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I really want to solve this once and for all

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by confused155, Mar 2, 2019.

?

What do you think I am?

  1. Bisexual

    14 vote(s)
    87.5%

  2. Gay

    1 vote(s)
    6.3%

  3. Straight

    1 vote(s)
    6.3%
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  1. Contented

    Contented
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    Well I could get off on women but it was no where as explosive, sensual nor erotic. However I didn’t realize this until my first intimate encounter with another man. After that my attraction to women physically and emotionally faded fast. At the end I was not physically able to get an erection with my GF but frankly by that time I didn’t care. I
    No longer considered myself straight and no inter test in bi I just knew I had transition to gay. Later on via therapy realized the gay was always there just deeply buried. I think I forced attraction at the beginning because that’s what guys are suppose to do, find women sexually and emotionally appealing. Once I had something to compare to hetero it was no contest. Gay for me is so incredibly better from all aspects.
     
    #21 Contented, Mar 11, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2019
  2. confusedpn

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    Hi Contented. I don't mean to try to hijack this thread, but can you go into more detail about what you mean when you realized "the gay was always buried"? What did that mean to you? What do you mean by you were forcing attraction?

    I am having similar thoughts as confused155 and I'm hoping for some clarification.
     
    #22 confusedpn, Mar 11, 2019
  3. Contented

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    Confusedpn for me intimacy with women never felt completely right. I was able to achieve erections and climax but was never the earth shattering experiences you read about. I just thought this was normal. Sometimes months would go by with no sex and mostly didn’t miss it. At other times I had sex but it was plain vanilla and over quickly. More a mechanical act than love making. Just thought it was part of bein married , bored whatever. Would occasionally have a gay fantasy but quickly got it out of my head after all I wasn’t a homo!
    It was until a chance meeting with man that later would become my BF did things start to change. After our first intimate encounter I knew this is what had been missing. All the passion, sensuality and eroticism I found with another man in short order the emotional connection followed. With aid of therapist I was able to see that all along there were clear indications I wasn’t straight I just choose to force bury them so deep I fooled myself. It’s been over 2 years now since abandoning heterosexuality and coming out as gay,without a doubt it was what I had to do. It took me 50 years to realize I was a gay actor playing a straight role fooling everyone including me. Eventually the facade crumbled in the bright light of honesty and authenticity. Hope this helps.
     
    #23 Contented, Mar 11, 2019
  4. confused155

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    So what you just described there does sound a lot like me. I haven’t been through that second part but that is probably how I would describe my sex with women thus far. Gives an interesting take to me that I may in fact be gay and not bi or straight..I guess time will tell
    what
     
    #24 confused155, Mar 11, 2019
  5. confused155

    confused155
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    So what gives me anxiety is that I really miss my ex, I miss being with her, and I still love her. And we’ve been broken up for 8 months. The anxiety is that I am trying to accept that I may be gay but I still love her and deeply care about her and want to be with her. Do any gay men find it hard to move on from a past relationships with a person of the opposite sex? It could be that I miss a relationship in general but I just miss her as a person and miss having her in my life
     
    #25 confused155, Mar 24, 2019
  6. Chip

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    What you're describing isn't at all unusual; being with someone you care about as a friend, and changing that relationship, is always going to cause anxiety and a sense of loss. We can deeply care about and even love someone in a non-sexual way; this is why there's the confusion and this idea of "romantic attraction". There's nothing to support the idea of a separation between romantic and sexual orientation, but there is the well-studied and understood concept of emotionally intimate friendship, which is a vulnerable, close connection with someone with whom we have no sexual interest. These sorts of friendships can occur between two gay guys, a hetero guy and girl, two girls, and so forth; it has nothing to do with 'romantic attraction' and everything to do with simply having a vulnerable, close sense of connection with another person.

    So given that, and given the rest of what you've said, it seems pretty likely that what you're really grieving is the loss of the level of emotional intimacy, and, as you said, the loss of the relationship in general. And that wouldn't be even slightly surprising. It also likely has zero bearing on your sexual orientation, if that makes sense.
     
