Hello! Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this. For some quick background, I am currently 19 years old. Growing up, I always felt as if I was attracted to girls. Not really sure if I ever thought about guys. That being said, I never really felt the drive to be in a relationship with a girl that many of my friends did. Just didn't really matter that much to me at the time. Fast forward to college, and I met a girl in one of my classes who I definitely had a crush on. Took me awhile, but I eventually worked up the nerve to ask her out. When we started getting more intimate for the first time, I found it difficult to get an erection. At the time I mostly thought it was either me being nervous (since I have a tendency to overthink things) or that watching too much porn in the past (Which I definitely did) had harmed my ability to perform in the short-term. However, after a couple more failed attempts I started thinking that I might be gay. After I thought that I started trying to check out guys on campus to see if I were attracted to them. Once I began thinking I might be gay, I started getting stirrings in my balls that I am honestly not really sure if I associate with arousal or fear. It happens very often whenever I sit next to / get in close proximity with a guy now. The weird thing to me is that I never really felt like this before. I've definitely been in close contact with guys before, playing basketball / football / horsing around. These sensations make me feel fairly awkward since they occur even with close friends of mine, and make me overly conscious of my genital area. I haven't ever gotten a hard on from this kind of thing, but that isn't something that usually happens to me spontaneously anyways. After I started having those feelings, I became more convinced that I was attracted to men. To check further, I started checking out gay porn / trying to masturbate to the thought of men. Neither activity really does all that much for me. I thought at first that I might be trying to force myself to not like it, but even when I try to get more into it I don't really think I enjoy it. I've gotten hardish on occasion looking at gay porn, but even then it takes a lot of "work" for me to get there. Straight porn / fantasies about girls still definitely do it for me. I've read that some gay men don't enjoy gay porn, but I still think I would get some reaction from it if I were attracted to men. As of right now, I have managed to get hard with my girlfriend several times, but I usually find myself thinking about porn to help me. If I don't, I am usually at most half-mast. Still not really sure what I think about guys. I don't really have many issues with possibly being gay. My parents would be fine with it and my friend circle is very accepting. I think I would go one step further, and try kissing a guy to see if I enjoyed it, but I wouldn't feel good about that while I am dating my girlfriend still. I really do enjoy spending time with her, just not sure if my sexual troubles are orientation related (which I cannot fix / change) or something else which I can fix. I don't want to try getting with a guy while we are still dating, and I don't want to give up too early and break up with her. That's kind of where I am stuck right now. This issue is honestly taking up too much of my thinking (I go over the same points repeatedly) and I would like some resolution or at least some new idea of how to go about this. Any advice is appreciated.
Hi and welcome. So the first question is, do you have underlying depression or anxiety? If so, these can interfere with both erection and sexual attraction and arousal, making it somewhat confusing to know where your orientation lies. If that is the case, then the first step would be to address that issue with a therapist and determine what steps you need to take to get it under control. If you don't have an underlying mental health issue, then it is entirely possible that you're simply a bit anxious/nervous about sex, because it is new, and that isn't uncommon. One of the most immediate suggestions I can make is try and give up the porn entirely for a while (a month or two). It may be hard to masturbate for the first week or two that you give up the porn, but if you can hold out, you'll find that arousal driven by your own fantasies in your mind will take over, and help you get back in touch with your authentic sexual self. That may change how you experience sex with your girlfriend. Separately, it will also give you a chance to masturbate thinking about guys and girls (separately, in alternate sessions), and then see which excites you more. From what you are describing -- the feeling in your groin when you're around guys -- that definitely sounds like there's some same-sex arousal there, so I don't think you're just imagining it. I think the masturbation exercise is probably first, and then, thinking about perhaps having an experience with a guy. But if you're going to go beyond the masturbation piece, then you do need to be authentic with your girlfriend, and either put the relationship on pause, or break up, or have an honest conversation and see if she is comfortable letting you experiment. Now... that's a lot to ask of someone, and she may say no, but it absolutely isn't ok to do it behind her back, as you wouldn't want someone to do that to you (well, hopefully.) This is a solvable problem, and I think if you can simply relax into it a little bit, and try not to stress about having the answer immediately, it will become more clear fairly soon.
Thanks Chip for the suggestions. I don't really think of myself as depressed but anxiety is something I struggle with occasionally. Not really sure that it is at the point where I need to see a therapist regarding it, but there should be some resources on my campus I can check out. I'll definitely follow your suggestion regarding avoiding porn for a bit. Just to be clear, masturbating to my thoughts is still fine? Some sites l have come across (nofap) seem to advocate for complete avoidance of masturbation. And with regards to my girlfriend, I am probably going to let some time pass before I start talking to her about what I am going through. She seems happy with the situation for right now and is being really nice about the whole thing. If I start to feel like something needs to change, I'll bring up the conversation then. Hopefully it all turns out okay. Thanks again for your advice!
Yeah, nofap is basically full of crap. Masturbating by itself is fine. The issue with porn is that it's like a very highly refined form of drug... the difference between, say, opium poppies and heroin. So when you're watching porn, you're watching something engineered to create very intense arousal, and, like any other drug, you habuituate to it, so you eventually become somewhat numb to it. Masturbating, on the other hand, is more like the opium poppy... it can still create a rush of neurotransmitters, but nowhere near the intensity and addiciveness.
This sounds like Sexual Orientation Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I'm not a doctor, so I suggest you go to one and see what comes out of it.
To add: Not to say that it isn't possible that you are or aren't gay, but this sounds more like anxiety-induced fears rather than true arousal for the same sex. A professional therapist that specializes in LGB issues and OCD might be able to help you.
