporting any sexual activity since it would be illegal, but she got pregnant and I had to switch counselors, and it was a while ago so I may have misheard or remembered wrong. I’ll ask my new counselor and see what she says.
    And I can’t hide things in my laundry basket as my mom tends to do my laundry, but I have been hiding a towel under my bed for obvious reasons for a while and she hasn’t noticed, so I will just see if I can wrap the toy in that and find a shoe box or something to put it in. That is assuming I can purchase one somehow. Thanks again for your help! It means so much to me!