    #26 Chip, Mar 24, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  7. confused155

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    Hmm interesting. Well this whole process of trying to accept this has made me feel rather depressed. I used to always shrug it off and bury it which would make me feel happier in the short term. Any advice for my next step? (I.e try and tell someone who I know I can trust, talk to a sex therapist, try hooking up with a guy)? My biggest motivation for life has always been girls: career goals, gym motivation, motivation for getting up in the morning. Now when I feel like I’m losing this it makes me feel sad and 0% excited about the future. Definitely need to work on this internalized homophobia I have about being gay
     
    #27 confused155, Mar 24, 2019
  8. Nickw

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    Hey. It is interesting to me that, based on this thread, you are beginning to identify with gay and not bisexual? I wonder if, on a some level, that you might have, at least, the beginnings of an understanding, but maybe not an acceptance, that you are gay?

    I voted "bisexual" on the poll because of your stated attraction to women. But, I have to ask...do you really believe you are attracted to women or is it because you SHOULD be attracted to women?

    In other words. Why do you seem to be dismissing bisexual as a possible orientation and going directly to gay?
     
    #28 Nickw, Mar 24, 2019
  9. confused155

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    I am trying to accept my attraction to men and it feels like my only of doing so because if I think I’m bi I will always hold onto the attraction to women. To be honest, at this point I feel more more confused than ever. But my attraction to men is still there (mainly when I’m alone by myself the sexual feelings creep up). My philosophy right now is to try and accept that I’m gay and if it turns out I’m bi then I will deal with that afterwards
     
    #29 confused155, Mar 24, 2019
  10. confused155

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    I can think of a many times that girls have turned me on throughout my life and have enjoyed flirting with them. I just don’t get how I was so motivated by women my whole life yet could potentially be gay. I am currently feeling a bit down because of this, and when I’m feeling down I tend to think I’m more gay than bi. I think I just need to try being with a guy to know for sure
     
    #30 confused155, Mar 24, 2019
  11. confused155

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    And for me it almost has to be one or the other (gay or straight). Otherwise I just feel confused on what to focus on. Do a lot of bisexuals worry that deep down they’re gay? And reading the stories on the forums and this thread of the men who thought they were bisexual only to realize they are gay has scared me from trying to think I’m bisexual because I don’t want to be in denial to myself
     
    #31 confused155, Mar 24, 2019
  12. Nickw

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    I like this approach. I had to do this! To me, part of being bisexual is being gay. I had to accept that I am just as gay as the gayest man. Yes, I can be fulfilled by sex with a woman and yep, I've learned, men too.

    The crux, I believe, for a bisexual, is to rule out gay as THE orientation. I believe this because we are conditioned to be straight and there is SO much pressure that iT is difficult to have a clear view.

    You are single and young. Have an affair with a man...seriously. Not a hookup necessarily. But, explore some. If you are, truly bisexual, and you don't do this, you will always have this question.
     
    #32 Nickw, Mar 24, 2019
  13. Nickw

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    I wanted to elaborate on the question of bisexuals fear they are gay?

    I don't know about other guys but I sure did...for my whole life...really. UNTIL I began being intimate with men. I have a boyfriend now, in addition to being married. I spent the weekend with him and we were intimate. But, my relationship with him is not earth shattering as others may describe when they discover their true sexual orientation. I don't mean to diminish my relationship with him or the quality of our interactions. It IS splendid...just not unprecedented.

    But, I don't know how one could possibly know this without experiencing it.
     
    #33 Nickw, Mar 24, 2019
  14. confused155

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    Ya I definitely agree with that. It is tough to go off of just imagination lol. I guess my next step is to try it out to see
     
    #34 confused155, Mar 24, 2019
  15. Chip

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    So I would suspect -- but cannot be certain -- that when you use the phrase "I will always hold onto the attraction to women" is, essentially, a rationalization of what you want rather than what you are authentically feeling. To answer your question about how you could be gay and have earlier had relationships with women... it's pretty clear from what you're saying that you have a lot of internalized homophobia, which means you got the message that you should love and be attracted to women. This is powerful, and can really screw with your psyche. We have an amazing capacity for rationalization, and if you look in the Later in Life forums, you'll see lots of threads from guys who were married, had kids, thought that they were attracted to their spouse... and eventually realized that, even though they had sex and such, they were never really that much into it, and they were essentially lying to themselves. That is a very, very common outcome when there's a lot of internalized homophobia and messages about stigma that we've encountered.

    So I think if you simply take the plunge... start cultivating relationships with guys, have sex when it feels right to do so... and simply see how it feels. Do you like it? Does it feel more "right" than being with girls? Of course, your conscious mind is still going to try and play tricks on you, but if you can let go of that and simply experience what is, then I think you'll be able to get a pretty clear idea, and my sense is that most likely, you'll find the attraction to women fading quite a bit once you can really open yourself up to being attracted to guys.

    That may sound scary, and like you're turning off part of yourself, but that isn't actually the case; it's simply allowing your unconscious feelings to come up, and as you give them voice, then they will take their place. (All of this assumes that you are gay and not bi; but I think once you start exploring, you'll get a pretty clear answer one way or another fairly quickly.
     
    #35 Chip, Mar 24, 2019
  16. confused155

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    So what adds to the confusion more..is that I’m trying to not watch porn anymore to not cloud my judgement. So I tried fantasizing about men for about 10-15 minutes and nothing happened at all , then when I started thinking about a time me and a girl almost hooked up I was able to finish in a couple minutes and I felt turned on. I will see over the next bit if anything changes when I stop watching porn. This just adds to my confusion though
     
    #36 confused155, Mar 25, 2019
  17. Chip

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    I can see why this is confusing. It is really hard to clearly delineate what's going on because you've got these contradictory experiences. It may well be shame and/or fear of letting go of being straight... or it could be something else entirely.
     
    #37 Chip, Mar 25, 2019
  18. Nickw

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    I don't know if this is acceptable advice here or not. So, take this for what it is worth. I'm sure someone who disagrees will step in...

    But, have you thought about just letting things go for a bit? I mean try not to work on "solving this once and for all". Sometimes we try and force a decision when the time is just not right or all the data is just not available. Is there some reason that you must know now? What about a break from all this stuff? Definitely, a break from porn as it can be addictive.

    Be open to what you feel. But, maybe don't try and force it. Try some interactions with guys and just see if it goes anywhere. It might not and that doesn't mean anything either...might not be the right guy. But, maybe it will and then you'll have some data. Maybe, when you let your guard down some of your attractions will become clearer. I would guess you are having some anxiety about this that is not helping.

    I'm also going to suggest something that is not ever suggested on this forum because it tends to be serious and maybe that's the way this should be. But...can you think about making this fun? This trying to figure out who you are doesn't have to generate angst. I'm not diminishing the importance of this or your feelings. I would never trivialize this journey of acceptance and discovery. But, I had to have fun with it once in awhile or it drove me crazy.
     
    #38 Nickw, Mar 25, 2019
  19. Chip

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    I completely agree with Nick's suggestion, and when I get into 'solutions mode' (which is my usual go-to here on EC), I can completely forget sometimes that it *can* be fun, simply being curious and open to whatever comes around, without attaching any judgment to it.

    If you're trying to "figure it all out" before you act on it, that might be part of the problem. If you can simply let go of the need for certainty, and lean into the discomfort of not knowing, and honestly be OK with that... it might actually make it easier to figure out the truth, because there won't be any pressure. And in the meantime, you can have fun and enjoy yourself.
     
    #39 Chip, Mar 25, 2019
  20. Jaimequestions

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    I would agree about being Bi. I have suddenly come to accept that I possibly am and have found happiness in that. Something about being with a guy sometimes turns me on as well, mostly to go against taboo things I have heard from a young age, but also enjoying what this life has to offer. My suggestion would be to possibly go to a spa, if there is one nearby and see how you feel seeing others in the nude. There are also a lot of meetup groups that encompass nudist guys. I am going to am event like that next mo th to see of I am really attracted to the penis, or if the feeling goes away. Bailey Jay once said that what gets you turned on may just be a fantasy to get you off and maybe something that just lives there.
     
    #40 Jaimequestions, Mar 26, 2019
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